Page 81 of When Sinners Rise
“We’re getting married. I want my family there.” Something shifts in Abel’s eyes, like a fog descending for a second before it clears the storm that was still brewing. “I’d like to think we’d learnt something from the shit we had with Mariana. Leave him be, Abel. He knows what he’s done. And whether you like it or not, he did what a Cortez does – he fought for his beliefs.” Abel looks back at Knox for a moment. Doesn’t say a damn word in reply, but he stares until he turns and walks past us all towards the stairs.
Dante follows him, glaring at me.
Yeah, whatever that was, it’s far from over, and I get the feeling I just dodged an ending I wasn’t prepared for.
“When?” Mariana says, rushing at Knox. “How? A baby? Why didn’t you tell us?” She kisses him on the side of the face, hugging him, too, like we’re all some happy family.
He looks at me. “She never took the pills. Says she left it to fate.”
“And that’s where you’ve been all this time? With her?” she says.
“Yeah.”
“But you're happy?”
“Yeah.” He keeps looking at me, frowning, and tries coming closer. “You alright?” I back away, shrugging and swiping my mouth again. “You’re a goddamn fool, Shaw.” Hehuffs, looking at Kai. “You keep Abel off him for the wedding. We’ll talk after that.” Kai nods like the good guy he is.
“Talk about what, Knox?” I mutter, turning from them. “There isn’t a happy ending here. I’m done, and we all know it.”
“He’ll come round,” he says as I get to the main door.
My brow arches as I walk out.
No, he won’t.
I don’t really take much time analysing anything for the next hour. We all move towards the courthouse like a family that isn’t in turmoil. I ride with Kai and Mariana, Dante takes Lexi, Peyton and the baby, and Abel drives Knox. They smile, and they talk about a new generation as we enter the building, but I’m not on board with that for reasons I can’t process yet. Even Abel seems like he’s not mad at me for a while. He doesn’t talk to me, but he doesn’t make me feel like the outcast I am, either. It feels like a show to me, though, like every moment, despite Knox needing it real and filled with family love, is tainted with the bad blood I’ve brought home to them. Maybe that’s because it is. Blood or not, I’m not like them. I just proved it.
The last wedding we all attended was the sham between Abel and Lexi. This is nothing like that. It’s understated and intimate, and regardless of my own discomfort here, it’s real. Dante’s up there beside Knox, being best man. Everyone's here who means something with no one else in the way. I’ve never seen Knox look at someone like he’s looking at Peyton. He’s fiercely protective of her. It’s in every move he makes and every glance he sends her way. Then there's the way they’re looking at each other as they say their vows. That’s true as fuck. It’s full of a meaning I never once saw from Abel or Lexi on their day. Guess it’s full of love and respect. Peace even.
Albeit, as I look over at Abel and Lexi holding Cade, they’re the same now in their own way. He cries, and Lexi shushes him, and I smile at that, as the marriageisconfirmed.Even her – the bitch from hell – knows love and kindness and right from wrong. The shame of it is, that kid’s gonna grow up as one of them – a Cortez. He’ll be trained and moulded, and before long, he’ll know nothing of peace and happiness. He’ll know how to kill someone, and he’ll know how to trade in our business and run an empire, but let’s hope he’s his father’s son through and through. Let’s hope, for his sake, he’s heartless and near fucking untouchable. He’ll survive them, then. He’ll know a love I don’t think I ever have.
Vows done and congratulations given, we all walk out of the courthouse into the streaming sun. Someone says they’re all going to Bellini’s for food so they can celebrate. My feet stall, and I look over at Abel. He inclines his head, like some offer of conciliatory obligation on his part. I guess some sense might have fallen into place in his head, or Knox’s words about us learning from Mariana’s problems could've hit home. Either way, my feet don’t want to move towards him. If they do and he says the right things, I’ll be back to where I was before all this started. I’ll be their whore again. I can’t be that anymore.
Sighing in reply, I nod. Not as an acceptance but as a goodbye. I track backwards, away from their direction, and turn after I’ve taken one last look at them all together. Bright sunlight hits me square in the face as I step out of the shade of the building. I drop my sunglasses and keep walking. I’ll love them forever, and I don’t know where I’m going from here, but it won’t be with them.
It can't be.
I’m out.
CHAPTER THIRTY
MIRI
The next few weeks fall into an easier pattern.
Work, training, and trying to forget about my feelings.
Naja and I finally found some sort of peace between us. Our argument, or fight, or whatever you want to call it, seems to have finally sunk in, and we’re finding a new way between us. With her finally seeing my side in all of this, she’s starting to see how things might look for her and not just us.
Work is busy, and I cleared the air with Peter and Mandy by offering drinks after work. They were so shocked by my out-of-character invite that they didn’t pry too much into my recent absence.
I even moved back into the apartment. Willow helped. We had it completely cleaned, and she even re-decorated. She said it was overdue and was happy to help make it more like I’d want. Instead of resenting the gesture, like I would have before, I embraced it and enjoyed looking for something that I could try to make mine. The bedroom is still downstairs, though. Landon’s room reminds me of Shaw and that stirs mixedemotions. Rightly or wrongly, I’m choosing to believe that it wasn’t all a lie.
Looking at what I have here – what Willow and Landon have done for me – through this new lens of life – everything feels lighter, easier. And I need to start showing that I’m grateful for it. But there’s one thing I can’t fix.
My heart still aches, and the unknown of what happened to Shaw still needles at me. It hasn’t left and seems to grow, like a shadow at dusk that takes over my thoughts and draws me back from moving forward. Ironic, as he’s the one who told me to go on and live. I even went to Landon to ask if he’d be able to find out his fate, but as I entered his office and looked at him behind his desk, I couldn’t. Instead, I thanked him. Again.
So many questions about Landon and his involvement with the Cortez and the Cane’s swim in my mind, but they’re for another day. Maybe even never. I will always hope he was looking for me – fighting for me – like Logan mentioned.
