Page 15 of Joker
“Beau, switch the main light off, please. Carrie? Are you with me?”
Opening my eyes again, the room now has a soft glow to it from the lamp.
“I’m here,” I croak as my throat feels dry and sore.
“I’ll get you some water,” a little voice says. My heart breaks knowing my son is seeing me like this. I should be protecting him. He comes back over to the bed and places the straw against my lips. Meeting his eyes, I can see the hurt and worry in them. This only cements my decision. Taking a sip of the cold water, instantly, my throat feels better.
“Thank you, baby. I love you.”
His eyes meet mine, and all I can see is sadness.
“I love you too, Momma,” he kisses my cheek.
A tear slowly works its way down my cheek.
“Agnes, it’s time,” I say while I’m feeling brave enough.
“No, Carrie. He needs you.”
I need him too, but I need him safe more.
“Agnes, it’s getting worse. You didn’t see the look in his eyes. It’s not going to get any better. This needs to happen now. We have everything planned.”
Agnes and I had planned that if anything were to happen to me or the abuse got to a certain point, she would take Beau and run.
“Come here, son,” I reach my hand out for him.
“You and Agnes are going to go on a little trip. Remember what I told you about your daddy?”
Beau looks at me with an intense stare that is an exact copy of his father’s.
“I remember, Daddy and my granddaddies’ all ride motorcycles and are in a club. Daddy loves me with all his heart.”
Pride swells in my chest. I had made sure my son knew if his daddy could, he would love him with all he had, as that is the kind of man he is.
“Agnes is going to take you to see your daddy. Promise me you’ll be a good boy and do everything they say?”
With a small tear, he nods his head.
“Who’s going to look after you, Momma?”
The pain in his voice is my undoing. Reaching for him, I hold him to me as tightly as possible.
“Momma will be just fine, baby.” Kissing his forehead, my hands cup his face. “I love you to the moon and back,” I whisper.
“I love you to the stars and more,” he replies back.
After a few moments, I release him.
“Go now, Agnes.”
Agnes starts to pack and retrieve the emergency escape bag we’d packed when Beau was born. It has everything we would need to get Beau to safety. I really had hoped we would never have to use it. Grabbing hold of Agnes’ arm as she passes me, I say, “Agnes, in the bag, is a letter for Jason. Please make sure he gets it.”
She gives me a knowing smile.
“Of course, sweetie,” she says, patting my hand.
She really is the mother I never had. Hugging me tightly, she whispers, “I love you.”
