Page 57 of When Sinners Rise
He drops his head, and I watch his shoulders rise and fall with the heaviness of his breaths. Maybe he really means it, and this is it – he’s got nowhere else to go.
I pull my knees up to my chest and hug them, trying to fend off the guilt that’s sparked to life. There’s no way I should be feeling guilty, but somewhere in amongst all of this, I’ve seen glimpses of what Shaw might be like without his family.
As I think about it, I realise that’s why he opened the cage door for me, why he fought his brother. He wanted to help, like he just did; otherwise, I’d be dead already. He’s admitted that. He knows it was the right thing, and that’s why I’m here and not tied to some sick man’s bed being forced to do God knows what.
“Maybe we’re even now,” I start, pushing the last thought from my mind before I descend into chaos again.
“There’s no way we’re even. My world is blown to pieces because of you. I’ve lost everything.” He doesn’t turn around; just keeps staring out the window.
“My world’s in the same shape. I watched my sister, my only living family, drive off without me. She left me with a stranger because of your family.” I wait to see if he responds or if he tries to argue or shout it all down. He doesn’t. He stays vigilant, watching. “She left her family behind, knowing she may never see them again. Knowing it would be dangerous and she might have to run for the rest of her life. But something in her thought it was the right thing to do. So maybe it’s not me that you’re like, but my sister.”
“Your sister was stupid. And maybe I am, too. Don’t try making this something it’s not.”
We’re silent for a while, and I can feel the creep of tiredness close in around me. My eyes drop for a second, but when they do, I’m right back in the dark, back in that cell, and the panic laps at the edge of my mind.
I pull my head back up. “Look, you need to rest. If you’re worried, I can keep watch.” I stand up; otherwise, I will be the one asleep, and I’m not sure I want that.
“No,” he snaps. “It’s my family that will come. Mine. At least, they were mine until I betrayed them. And now look. The one time,” he spins towards me and grabs my shoulders, “the one time, I do the right thing, it goes to shit.” He shoves me away, and I can feel the anger building inside him, spilling out into the room. So many mixed emotions tangle between us, like we’re caught in a web of hate and attraction. That’s where this started, isn’t it? That’s where it all went wrong.
I liked him.
I liked him and dropped my guard, and all hell broke loose.
“If I’d done what my family wanted, if I’d just lived up to their stupid expectations and what came with being a Cortez, this shit wouldn’t be here now. Mariana fought for her place. Mine was handed to me. But I just shoved it away, and now I’ll never get it back.” He grits the last words through his teeth.
“Who’s Mariana?” I sit on the edge of the bed.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Is she the woman who trained us? The woman in London?”
“No. Carmen isn’t one of us. Likes to think she is, though. She’s good at her job. Keeps you in check.”
“Fuck you. She wouldn’t be so keen if she knew what it was like.” He starts to laugh. It sounds crazy to start with, completely out of character. “What’s so funny?”
He stops laughing. “Carmen was one of you. A long time ago. Shares the same mark, too.”
The realisation chills me. How could she? But then, haven’t I learned that the world isn’t what I thought it was?
I lie down again, with my back towards Shaw and feel the drag of sleep begin to take me.
If he’s going to be stubborn and hostile, then fine.
We can figure things out in the morning.
~
My mouth feels dry and sticky. My eyes are still closed, but I’m thirsty as I come to. There’s light, and I’m in a room. Not the cold and dingy place – not locked away.
The memories rush back to mind as if waking up turned on the tap. Running, fighting, Shaw.
I roll onto my back and practically land on top of him.
Panic rushes through me, and I throw the covers back and jump out of bed.
“Don’t worry,” he mutters. “You were out of it. Didn’t even stir when I turned you on your side.”
He’s still watching the window despite being next to me.
