Page 60 of The Secret Life of a Lady
‘No, no, no.’ She tripped over the baron in her haste to reach her mother’s still form.
Hannah rolled Cynthia over. Her mother’s eyes were open and sightless. There was a gash on Cynthia’s temple where she’d hit the mantel, the cut bright crimson against her pale skin.
This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.
‘Mama. Wake up.’ Hannah shook her mother’s shoulder. Oncebluer than a cloudless sky, Cynthia’s eyes were oddly opaque in the firelight. ‘Please, Mama!’
Hannah wrapped her arms around her mother, rocking back and forth as the fire burned down to coals.
Hannah stayed silent for a moment, waiting for Killian to respond. But he didn’t say a word. He just held her in his arms.
‘I don’t regret killing him. I would go back and do it again. I would make him scream.’ Her voice shook, but Killian only tightened his grip around her. ‘My soul is surely destined to burn for all eternity, and even then, I won’t regret killing Raymond Smythe.’ She thought she would feel guilt, or shame. But what filled her chest was overwhelming relief. A tear tracked down her cheek and she took a shaky breath. After so very long of keeping her worst sin a secret, she felt free.
‘I wish you hadn’t killed him.’ His voice was hard and cold.
The bubble of joy growing inside her cracked at Killian’s harsh words. Hannah tried to pull away from him. Now came the judgment. Now came the damnation and rejection she deserved. But he pulled her tighter against him, tucking her body into the hard shell of his own.
‘I wish you hadn’t killed him, so I could hunt the bastard down and kill him myself. Slowly.’ His breath caressed her hair, and his violent words swept away her disgrace.
‘You don’t think I’m a demon?’ She didn’t want to care about his answer, but it meant everything.
‘No more than I am. Or any human put in that situation. Not many have the courage to fight like you, Hannah. But we all hope for it. We all pray for the strength to do what we must when we must.’
‘Thank you,’ she whispered because it felt like a benediction.
‘I think you should marry me.’
Hannah burst into laughter. ‘You can’t be serious. I bet you propose to all the girls who confess their murders to you.’
Killian loosened his hold so she could turn and face him. ‘A duke doesn’t say something unless he means it.’
Sitting up, Hannah took the blanket with her, tucking it under her arm. ‘Why?’
Could he want her for her? Knowing her sins, her lack of pedigree, her scarred body and blackened soul? Seeing everything but still loving her?
Killian mirrored her pose, sitting next to her. ‘Because I understand you, Hannah. And more importantly because I compromised you. I was a man of honour once. You may not have a father to demand I make good on my actions, but I had one who would expect nothing less of me.’
Ah. Well. That hurts more than I expected.
He wanted to marry her. Not because she shared the most vulnerable pieces of her past and risked her heart. Not because he wanted her. Not because he loved her. But because he didn’t want to become a libertine.
Moments before, Hannah was filled with light. Incandescently happy. Then Killian opened his stupid mouth and ruined everything. Anger poisoned her joy. Of course he didn’t want to marry her because he needed her. He didn’t want to marry her because the thought of being separated was untenable. He didn’t want to marry her because he was desperately in love. He wanted to marry her to avoid besmirching his warped sense of integrity.
‘You are a bloody idiot,’ Hannah fumed.
His shoulders stiffened.
Hannah ripped the blankets off, jumped out of the bed, and began to pace. In her anger, she lost all modesty.
His lips were pressed tight, and he stared at his knees. The bloody stubborn brute wouldn’t even look at her.
‘What is wrong with you?’ Hannah came back to the bed, kneeling next to him on the mattress. She couldn’t believe he was reducing this moment to something as cold and heartless as obligation.
Killian’s eyes snapped to hers. ‘Everything is wrong with me. The war took most of my honour, Hannah. It stripped me of everything noble. I came back knowing any valiant ideal or decent action I had taken in my youth was a lie. There was no good left in me. You have lived the last ten years thinking you were a fiend for killing a man who deserved death. But I know the beast that lives inside of me. That would claw and maim and consume anyone in my path, regardless of their guilt or innocence. When your mother was threatened, you fought and suffered and bled trying to protect her.’
‘And I failed. I failed and she died.’ Hannah felt the brutal edge of a blade that never stopped drawing blood.
‘You didn’t fail. But I did. I watched my men be tortured, starved, and killed. I watched them being chained like dogs. They made me witness every atrocity they committed, and I did nothing to stop it.’ His voice was ragged. Tears streaked down his cheeks. ‘I came home horrified that I still lived when so many better men died. I promised myself I would make what was left of my life worth their sacrifice. I would reclaim my honour. I would do whatever I must to become the man of worth my father raised.’
