Page 10 of Wire
“You sleep well?” he asks after I join him.
“Best sleep I’ve had in a while,” I admit.
“Glad to hear it. So, breakfast is in the warmer if you want some.”
“I’m good, coffee is usually my breakfast, and I’ll have something midmorning.”
“Not a problem. Just help yourself once you get hungry.”
Nodding, I finish my coffee and then help myself to a second cup. I’m kind of a coffee addict.
“Not sure why, but Conjurer made a point of telling Axe that if you turned up, to make sure I spoke with you. Very cryptic as usual, the fucker. But if you need to talk, man, then lay it on me. I’ll help if I can,” Tinhead says after a while.
Nodding, I take a moment to think over what he’s said. I don’t have my brothers at my back now, which still hurts. Even though Joker can be hot-headed, he’s never been nasty like recently. Thinking on it now, it was out of character for him. Tank didn’t even try to reign him in either, which, again, he usually does.
“Are we private here?” I ask as we are just sitting in the common room.
“Let’s head to Axe’s office. He said we could use it today as he’s out most of today, so it’s empty.”
I follow him down the hall and into the President’s office. I take a seat on the sofa, and Tinhead sits in a chair next to it.
“I honestly don’t know where to start,” I say honestly.
“No pressure here, man. If you’re struggling with something, it’s up to you what you tell me. I don’t need the details.”
I take a deep breath and decide to just go with the basics. As I really don’t want to get into the details. I still don’t want people to know.
“Don’t know if you’re aware, but I was held by a former brother who turned on us. I won’t and don’t want to go into details about what happened. I will say it wasn’t pleasant and has fucked with my head a lot. I haven’t handled it well, and my brothers have had enough, so I went Nomad. The road has given me some time to think a little more clearly, and also Conjurer called me. What he had to say made me think a little more clearly.”
Tinhead just lets me talk and doesn’t comment. I finally look at him, and there is no judgment, disgust, or anger on his face, just understanding.
“When I came back from overseas, I was fucked up too. Took a while to admit I was dealing with PTSD. Brother, there is no shame in struggling. I needed help, and my life got a lot better once I accepted that help. Did I think it made me less of a man? Fuck no, it takes a strong man to accept he’s struggling and needs help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
“I can see that now. But being around my brothers and still in that environment where it happened, I thought my brothers would judge me,” I admit.
“Sounds to me that while you were struggling, you doubted your brothers and maybe projected a little of the hate you had for the person who betrayed you onto the rest of your club.”
Well, holy fucking shit!
I drop my head into my hands.
Have I really lost everything because I was punishing my brothers for what Dog did?
“I know it feels like maybe you have lost everything, and what I said is hitting home. I don’t think It’s as bad as it may seem. Take some time and have a bit of road therapy. But Wire, you need to seek actual professional help. There is no shame in it.”
With his last words, Tinhead leaves me in Axe’s office. His words are spinning around in my brain. Can he really be right? I’ve been so angry and ashamed of what happened, but to say the words out loud. Not only admitting them to someone else but admitting them to myself. Will it make me less of a man? I feel less of a man. Knowing I won’t get any answers right now, I head to my room. Think I need to rest a little.
I pass Tinhead in the hall, and he hands me a business card.
“It’s the card for a specialist in PTSD. Use it if you want to, or I know Carrie has someone she sees back home. Maybe you can speak to them too as they seem to have helped her. Stay Nomad a while longer and get your head on straight. Your brothers will have your back. Stay here as long as you like.”
“Thanks, man,” I say as I take the card from him and slide it into my pocket.
Back in my room, I lie on the bed and think of home. It has been nearly a month since I left. I can’t help thinking of home. Is it home still? Are they still my family? I left without even saying goodbye to Carrie. She has called me several times and sent me texts, but I’ve not answered any of them. Joker has also texted, just checking in. Which also makes me question how he behaved toward me. Aching for a little of home, I grab my phone before I can second guess myself and call Carrie.
“Wire.” Her voice is urgent and desperate.
“Hey, Carrie girl.”
