Page 48 of The Butterfly
He shook his head, then kissed her cheek. “No, Livvie. Ye give me love in all the ways ye can. It’s enough for me.”
“It isn’t for me … not anymore. I want more, Niall. Ineedmore.”
He was so taken aback that he could do nothing but let her pull him along, her grip upon his hand strong and sure as she propelled him across the room toward her bed. It still did not dawn on him completely until she had climbed up onto the mattress, sitting back on her haunches and watching him expectantly.
His mind reeled as he grappled with the things she was saying, the offering she presented to him. He warred with himself, knowing she must be too fragile to even think of touching right now, and realizing it’d been so long since he had handled her in any way that wasn’t protective or caring. It had been so long since he’d even allowed himself to imagine that hecouldbe with her the way he used to … or perhaps even experience her in the one way he never had.
“Livvie, we cannae … what ye just went through—”
“Does not change the fact that we’ve wanted this for so long,” she interjected, moving closer so that she knelt just before him, her hands laid flat upon his chest. “These five years, I’ve been dead inside. I’ve missed so many wonderful things—moments of my daughter’s life, being there for my brother, and for you. I’ve missed all the love and passion we might have shared if I had been able to fight for it. I might not have been strong enough then, but I am now, Niall. I had a moment of weakness today, but you were here for me … you are always here for me.”
He nodded, reaching up to cup her face and trying not to look past the line of her collarbone. She’d always known how to tempt him, how to tip him over the edge of reason and into mindless desire. After the day he’d had, he was tired, weak. He did not think he had the strength to resist her.
“I always will be,” he assured her. “No matter what, Livvie.”
She smiled at him, and he felt as if the sun finally shone down upon him after an eternity of dark clouds. It was the biggest smile he’d seen from her in years, aside from her brief moment of happiness with the harp. It was the sign he had hoped for, prayed for. It was proof that she had, indeed, gotten stronger—enough to smile at him, even in the face of today’s dire events.
“Then be here now. Help me remember what it means to feel something good, pure, and beautiful. Even if it can only last a moment, I need to feel something that isn’t hurt, or sadness, or fear. When I think of what it is like to have someone inside me, I do not want to see his face. I want to see yours. I want to know what it is to have you in all the ways I never did, so that when the memory of him comes back to me, I have yours to dwell on instead … I’ll have you to remind me that this is how it should be, how it ought to have been all along.”
The mention of Bertram had him gritting his teeth and resisting the urge to tear every bit of the furniture in the room to shreds. It had haunted him for years, the thought of that animal taking something from her that had not been his to take, robbing her of the first experience she should have had. She had deserved so much more, and God, how he wanted to be the one to give it to her.
“Ye know I’d give ye anything, Livvie. But ye’ve only just started t’ get better. If I did somethin’ to hurt ye, or scare ye, or … I’d never forgive myself.”
She surged against him, wrapping one leg about this waist, then the other, forcing him to use an arm to anchor her, holding her up against him. She wrapped him in warmth and softness, her sweet scent wafting right up his nostrils and causing him to grow dizzy.
“You could never hurt me,” she whispered, nuzzling his ear and kissing the side of his neck, the touch of her lips weakening his knees, as well as his resolve. “And if I am afraid, it is because of my own mind. I need you to help me beat the fear. I need you to make it so I never have to be afraid again.”
He stood there holding her in his arms, swaying from the impact of so many warring thoughts at once. The honorable thing to do would be laying her abed and walking away, perhaps ensuring her that they could do this another time, when she was stronger. Resisting the urge to throw her down upon the bed and devour her whole, he tried to keep control of his body, of the desires he had neglected for so long.
“Have I changed so much, then?” she prodded when he remained silent, eyes squeezed shut, stomach roiling. “Don’t you want me anymore?”
His eyes flew open, and he met her gaze, wide and probing and perhaps even a bit anxious. He could see the hint of fear underlying her need, the bit of insecurity prompting her to begin untangling her body from his.
“If you don’t, I suppose I understand—”
Niall moved before he could think, dropping her back onto the bed and then climbing on so that he straddled her, his knees on either side of her hips. She gasped when he reached for one of her hands and yanked it to him, pressing it flat against the hard ridge of flesh growing and swelling with each passing second. He kept his gaze locked with hers as he curled her fingers around his erection, compelling her to feel the heat and hardness of him.
“Does it feel like I dinnae want ye anymore? Like I ever stopped?”
Her breath quickened through her parted lips, eyelids growing heavy as he surged his hips, pressing his cock more snugly into her palm.
“N-no,” she whispered. “It does not.”
“Ye don’t know how much a cad I felt, wantin’ ye even when ye were suffering.” He closed his eyes as he made his confession, certain he would find disgust in her gaze if he looked too closely. “Have ye any idea how many nights ye pulled me into yer bed for comfort, only for me to lie there and think about all the ways I wanted ye—on top of me, underneath me, fittin’ around me so tight?”
She was touching him of her own accord now, heat blossoming where her palm teased his cock through breeches, her fingers tightening to take him in a firm grip.
“But there is no reason for you to feel badly, Niall … not when I wanted it, too. In the moments when I could think clearly enough to want it, I did. I always did.”
Then, she was shifting beneath him, sitting up as much as his position over her allowed. Her warm breath seeped through the fabric as she placed her lips against his fall, nuzzling and kissing him with unfettered abandon. As she pressed her mouth to the head of him, over and over, her gaze came up to meet his and held. He could find not a hint of true fear in the depths—not ofhim. Fear of the unknown, perhaps, of facing this milestone and not knowing if she would come out of it unscathed.
She would. If it killed him, Niall would make sure she did.
Reaching out to cup the back of her head, he gently took hold of her hair, giving it a tug to tip her head back and make her maintain his stare. She trembled again, but made no move to stop him, or push him away.
“Tell me you want this … tell me you can handle it. Dinnae lie to me, Livvie.”
She shocked him by hesitating for a moment, even though she had been the one to convince him that this must be done. He held her by the hair and waited, preparing to remove himself from her if she said no, while simultaneously telling himself just how careful he must be if she said yes.
