Page 85 of When Sinners Fall
“Don’t patronise me like I’m some little girl. You think I can sleep on this and it’s going to go away? Dante, are you that delusional? Do you not understand?”
“What are you saying?”
His question prompts me to wonder what I am saying myself.
“I don’t know!” I scream at him. “But you’ve ruined us. You ruined how I see you, and I’m scared. All of the shit you’ve put me through… I am so mad at you, and I don’t even want to look at you.” My voice takes on an edge that’s so vicious, I don’t recognise myself.
I walk out of the room, confused and near manic, until I'm in the spare bedroom and slamming the door behind me. Trouble is, there's no answer in there either. It's empty and desolate, but at least I'm alone. Which is what I need to find my way through or out of this.
~
“No, no no no!”
My eyes spring open as I back up the bed, the covers around my ankles. I look around the room, afraid of what I might see, but Dante’s not here. I’m still alone, and there’s no blood.
My lungs take a few deep breaths to get my breathing back under control.
A nightmare. That’s all. Except, nightmares are what you're most afraid of and aren’t meant to come true. This might have been a dream – my mind processing all of the events of yesterday. Maybe it was trying to rid all of the memories I wish I could forget. But it can't, can it? They were real.
I must have fallen asleep pretty fast last night, but now I’m not sure I’ll be able to close them again. The unfamiliar room is strange, and I search for something to ground me as I pull back the covers, sit on the side of the bed, and run my hands through my hair. Nothing does.
I stand and put the robe back on before heading to the kitchen. Coffee.
The actions of making coffee are automatic, and I don’t need to think. Before I know it, there’s a steaming mug in my hand, and I walk to the sitting room and curl my legs up under me.
It’s not dawn yet, but there’s a hue of light in the sky – a promise of the new day, perhaps.
A new day.
It’s a little bit of a joke. I mean, what’s coming next? Surely that’s it now? There can’t be anything else?
My thoughts run off, a way of processing things again, maybe, and I don’t fight it. I let it happen, like a literal mind map emerging, remembering. My coffee is drunk, and the pale promise of the new dawn turns the colours of the sky from inky blues to grey and purple as the sun finally breaks free.
Dante is nowhere to be seen, but my thoughts aren’t far from him. They aren’t far from the realisation that this is my life now. I chose him, and back then, I knew there were other factors in my life I’d be choosing. Little things. The possessiveness. The unanswered questions. And maybe an internal war is now starting to form around the question of whatIwant to do next. Does Dante mean that much to me? To change my entire life? Everything up until yesterday seemed to pale into insignificance. I was swept along, but this has me scared. Yet every time I try to imagine leaving, tears break free and race down my cheeks.
As the light pierces the room, I wipe under my eyes, stand and go to top up my coffee. God, there’s not enough coffee in the world to get me through this day. And there’s no way I’m going back into the office. At the moment, I can’t even contemplate how I’ll go back to work. A normal life.
I head back towards the lounge but stop to watch the front door for a second – staring at it with the cup of coffee in my hand. Will it be enough? Will the doors keep me safe? Am I safe with Dante?
Footsteps draw my attention, and I’m caught between wanting to look at Dante and then not being ready to.
“What are you doing out here?” he asks.
“Why do you care?”
“Don’t fucking test me, Wren. You know I care, so don’t play dumb.”
I ignore him and make my way back to the sofa.
Half of me wants Dante to follow, but the anger inside is still so raw I’m not sure it will help. He makes it easy for me, and doesn’t. But I hear the shower turn on.
Less than fifteen minutes later, he storms in.
“I’m going to meet Abel. I’ll be back later. Don’t get any ideas about leaving. I know you’re not talking to me, and I realise you're not into me touching you, but don’t be stupid.”
“Charming as ever,” I toss back.
He shakes his head. “Just… stay safe. We’ll talk later.”
