Page 3 of A Layperry's Heart
I put the razor back down on my counter and run my fingers through Brenda’s hair, shaking it out so I can see the shape of it.
“What happened? Did he catfish you?”
“Not exactly,” I say with a wince. “It was him. Only the pictures were from about thirty years ago.”
“You’re kidding!”
“Nope. This man was in his sixties. I can handle a sexy silver fox but that was not him. He also wore a black sweater that wascoveredin cat hair. He smelled so bad. He was missing his two front teeth.” I shake my head, putting my hands on my hips. “All of that I can kinda look past, but oh my god, the way he spoke to me? He talked down to me in a very childish way. He insisted he order my food, but then also demanded I cut up his steak for him, andthensaid he’d love for me to call him daddy. Like, I’m sorrywhat? On a first date? Sir, absolutely not.”
“Oh my god!”
“At the end of dinner, he asked for us to split the bill which, okay fine, one second you wanna be daddy and the next you’re making me pay for my own food. Cool. But then he had the audacity to get upset when I said I would be heading homealone. He really thought he could treat me like that and I would fuck him? These asshole entitled men, I swear to god, Brenda.”
I stop what I’m doing and turn back towards the mirror. I’m so pissed off just thinking about it. I’m done with trying to find love! If love wants a place in my life, it’s going to have to come get me itself because I’m no longer looking!
Sure, having a little physical fun from time to time is something I’ve enjoyed in the past but lately, I can’t stand the men attached to the fun thing I’m playing with. I just can’t seem to find the right man for me. I’m exhausted. Is it really so much to ask for a kind, handsome man who wants to be my partner?
Now it’s too late. I’m fucking done. I’m on a dating vacation or sabbatical or something and I don’t know if I’ll ever give it another try. Bad date after bad date has me completely burned out. I’m so tired of getting my hopes up only to be spectacularly let down once again.
Brenda is staring at me with wide eyes. She finally blinks and nods her head slowly.
“Yeah, alright. You win. That’s fucking atrocious. Can I interest you in a lavender wedding instead?”
That snaps all these emotions inside of me. What’s the use of being so high strung about men when I’ve got so much life to live? Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all! I’m out here living my best life, enjoying being single, and living every day to the fullest.
I can’t help but laugh. “Brenda, I adore the hell out of you, but even you couldn’t talk me into that unless there was some sort of crisis going on.”
Brenda giggles. “If it had to be someone, I would want it to be you,” she says, putting her hands on her chest dramatically.
I quickly finish up Brenda’s haircut. She looks fabulous with a modern mullet and I’m glad I could be the one to give it to her. She pays me before she’s on her way.
Brenda was my last client of the night so I throw on my radio and get to work cleaning my station. After sweeping and mopping the floors, scrubbing out the shampoo bowl, making sure everything is turned off, and wiping down my station and chair, I grab my bag and head out the door. I triple check that I’ve locked the door before getting into my car and making my way to my apartment.
Living in a giant apartment building has its pros and cons. On the one hand, I never have to deal with things like lawn care or maintenance. If something breaks all I have to do is go online, submit a ticket, and within a week the cute maintenance man shows up to fix it. Plus, I never feel truly alone. I can hear people coming and going, I can hear people talking outside, I can hear the cars outside my window. On the other hand, I never truly feel alone which makes jerking off pretty fucking awkward.
Thank god I’ve never had a truly noisy neighbor. For a few months there was a couple who lived down the hallway from me who fought almost every night but they were far enough away that I only heard them if I was standing in my kitchen right next to my fridge. Sure, it was fun to listen to the first few times but after that, it was such a drag.
The two apartments next to mine have gotten new tenants recently but I haven’t been able to meet them yet. I’m always so curious when new people move in. Maybe this weekend I’ll bake some brownies and knock on their doors to welcome them to the building.
It’s not because I’m nosy! No, I’m just trying to be a good neighbor!
If I was really nosy, I would have asked around to the neighbors I already know. None of them have had anything interesting to say lately so it must be just run-of-the-mill average Joe types.
I make my way up the stairs, juggling my keys as I go. At the top of the landing, I turn to the right to face my door, freezing when I hear someone getting ready to leave their apartment in the apartment to my left. That’s one of the new people.
Thinking quick, I drop my keys on the floor and kneel down. I want to get a look and introduce myself but I don’t want them to think I’ve been sitting out here waiting for them like some sort of weirdo.
Doing my best to seem cool, calm, and collected, I take my time ‘finding’ my keys from the floor. The door to the left of mine swings open and nothing could have prepared me for what I’m seeing.
My eyes stare at a pair ofpurpleshins. I look up. Then up. Then up some more. I’m craning my neck all the way back in order to properly gaze upon the face of my new neighbor. He’s fucking huge, and purple, and has a fuckingtail.
Oh my god. Somehow, without realizing it, a fucking alien has moved in beside me!
Of course I know aliens are real and I even knew there were some coming to live on Earth, at least for a little while. It’s been plastered all over the news for the last few years. I would have to be completely off the grid to not know that at this point. But I didn’t realize one would behere, in my building, living beside me.
And I certainly wasn’t prepared for him to be sohot.
I quickly pick up my keys and stand up. I still have to crane my neck to look up at him. He’s gotta be at least two feet taller than me and Jesus Christ, even that is insanely hot. I need to get a grip before I sexually harass my new neighbor.
