Page 16 of What a Courtesan Wants
As he shrugged into his waistcoat, a hollow sensation opened in the pit of her gut. On the basis of their arrangement and the boundaries she herself had set, she could find no fault with Aubrey. He was experienced and skilled, and she’d spent twice tonight while pressed under his body and filled with his cock. He seemed to instinctively know she liked her wrists constricted and her arms pulled taut over her head, and had no trouble finding the places along her neck and shoulders that made her back arch and her pulse race, teasing them with his lips and tongue and teeth.
In truth, there was nothing particularlywrongwith the things he did or her reaction to him. A few days ago, she might have even said what he was giving her was exactly what she wanted. But, just now Lucinda couldn’t help a twinge of longing for … something. She couldn’t quite name it, nor was she certain she wanted to.
Annoyance pricked her as she realized what a contradictory creature she was becoming. Here, she had set the rules of their arrangement with such certainty, but now found herself wishing the man would give her more than she’d asked for. Did she expect for him to read her mind, and see that she wanted more,yearnedfor more?
No, she didn’t want that. Magnus had been very adept at picking up on what she needed without her having to say it—sometimes even when Lucinda didn’t realize herself what she needed. But, she didn’t want that with a stranger, the sort of openness and intimacy that such a bond resulted in. It had to be enough for him to engage her body, and thus far he was doing so with a skill she could find no fault in.
Why then, did her heart sink when he departed for the evening with a cursory kiss on the brow and a murmured, ‘good night?’ Why did she frown as he left without a look back, giving no indication that he cared whether she actually had a good night? Why did she want to call out to him and ask him to come back and stay until morning? Lucinda went to sleep that night feeling alone in the large tester bed, missing the feel of a warm, solid male body beside her. And as she tossed and turned, it distressed her to long for a specific male body—a body that did not belong to Magnus.
“This is ridiculous,” she muttered when dawn came with her only having slept in fits.
She barely knew Aubrey and did notwantto. Yet, she couldn’t deny this pressing curiosity and need. Only a handful of nights together, and she was contemplating going against her self-imposed limits?
If she felt this way now, Lucinda didn’t want to think of what it would be like in a month to watch him climb from on top of her and exit her bedroom without a ‘by your leave.’ Wanting anything more than a hard prick to pleasure her was something Lucinda hadn’t bargained for, but she supposed it was her own fault. She’d felt that visceral pull toward Aubrey the first time they’d met, and had thought herself capable of ignoring it. She had thought if she kept their interactions limited to erotic ones, she would be safe from the other desires that overwhelmed her when she saw him—the longing to kiss him, rest her head against his chest, to feel the long, masculine body curled beside her in sleep. And if she asked him for those things, what would that lead to? How much of it could she allow without losing her head and her heart in the process? And if she did those things, how much of the part of her that belonged only to Magnus would continue to exist?
These questions led her to a decision. Lucinda had a moment of doubt, in which she supposed Aubrey might be disappointed by what he’d surely see as a rejection. But then, she reminded herself that such must be par for the course for a man in his line of work. The Gentleman Courtesans had been in business for a few years now, during which time Aubrey must have serviced any number of women. A man of his reputation would have no trouble finding a new arrangement.
That decided, determination propelled her through her morning toilette and a carriage ride to Madame Hershaw’s. Mr. Sterling seemed surprised to see her so early in the morning, but politely ushered her into his office.
“What can I do for you, Lady Bowery?” he asked. “How are you and Aubrey getting on?”
“That is actually what I’ve come to discuss with you,” she replied.
Nerves made her voice quaver and her belly roil. She had no idea how Mr. Sterling would react to her request, nor whether such a thing might be usual in this business.
“Oh?” he prodded, giving her a curious look.
She cleared her throat and forced herself to carry on. This was strictly business, and Mr. Sterling would surely understand.
“Yes. You see … it isn’t any particular fault of Mr. Drake’s. You should know that. It’s me … I … I find that I want a new arrangement. With another courtesan.”
The last line she spat out in a rush before she could lose her nerve, then cringed at the look of utter shock that crossed Mr. Sterling’s face. He quickly schooled his features. Shuffling the documents on his desk, he seemed to think for a moment before speaking.
“I see. This is an unusual request, though it isn’t the first of this nature I’ve received.”
That brought her a small measure of relief, and her shoulders lost a bit of the tension making her sit as straight as a plank of wood in the armchair.
“As I said, it isn’t Mr. Drake’s fault. I simply find that I’m in need of something a bit different. Someone with a bit less … intensity about him. I do apologize for the inconvenience—”
“It is no inconvenience. Our aim is to keep our clients happy, and if Mr. Drake isn’t a good fit, then that’s a problem easily remedied. The contract clause gives you the right to terminate should you find yourself dissatisfied with the arrangement.”
“Again, it isn’t that I’m completely dissatisfied …”
She pinched her lips and lowered her gaze, certain she must sound like a fool. Any moment now, Mr. Sterling would ask her why she was doing this if she wasn’t dissatisfied with Aubrey. How could she explain that she saw in her current lover the potential to break down all her defenses—something she absolutely could not allow to happen? What she needed was someone pleasant to have in the moment, but wholly forgettable in the interim.
Thankfully, Mr. Sterling didn’t pry, simply pulling a fresh sheet of printed contracts loose from his collection of documents.
“I have only one courtesan available right now, but he should meet your needs. There isn’t an ounce of intensity to David. He’s one of our most popular courtesans, so it’s fortunate you’ve managed to catch him between keepers. Of course, he isn’t a trained dominant like Aubrey—”
“That’s all right. I’ve come to see such a man won’t do for the moment.”
It had been so long since Magnus that she’d forgotten how visceral such encounters could be. The trust extended to the master, the need for closeness afterward and the rawness of her emotions in the following hours … all of it had proven to be too much.
“Excellent. When would you like to meet him?”
That gave her pause for a moment. Had she really grown so hardened that she would invite a new man into her bed with the sheets still warm from Aubrey’s presence?
Of course, Aubrey hadn’t actually occupied them, so much as he’d made use of them for an hour before leaving her to sleep alone. As she’d requested.
