Page 23 of Tempting the Bluestocking
While she seemed to have heard him, her gaze had begun to wander, taking in the place that represented the livelihood of his family.
“So, this is where you spend your days,” she murmured. “You’ve been working so hard. I hope things have begun to turn around for Norton & Rivers.”
Leaning against the desk, he crossed his arms over his chest. “So far so good. Three of our ships are now in tiptop shape and ready for cargo. I managed to gain back a lost client and have met with a few prospective new ones. Repairs on the rest of the vessels is getting on well and I have three full crews ready to sail.”
That ready smile lit up her face once more and she clasped her hands against her chest. “I am happy for you. And I want to help you continue to make progress. That is why I’ve come. My news…you see, I’ve just left from meeting with Mr. Sterling on the matter of our contract.”
Edward stiffened, his breath catching and holding as her words began to sink in. He felt torn in opposite directions, part of him hoping to hear the news he’d craved a week ago, the other part recoiling because he’d already decided this should not happen.
“I see,” he managed, uncertain of what else to say.
She nodded, coming closer until they were nearly touching. He kept his arms crossed, needing some sort of barrier against her, or else he’d take her in his arms, kiss her senseless and beg her to love him.
“Yes,” she replied. “I’ve enjoyed our time together so much I couldn’t bear for it to end at the end of the month. So, I went to Mr. Sterling myself and asked him to draw up a new contract…one which doesn’t have to end unless we want it to. That way, we can continue as we have been, and you needn’t worry about where your income will come from while you work to get the line restored to its former glory.”
He clenched his jaw, his stomach churning and quivering as he realized what she was saying. She wanted him, for far longer than a few months if he understood her correctly. But, she hadn’t done this because she wantedhim. She’d done it out of some sense of charity to keep him from living hand to mouth again. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, and an itchy tightness that seized him from head to toe. There was nothing deeper to it, for surely a woman who was falling in love would require an end to this unorthodox arrangement and be open to courtship?
“Well, wasn’t that noble of you,” he ground out, shaking with the will it took to stay composed. “But I can assure you that I need no such largess. You see, I’ve already decided to ask Benedict to find a new keeper for me.”
Her mouth fell open and one hand came to her belly as if he’d struck her there. The urge to beg her forgiveness came over him hard and fast, but he pushed it away, determined to get out of this with his dignity intact. She had already made him love her and want her in a way he’d never wanted anyone or anything else. Now, he would stand here and endure the truth without letting on how much it hurt.
“Y-you want someone else?” she stammered, confusion and hurt melting away her previously joyous expression. “But I thought—”
“That I’d want to have a keeper who only endures my presence in her bed out of a sense of pity?” he interjected. “I might be a courtesan, but I do have some dignity. If I’m going to service anyone, it’ll be someone who actually wantsme. So, thank you for your generous offer but I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.”
Her shock gave way to anger, her face flushing and her eyes flashing like strikes of lightning. “Is that what you think? That I’ve only decided to do this because I feel sorry for you?”
He shrugged, tearing his gaze away from her and staring across the room. “It’s what you just said, isn’t it? I suppose I cannot blame you. After all, my story is quite the pitiful one and I assume it made you feel responsible for me in a way. But, as I said, your pity is neither wanted nor needed.”
Hands balled up at her sides, she glared at him, nostrils flaring as she became visibly overwhelmed with emotion. “You bloody idiot. You really have no idea, do you? God, you men are so daft! You wouldn’t know the truth if it were spelled out for you using language a child could understand!”
Stunned, he dropped his arms and studied her closely. Her eyes had begun to glisten as if with tears and she shook with anger. He realized his error too late, and a hard knot of regret had lodged itself in his throat.
“Clare,” he whispered. “I thought…you never told me…”
“I didn’t think I had to,” she spat with a swift shake of her head. “I would have thought it was as clear to you as it is to me, but I can see you are as dense as the rocks sitting in a box in my study. Iloveyou, you fool! And I thought that perhaps you might eventually come to love me. But we needed more time, and I thought…I hoped that if we had that time things would become clearer, and someday we might become more than courtesan and keeper.”
The knot in this throat dropped down into his stomach, making him sick with the epiphany that he’d been entirely wrong. She was right; he was dense. He had seen the truth for himself, that night before the fire. But he’d convinced himself he’d been mistaken, and now that assumption would cost him dearly.
He reached out to take hold of her arm, trying to pull her into his embrace. “CeCe, wait. I’m sorry, I was mistaken—”
She jerked away from him with a sharp intake of breath, backing away from him as if she’d been burned. “And just what is so wrong with me wanting to help you with my money? My parents left it to me to do as I want, and it would have pleased me to help you. Are you so prideful that you would shun what I could offer you because you are a man and I am a woman? I thought you better than that, Edward, but clearly I am the one who is mistaken. It would be of no consequence if you were to marry me and take my inheritance as a dowry, would it? But, I offer to give you a piece of it because I love you—though God knows you don’t deserve it—and you throw my offering back in my face!”
Edward made one last desperate attempt to touch her, to hold her and tell her he loved her until she grew sick of hearing it. But, she’d already turned for the door, leaving him behind with long, sure strides. He wanted to tell her he would marry her and damn the money, damn the contract, damn all of it. But as she turned in the doorway to look back at him, he saw that she’d pulled herself together. She now looked as if she were made of stone, her face implacable and her shoulders squared.
“Thank you for all the things you taught me,” she said, her voice low and strained. “I hope you’ll have a care with your next keeper. It isn’t good business for you to go about stealing hearts and then breaking them.”
“Clare…”
She was gone before he could get another word out, the door slamming behind her and rattling the walls. Edward fell against his desk with a swift sigh, the air knocked from him. His head spun with all that had changed in what felt like the blink of an eye. He had gone from despairing that Clare could never love him, to realizing shedidlove him but now he’d ruined everything.
“God damn it,” he muttered, running a hand over his face.
He’d ruined his chances with Clare. What might have been a certainty had he kept his mouth shut had now been put out of his reach.
Clare stormedpast her aunt as she entered the townhouse, her clothing damp from the thick fog descending over London like a dreary gray blanket. She supposed it was fitting to her mood, which had plummeted with a swiftness that left her reeling. It was a far cry from the hope she had felt after leaving the secret offices of the Gentleman Courtesans hidden away in the back of a modiste’s shop. She hadn’t been certain whether her plan would have the desired result, but she’d been willing to take that chance.
It had not taken her long to realize that she’d held back from making a decision concerning Edward out of fear. She had opened herself to passion and gained so much more in the process. Intimacy, companionship,love.She’d found it difficult to believe that Edward felt nothing for her, and had clung to the hope that more time would only strengthen the bond that had formed between them in a few short weeks. It had all seemed so simple to her. They needed more time for their connection to grow stronger, and Edward needed money. A longer arrangement had seemed like the perfect solution.
