Page 38 of Beneath Her Hands
“Well, it’s finally over,” her mother said with a heaving breath. She had been crying off and on since arriving at the hospital, and Rosalind was sure that she was at the same point of exhaustion. Rosalind checked her phone again, hoping for a call from Jane, but it was still silent.
“You sound relieved,” Rosalind said, it wasn’t judgmental, just observant.
“I am, in a way,” her mother said with a deep breath. “It’s hard to explain, but I’m glad it’s over. Of course, I wish it could have gone differently. I wish he had never gotten sick, but the waiting, that was awful, for all of us, including your father.”
Rosalind nodded; she completely understood what she meant. Rosalind had watched many family members suffer in silence when there was nothing left or that medicine could do. It felt like the most awful thought in the world that someone would be relieved when they lose someone, but sometimes that’s exactly what happens. It didn’t mean you didn’t love them or didn’t want them to stay around, just that the suffering was finally over. Still, guilt crept into the sentiment whether Rosalind wanted it or not.
Finally, her mother decided that she was going to go home and get some rest. Rosalind let her leave, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave the hospital just yet. She headed back to her office, and for the first time, she really broke down and cried. She laid her head down on her desk and sobbed, allowing thegrief to wash over her. She had known it was coming, but somewhere, somehow, she had believed that maybe this wasn’t going to be the end, yet here it was. She was done here. Her mother was taken care of, no thanks to Rosalind of course, and her father was gone—there was nothing left in this hospital for her now. She glanced at her phone again, but still Jane had not returned her call. Surely by now Jane had heard about her father’s passing, and he was Jane’s patient. She would have to call eventually, Rosalind tried to convince herself of that.
Finally, Rosalind picked herself up from her desk. She had arrangements to make, and she needed to check in on her mother. Still, everything felt heavy. It was all too hard to take on alone. She wanted Jane. No, she needed Jane. She had to just tell her how she felt, all of it. Jane would have to decide for herself if she wanted a life with Rosalind, but right now in this hollowed out state, Rosalind knew that she had to try. She picked up the phone and dialed Jane’s number.
18
Jane
Once showered and clothed again, Jane watched the mirror as she added the dark eyeliner that she enjoyed wearing. For the briefest of moments, she wondered how Rosalind saw her. She immediately chastised herself for the thought. She didn’t wear the makeup or the clothes or the hair for anyone but herself. This was something she had once struggled with, but now she enjoyed the way her green eyes stood in sharp contrast to the dark liner, the way her hair fell around her shoulders. It had taken most of her childhood to become confident in the way she stood, her long limbs and her slim frame. It didn’t matter how Rosalind saw her; it’s not like she was about to change it for anyone.
Her phone vibrated on the counter in the kitchen, but Jane ignored it. If it was the hospital, she was already on her way, and if it was Rosalind, well, she would just have to wait. She finished getting ready and finally checked her phone, she had two missed calls from Rosalind, and one from Dr. Mars. Rosalind’s father had passed, and a cut of pain sliced through Jane’s chest.Rosalind would be hurting right now, but she needed to be with her mother. She didn’t need Jane distracting her, no matter how much she may think she wants it. She wanted to be more to her than a distraction. It hurt, but she would give Rosalind the space she needed to figure out what she wanted, and if it was Jane, then that would be amazing. If it wasn’t, then, well… Jane shook her head, she couldn’t think about that. As badly as she wanted to try to convince herself that she would be fine if Rosalind rejected her, some part of her knew better. If Rosalind left, it would devastate her. She refused to admit it though.
She started the short trek to the hospital and just let her thoughts wander. Rosalind had a lot to deal with right now, and as difficult as it was, she was going to step back and give Rosalind the space she needed. Still, she had to go and complete the files on her father. The man had been her patient, and a hint of guilt burrowed its way into the pit of her stomach that she wasn’t there for his last moments. Her phone started vibrating again, as though she had willed it into existence. It was Rosalind again. Jane stared at the name on the screen as she stepped into the intersection and her finger hovered over the key to answer it.
A deafening screech pierced the air and the world went tumbling. Pain blinded Jane, searing though her whole body as she careened through the air. It was strange, watching the world tumble beneath her; it was as though time slowed down, though she didn’t understand why. When everything finally stopped, she couldn’t move and the headlights in front of her were much higher than they should have been. Jane closed her eyes and found she couldn’t open them again.
Noise filled her senses, shouting, screaming, the world was moving again, but she couldn’t process any of the information. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. She forced her eyes open. Someone was talking to her. Jane knew this person, but she couldn’t say how. The woman kept speaking to her, but Janecouldn’t make out the words. The world was ringing and cold and wet. Or was it warm and wet? It had been raining, but this wasn’t water all over her. She closed her eyes again. No! She forced them open. She had to stay awake, though the pain told her otherwise. Her consciousness tried to slip again, but Jane wouldn’t let it.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Jane heard the voice say as her body was moved and jostled. Pain screamed through her extremities, darkening the edges of her vision. Where was her phone? She needed to answer it. Rosalind! A loud thunk sounded near her feet, but she couldn’t lift her head to see what was happening. All the chaos was muffled, now there were the beeps and blips of machines, familiar machines, but in the wrong place. Jane knew the sound, that was the blood pressure alert. The patient’s blood pressure was dropping dangerously low, she needed to do something. “Doctor Roberts?” The voice carried over her again, and this time a face popped into view.I know you,Jane thought, but she couldn’t say how. “Can you hear me?” the woman asked, and Jane furrowed her eyebrows. The pain was excruciating. “You’ve been in an accident, Doctor Roberts, we are on the way to the hospital.”
Why?Jane tried to ask out loud, but nothing came out.What happened?
“The damn car must have run the light,” the woman said, though her face was turned away. Jane remembered seeing a car, or at least the headlights. Her vision darkened again, and this time she couldn’t fight it. Jane closed her eyes.
Siren screams filled her head and a rush of cold air flowed over her. That voice again, the familiar but unfamiliar, shouting numbers and statistics. This was all so familiar, but wrong. She was seeing it, hearing it all from the wrong perspective. She was supposed to be listening, taking notes, sending someone, somewhere. Why couldn’t she move? She needed to stand up,she couldn’t adequately assess the situation from down here. Her muscles wouldn’t respond to her commands though, and her vision was blurry. What was happening to her?
Lights flashed above her as someone pulled her eyes opened and shined a bright light in them. She tried to push them away, but her arms wouldn’t work. Something was in her mouth, she started to gag. Someone else was talking to her now, she knew the words, familiar, rote, something she’d said herself a thousand times.
“Jane, blink if you can hear me,” the disembodied voice behind the light said. She knew that voice. Squinting into the light she tried to make her body obey her commands, but it wouldn’t. There was so much pain, but at least she was warm now—wasn’t she? Maybe it was the darkness that was warm.
She heard shouting. Rosalind. Rosalind was shouting at someone, not at her though, at least she didn’t think so. Warmth spread through her chest at the sound. It was violent, desperate, but it was Rosalind and Rosalind’s voice would always bring comfort. Jane closed her eyes again and the noise and pain melted away. Images of Rosalind flashed in her mind, interspersed with family, friends, the hospital. Rosalind. She knew Rosalind. Rosalind would save her. Save her from what?
Jane forced her eyes open again, and this time the pain blinded her. Nothing in her body was registering the way it should. Her legs were all wrong, her arms wouldn’t respond. Some machine was roaring over her, but even her breathing was labored and painful. She wasn’t getting enough air. Something was very wrong, but Jane couldn’t determine what was happening.
“It’s all right,” a disembodied voice called over her. “We will have you out in a minute and get to work fixing you up. You’re going to be fine.” The voice sounded familiar, but it was tinny and mechanical. She tried to turn her head, but it was bracedin some contraption. She couldn’t shout, she couldn’t move, everything hurt so much. The edges of her vision started to darken. Trying to fight it, she forced her eyes to stay open, but her strength quickly gave out and everything went dark again.
It was so cold. She couldn’t actually feel her body, but it had to be shivering. She blinked hurriedly and tears streamed down her cheeks. What was happening? Then the most beautiful face she’d ever seen floated into the air above her. Rosalind. She was wearing a gown and a mask, but Jane would know those eyes anywhere.
She was going to be safe now, she was sure of that.
The world became heavy and dark. Despite her effort, Jane closed her eyes. She had to keep breathing. Shewouldkeep breathing. That was simple enough. All she had to do was keep breathing.
19
Rosalind
Rosalind tossed the phone onto her desk. She knew Jane was ignoring her on purpose, and she hated herself ever so slightly for allowing their relationship to come to this. If she had just been honest with Jane, if she had just been honest with herself, Jane would be with her right now. Jane would have been the one to pronounce her father’s death, as it should have been. Instead, Rosalind was alone in her office crying over a loss that she’d already mourned and trying desperately to find a way to fix what she had broken. Jane would likely never trust her again, and Rosalind couldn’t blame her.
Suddenly, Dr. Mars was standing in her doorway, the skin on her face drawn tight. She was pale and frightened. Rosalind had never seen her like that before.
“What is it?” Rosalind asked.
