Page 61 of All Night with the Cowboy
He saw the hurt register the second the words had come out of his mouth. Why the fuck had he said that? Why, when she was here with him right now and he was trying to convince her that they should be hooking up, would he have snapped that at her?
He swallowed. He’d said it because it was the goddamn truth and the words had been festering for years, that’s why.
“Shit, I didn’t mean to sound like that,” he said, cringing at the fierce look on her face now. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said—”
“Yeah, well, you did,” she interrupted before he could finish, “and I’m not about to remind you that I hurt myself, too. Can we just go?”
He faltered. “Go?” She wasn’t serious, was she?
“Yeah, as in get going. Leave,” she replied. “You’re fine, Tanner. You’ve got great movement and you need to keep up your stretches. Be careful of that wrist and be sure to get it strapped before your first competition. You don’t need me here and you know it, because this wasn’t about your recovery, it was about us.”
He watched as she gathered up her reins again and lifted her leg, waiting for a boost. When he didn’t comply, she managed to stick her foot in the stirrup and haul herself up into the saddle on her own.
“It’s over, Tanner,” she said, looking down at him. “Whatever this was, whateveruspart two was, it’s over,and we’re not doing this again. I can’t put myself through this again. It’s not fair to either of us, and it’s definitely not fair to me.”
He’d hurt her, just like he’d always wanted to all those years before, to make her feel what he’d felt, only now the last thing he wanted to do was see tears in her eyes, to hurt the only woman he’d ever truly loved. And he hadn’t even realized, back then, that she’d hurt herself just as bad in the process.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his throat thick with emotion. “I’m so sorry, Lauren.”
“Yeah, me too,” she said somberly. “I should have known better than agreeing to come here in the first place.”
He remounted his horse and they rode silently back toward the yards. He kept glancing over at her, at the way she was holding her chin high, sitting in the saddle like she’d been doing it her entire life.
“You know, once upon a time, I couldn’t have imagined a life without you,” he forced himself to say, knowing he needed to get what he was thinking off his chest while he could. He needed to be honest with her. “I could see us on the ranch together, with a brood of kids cantering around on ponies or climbing trees.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve got my own place now, but I still see myself here.”
She met his gaze, just briefly. “Me too, Tanner. I used to see that too.”
When they eventually reached the yards, having ridden the rest of the way in silence, she dismounted on her own and he didn’t offer to help—he could tell when a woman wanted her own space, and Lauren was giving off that vibe a hundred times over.
He took the reins from her as she stepped toward him, one hand to his shoulder as she stood on tiptoes and brushed a kiss to his cheek.
“Goodbye, Tanner,” she said, her smile sweet as she stepped away. “I wish things could have been different between us.”
He swallowed a lump in his throat as she turned and walked away. She was walking out of his life again, and this time he knew he’d never see her again. He stood there for as long as he could stand it, then led the horses into the yard, taking off their saddles and bridles, calmly giving them a rubdown and then letting them go, not wanting them to feel his anger and be scared of his temper. It was only once the horses were away from him that he let out a roar that made him sound more animal than human.
Goddamn it!
He shut his eyes and smacked his palm into the fence as he buckled forward and struggled to breathe. Telling himself she’d been the former love of his life? That had been utter bullshit. He loved her as much now as he had then, he was just too chickenshit to put his heart on the line again and admit the truth. Instead he’d let her walk away all over again.
***
Lauren had no idea what she’d done. She slapped her hand against her mouth as she sat in her car, in shock, her entire body shaking as she tried not to scream. What was so different about being with Tanner now? Tears burned her eyes but she refused to let them fall, frantically blinking them away as she let her forehead drop to the steering wheel.
Why had she ever agreed to see Tanner again? Whyhad she ever thought she could have a fling with a man she’d once loved so deeply? Why had she been stupid enough to say yes to him on the phone the other day instead of refusing to go near him again?
Because she was too weak when it came to him. So weak it made her sick. She should never have come here, and she’d known it before she’d even stepped foot on the ranch.
Tap, tap, tap.
Lauren looked up, mortified when she saw Mia Ford standing outside her car, looking worried on the other side of the glass. She went to put her window down, then realized the key wasn’t in the ignition so she pushed the door open, quickly wiping at her eyes. Why hadn’t she just gotten in her car and driven away? If she hadn’t sat here, then Mia wouldn’t have seen her and she wouldn’t be about to have a discussion with the sister of the man she’d just turned her back on. Again.
“Hey, is everything okay?” Mia’s face was the picture of concern, and it made a fresh wave of emotion clog in Lauren’s throat. “What happened?”
“Sorry, I was just leaving,” Lauren managed, clearing her throat and trying to act like she wasn’t falling to pieces. She took a deep breath and forced a tight smile that she was sure wouldn’t fool anyone. “I’m fine.”
“Lauren, what’s going on? You’re not fine,” Mia said. “Do you want to come in for a coffee or something?”
Lauren coughed, still trying to breathe and stop the sobs that were waiting to erupt in her chest. “I need to go, I’m sorry.”
