Page 48 of A Ferry Merry Christmas
James’s wife was having another contraction, and with the crowd gathered around the young man, Beth and Olivia started counting out the seconds.
When the counting and the singing ceased, Logan said it again, a bit louder this time. “I couldn’t do it.”
Seeing that he wasn’t going to let her pretend she hadn’t heard him, she turned her head just enough to look at him. “Do what?”
He lowered his head. “Tell Olivia I wouldn’t be there for Christmas.”
Unsure of what he expected her to say or what she should feel, she decided it was best to say nothing.
“She was so happy when she thought I’d be with the two of you,” he continued. “I can’t disappoint her.”
When he’d told her he’d changed his mind, she’d wanted to shout at him, calling him a coward. If they had been anywhere but on a crowded ferry, she would have said what was on her mind.
The truth, the bottom line, was that Logan was afraid of facing her parents, knowing they were helping her not only with Olivia’s medical bills but also with other expenses.
Beth knew he feared her mom or dad would call him out for the way he’d given up on them and mostly on himself. Rather than face the possibility, he’d chosen to crush Olivia’s joy.
“You mean to say you’ll be joining us?” she asked.
He didn’t look the least bit enthused. “I’ll come for a little while . . . I don’t have any gifts for anyone; I won’t stay long.”
“Okay,” she said.
He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I’m sorry, I’d hoped to have something for you and Olivia.”
“We don’t need gifts,” she said, struggling to keep her voice even. Olivia and Beth wanted nothing more than for him to come home so they could be a family again.
“More than life itself, I wish I could have been the man you believed I could be,” he continued in low tones. “I tried, Beth. I sincerely tried. Everything I did turned out wrong.”
She jerked her head back around to stare at him. “Everything you did showed that you cared, that even when money was tight, we still had each other and Olivia. We used to be a team, Logan, working together to build a family. Yes, there were problems, bills, stress, budget shortfalls. But we had each other until you left me to stand alone with a broken heart. I know how wrong it was for me to take that money from Mom and Dad without telling you, but . . .” Her voice cracked and she swallowed down a sob, angry with herself for letting him see her pain.
This was the first real conversation they’d had about his leaving. At first, after he’d left, she’d been too shocked to react, certain he would quickly change his mind and move back. Every conversation had been one she hoped would bring him home. Words he apparently didn’t want to hear because he’d stopped having more than a brief conversation when he collected Olivia, as if he couldn’t get away fast enough.
For far longer than she should have, Beth clung to the hope that Logan would change his mind. When it seemed that wasn’t going to happen, she broke down and wept bitter tears, refusing to beg, refusing to accept that he no longer wanted to be part of their lives.
Her hope had been replaced with heartache and despair. Because of his background, she realized how hard Logan struggled with his self-esteem. His father had beaten him down to the point where he struggled to make himself believe he was capable of becoming a success in life.
By the time a year passed, she became angry and bitter, but soon she realized how pointless resentment was. For a long while she struggled with acceptance and concentrated on being the best mom, daughter, and teacher that she could be. She had to let go and give Logan to God and pray that one day he’d come to accept how much he was loved.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
Tears were close to the surface, and once again her voice wobbled when she spoke. “I know.” Although it was tearing her up inside, she had to find the strength within herself to be grateful for whatever Logan was able to give of himself. If not for her, then for Olivia’s sake.
Once she felt she could keep her voice even, she said, “Having you spend even a short time with Olivia on Christmas will mean everything to her.”
“Like I said, I . . . I don’t have a gift for her,” he said. “I was hoping to sell my motorcycle, but the buyer changed his mind at the last minute.” Disappointment coated each word.
Beth remembered how still he’d gotten after reading a message on his phone. It was shortly after that when he’d decided to forgo Christmas with them.
“I’m glad he changed his mind. You love that bike.”
“I love Olivia more and was hoping to get her a Christmas gift . . . and you, too.”
Her lower lip quivered as she fought back emotion. That Logan would be willing to sacrifice his bike to give them Christmas gifts was like a punch to the heart. As hard as he pretended not to care, he clearly did.
Reaching for his hand, Beth entwined her fingers with his. It was all she could do without tearing up to reveal how deeply his words had touched her.
The singing and counting started up again, and this time Logan joined in, his voice blending in with Beth’s.
