Page 63 of A Lady's Lesson in Scandal
He would have even more questions than Philippa could possibly imagine. But perhaps that was why Millie had been so bold.
Or maybe it was her earlier conversation with Renquist. ‘I’ve been thinking on that.’ Millie’s belly filled with fireflies, flapping their little wings a million beats a second.
‘Have you?’ Philippa’s arched brow spoke volumes.
She had. As much as she tried to discount Renquist’s words about shared power between herself and Drake, they had filledher with an insidious hope for the impossible. One she couldn’t easily dispel.
‘What if I tell him? About me? About the missions I hope to take on for Queen Victoria?’ It was a wild plan, but Millie was a wild woman. ‘What if he and I approach this marriage as equal partners instead of distant acquaintances joined by a mutual goal instead of just a marriage contract?’
For a small eternity, Philippa remained absolutely still. ‘What if revealing your secrets only gives him more power over you? Power to take away everything?’
Fear warred with Millie’s reckless hopes. Philippa was painting a far more realistic picture of marriage than Renquist. But at this point, Millie might have already travelled too far down the path of revelation to turn back.
She opened her mouth but had no answer.
‘In my limited experience with men, trusting them with anything – especially the truth – ends in disaster. For the woman.’ Philippa turned her head, spearing Millie with her cobalt gaze. Fine lines fanned out from the corners of Philippa’s eyes, marring the perfection of her skin. Sometimes, Millie forgot Philippa was flesh and blood. A woman carving out her fortune in a man’s world. Not nearly as impenetrable as she wanted the beau monde to believe. It was a startling thought.
‘Can you promise me he’ll support you? Can you look me in the eye right now and say with 100 per cent certainty that he won’t take your information and use it to control you? To contain you? To lash you to him with bonds you won’t dare be able to break?’ Philippa’s low voice struck like a blade.
Millie couldn’t. But neither could she abandon the idea of a true partnership with her husband-to-be. ‘I…’ She couldn’t hold Philippa’s gaze.
Damnation. What if I’ve made a terrible mistake revealing so much to him?
‘Exactly. I won’t tell you what to do. Hannah taught me well how little power I wield over a woman in love, but?—’
‘I’m not in love with him.’
Philippa tipped her head back and laughed.
‘I’m not,’ Millie hissed as panic filled her.
Desire is not love. Need is not love.
What of affection? Admiration? Respect?
She closed her eyes and shook her head, refusing to let fancy fly away with her good sense. Liking Drake was one thing. Loving him would put her in far too vulnerable a position.
‘Fine, you don’t love him… yet. But you are close to the fall, and once you step over that precipice, there is no turning back. There is one thing I know with certainty: a woman in love is a very foolish creature indeed.’
Anger bubbled up in Millie as Philippa’s words struck far too close to the mark. ‘I am not foolish. And what could you possibly know of love? You held no such affection for the duke.’
Philippa gripped Millie’s wrist in a vice. ‘I know more of love than you could ever imagine. I know how it can devastate you. How it can hollow you out until you are nothing but a shell. How it can steal your will to live. How it can amputate the very best parts of yourself until they are just a memory. Don’t speak to me about what I do or do not know of love.’ Tears filled Philippa’s eyes before she pressed her lips together in a grim line.
Dear God.
Millie had never seen Philippa show emotion, let alone the raw pain pouring from every pore like poison from a lanced wound.
‘I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. But I am not a fool, Philippa.’
Philippa took a deep breath, blinked the tears away, and loosened her grip on Millie. ‘We are all fools, Millicent. I was the biggest fool of all. Because I believed in the glory of love. Thepromises it whispered of hope, and joy, and forever. But those promises are lies. I only wish to save you from a similar fate. You will do as you please, but I warn you. Don’t trust Major General Drake with your secrets. He’s not worth the price of your heart.’ She walked away from Millie to join Lady Bradford on the sofa, donning her composure as one might put on their armour before battle.
Shit.
Whoever Philippa had loved must have hurt her terribly. Millie couldn’t begin to imagine how someone as strong and powerful as the Duchess of Dorsett could be brought so low, but her wounds were still wide open and bleeding underneath the fortress she created.
But love doesn’t have to destroy. It can protect. It can heal.
Despite her best efforts, the hope blooming in her chest refused to be doused by logic and reason.
