Page 38 of Taming of the Rake
David wanted to offer some form of solace, but found himself at a loss. There was nothing he could say to erase what Regina had endured. Any words he spoke now would be hollow and without real meaning. The impotence of it left him feeling as if a heavy weight had dropped into his chest. It bothered him to see her standing in the remnants of destroyed dreams and have no notion of how to fix it.
“What of you?” she asked suddenly, meeting his gaze again. “I hope you don’t mind me asking such a personal question, I just—”
“What’s a simple question between us after what we just did?” he interjected.
“The hard times you mentioned … I assume they are the reason you became a courtesan. Or, is it a matter of actually enjoying the profession?”
David urged her to resume her position lying against him. “I will not pretend not to enjoy it immensely. But, yes, the condition of the estate and the mismanagement of my father’s steward are the main reason for my decision. I’ve spent the past three years sending money home to my family, thinking it was being put to good use. Unfortunately, the steward was a thief, and most of it has been lost. I may as well have dumped it all into a privy.”
“That’s despicable,” she exclaimed, her sprite-like features hardening with fury. “You must have been so distraught.”
“That would be putting it mildly. There was nothing for me to do but work to set it all right. It will take time, but the responsibility is mine, and not just for the sake of my own future. I have my sisters to consider, as well. They are both twenty-one years old—identical twins, by the way—and unwed. They will make a better match with dowries I cannot yet afford. But I will. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to see them happily settled.”
She reached up to push a heavy lock of hair back from his brow. “Including making a baby with a virtual stranger?”
He huffed a laugh and took hold of her hand to kiss her fingertips. “You aren’t a stranger anymore. I know plenty enough about you by now. I know how you smell and how you taste. I know that your face flushes about five different shades of red depending upon whether you are angry, embarrassed, or aroused. I know you have a tiny little beauty spot in a place even you wouldn’t be able to see without a mirror.”
She sucked in a sharp breath and followed David’s gaze downward, before her eyes snapped back up to meet his. “You cannot be serious.”
He grinned. “Oh, but I am. Remind me to bring a hand mirror to bed next time so I can show it to you. Of course, after that I won’t be able to resist putting my tongue there and … I have quite forgotten what we were discussing.”
“The fact that you are attempting to get a not-so-virtual stranger pregnant,” she said with a giggle.
“Ah, yes. If you must know, it wasn’t only the money that drove me to my decision. Honestly, I was set on refusing you, but then …”
“Then?” she prodded, as he kissed her palm and then the inside of her wrist. The skin there was so translucent he could make out the tiny blue veins supplying her pulse.
“I saw how desperately you wanted a child. Even before knowing what you had been through, I saw your pain and your loneliness. You made me want this for you, almost as badly as you seem to want it for yourself. Yes, I need the money you are paying me, and the bonus I stand to gain once you are with child is an added incentive. But I can honestly admit to being disturbed by the version of you I met on that first day. If becoming a mother will change that, how could I have refused?”
“I am glad it was you Mr. Lyons sent and not someone else. I don’t think I could have endured the attentions of anyone different. I appreciate what you have done for me, even when I have already demanded so much.”
“You already know how I will reply to that, my dear,” he replied with a grin.
She returned his smile, and the weight in his chest eased the slightest bit. This. This was how he could attempt to soothe what had been broken—by making her smile as much as he could. By making her feel worthy and beautiful and desired. How could any man do less with a woman like Regina in his care? It confounded understanding to know that Randolph Hurst had such a chance and chose instead to inflict pain and heartache.
“It is no more than I deserve,” she recited.
“Precisely. Don’t ever forget that.”
“May I ask you another question?”
“Of course.”
“Why haven’t you married?”
Alarm prickled his skin as it always did whenever someone mentioned marriage. He wasn’t necessarily opposed to the idea, but neither was he in a hurry to settle down and begin begetting heirs. The irony that the purpose of his presence in her bed was conception of a child was not lost on him, but these weren’t ordinary circumstances. He would not technically become a father to Regina’s babe.
“I’m sorry,” she blurted when he didn’t promptly respond. “I should not have asked.”
“No, it’s all right. I just … the answer is complicated. Just now, I cannot think of marrying until I have the means to support a wife. I can barely keep myself and my family clothed and fed, let alone someone else.”
“You could marry for money. I find it difficult to believe London isn’t overrun with heiresses who would be happy to part with their fortunes to be able to call you their husband.”
He wrinkled his nose in distaste. “I suppose the need of a fortune might be enough to tempt me to the altar. Don’t think I have not considered it.”
“And if money was not something to be considered? What then?”
“That was true when I was younger, and I still avoided the matrimonial trap. I think, for a long time I avoided marriage because I knew I wasn’t ready to devote myself to one woman. It is hardly fair to expect someone to give herself to me, to be faithful, if I knew I could not do the same.”
