Page 50 of A Ferry Merry Christmas
He looked away, and Beth thought she might have seen the sheen of tears in his eyes.
“Logan? What is it?”
He didn’t answer for a moment. “When Olivia was born, I was terrified I would lose you both.”
All Beth remembered was how concerned she was for her baby. As labor progressed, problems arose. Two doctors and a nurse fussed around her. The pains were strong and depleted her energy. She’d closed her eyes and concentrated on dealing with the pain and freeing this new life from her body.
“The doctors told me Olivia was in distress,” Logan said. “I didn’t know what that meant and no one took the time to explain what was happening. All the doctor told me was that they needed to help you deliver the baby as quickly as possible.”
Beth had been aware of the difficulties with Olivia’s lungs following her birth, but not right away. Her head had been pounding with a dull ache and it felt as if she grew weaker with each contraction.
“Olivia didn’t cry when she was born,” Logan reminded her.
“Yes . . . I remember that. Her lack of response was due to her lung development.”
“She was born blue, Beth, completely blue, and her chest had caved in and . . . you were completely out of it.”
Beth had contracted an infection. Whether it came from home or in the hospital they would never know. The night of Olivia’s birth, Beth’s fever spiked to 105 degrees.
“The doctors rushed Olivia out of the room,” Logan continued. “I was afraid to leave you, but I needed to know what was wrong with our daughter. They placed her in the NICU and hooked her tiny body up to oxygen. I thank God you weren’t there to see me. I fell apart and started crying, terrified I was about to lose both my wife and my baby.”
Beth knew none of this. “I had no idea.”
“How could you? By the time I was able to get back to you, they had you hooked up to antibiotics. The nursing staff was doing everything possible to bring down your fever.
“I sat by your bedside all night, praying and begging God to not take you from me. The nurse tried to make me leave, but I refused. I caused enough of a stir that they let me stay.”
“You were with me all night?” Exhausted as she’d been, Beth had slept for nearly ten hours.
“I went back and forth between you and Olivia.”
“I remember you were in the room when I woke.” Her fever had remained high. Much of the time after Olivia’s birth remained hazy.
“The first thing you asked me was about Olivia. I was afraid to tell you how close we came to losing her. Thankfully, you were sleeping during the worst of it.”
Beth smiled. “Our baby girl is a fighter.”
Logan’s eyes grew warm, and a soft smile touched the edges of his mouth. “The first time I was able to touch her, she reached for my finger. I didn’t know what to expect, what being a father would mean. As I watched her chest rise and fall, I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her safe. I’m not much of a praying man, yet in that moment I begged God to let her live.
“I wish I could explain this intense feeling that came over me in that moment. There was this pull, this tug on my heart. It was physical. I placed my hand there because I was half afraid I was having some kind of seizure. I couldn’t believe the strength of it as I stared down at this tiny life we’d created. In that moment I knew I would love this child more than anything.” His eyes shone with the sincerity of his words.
Beth wiped away a stray tear as it meandered down her cheek. Leaning her head toward Logan, she rested against his shoulder.
“I could never love you more than I did the night Olivia was born. You were so brave and strong. I’ve never deserved you, Beth. I desperately wanted to be a good provider and husband and I failed on all fronts.”
“You didn’t fail me, Logan,” she whispered.
“I did,” he insisted. “When I learned your parents were helping with the medical bills, I felt like less than a man that I couldn’t care for my family properly.”
Knowing how proud Logan was, Beth blamed herself. “I should have told you. Keeping it a secret was a betrayal that only added to your fears about caring for your family.”
“Telling me or not wouldn’t have made a difference. I couldn’t support my family and so, right or wrong, I left.”
Beth shifted her position until she stood directly in front of Logan. “Tell me, Logan, and please be honest. Do you regret leaving Olivia and me?”
For the longest moment, he didn’t answer. When he finally did, his voice was low and full of emotion. “Every single day.”
“Then why . . . ?”
