Page 23 of What a Courtesan Wants
His gaze dropped to her shaking hands again, and he noticed for the first time that she still wore a wedding band, the gold giving off a subtle gleam in the light. He’d been kept by a married woman before and hadn’t bothered to worry over the ring she wore or the cold, detached husband who had pushed his wife into seeking her pleasure elsewhere. However, the sight of Lucinda’s ring gave him pause and settled an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. Her husband had been dead for two years, yet she still felt herself tied to him.
As if she’d read his thoughts, she twisted the band with the fingers of her right hand and pressed on. “The earl was my husband, but he was also the only man I had ever … that is, until you there has never been …”
“You’d never taken another man into your bed,” he supplied.
“That’s right. Our marriage was a love match, and I must admit to being quite lost without him.”
Sympathy broke through his cold disappointment, and he found himself softening toward her as he had in the moments following their beddings. He experienced the surprising urge to pull her into his lap and cradle her, allow her to burrow her face deep into his chest and never come out if she didn’t wish to. But then, it struck him that Lucinda would likely never want such a thing—a sobering reminder of why he’d do well to keep any such tender notions to himself.
“That is completely understandable,” he offered, for lack of anything better to say.
Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them back, her face flushing with the effort to keep from crying. “My family and the few friends I have seem to have fallen away—except for Millie, of course. I think they have no notion of the depth of my grief, nor do they know how to live with it. I make them uncomfortable with my mourning attire, and the obvious fact that I have yet to truly move forward with my life. It isn’t for them that I hired you, Aubrey, it was for me. I wanted to feel alive again in any way I could, and physical matters seemed the easiest to begin with. What I didn’t count on was for it all to be so complicated.”
Aubrey inclined his head, slightly puzzled by this. “The terms of our arrangement were established by you. I adhered to them. It felt simple enough to me.”
Lucinda finally met his gaze, her eyes filled with something like fear mingled with uncertainty. “I thought the same, but it became clear to me that by imposing those limits I complicated matters, and then I could not fathom what to do other than sever our ties. I thought it would be enough for you to come thrice a week, pleasure me, and leave. But there is something about you that simply will not allow for that. Even when you abided by my rules, I could feel my boundaries wavering. And it wasn’t as easy as you may think for me to fight it. That frightened me most of all, because not only was Magnus the only man I ever gave my body to, he was the only person I ever gave my entire self to. He is the one who taught me the pleasure in submission, the way it feels to give yourself completely to another person and have them expose the truest part of you. I did not know how I ought to feel wanting that from someone else.”
Aubrey studied her face and saw the truth of her mixed emotions, as well as her guilt. The stone walls he’d built around himself to block out the sting of rejection began to crumble against his will. He could see now that he’d been wrong to think her like the other women who had taken delight in purchasing him for the sake of an exotic thrill and then discarding him. She hadn’t rejected him so much as the idea of betraying her husband’s memory.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, truly meaning it. “I accused you of using me, because it’s what so many before you have done. You have to understand, since I became a courtesan I’ve not experienced the sort of comfortable, long-term arrangements as the other men. I’ve been passed from woman to woman, and it has begun to grow tiresome. I’m afraid I took much of my frustration and resentment out on you.”
Lucinda shifted until she perched on the edge of her seat, reaching out to place a hand on his knee. The touch sent a shiver up his thigh and a tingle of awareness suffusing through his groin. He held her gaze, very much aware of that soft, warm hand.
“What else could you have thought when I ended our arrangement after only a few nights together? If nothing else, I ought to have come to you myself instead of going to Mr. Sterling. I should have explained myself to you then as I am trying to do now.”
Aubrey shifted his hand, his little finger gently brushing along the edge of hers. She stiffened, her eyes filling with molten heat as she returned the caress.
“Aubrey … oh, I mean … Mr. Drake—”
“Stop. I was angry, and I’m sorry. I prefer for you to call me Aubrey.”
“Aubrey … the times we were together … they were good. Better than I had imagined they would be. I could hardly think in the days that followed without my mind filling with the memories.”
His lips curved into a smile at the reminder of how powerful their coupling was, and the notion of how much better it could have been had Lucinda truly submitted and surrendered control. Even now, she was responding to him, the subtle shift in her breathing and the flush of her cheeks reminding him of how easily they’d taken to one another. Would they really throw that away over a misunderstanding that had now been cleared up?
“Weweregood together,” he murmured, still stroking along her knuckles and the back of her hand. His thumb skimmed the warm metal around her third finger, and he glanced at it before meeting her gaze again. “What you had with your husband is yours, Lucinda. It cannot be taken away from you, and I would never wish to. But you hired me for a reason, and I think that reason goes beyond simply needing physical relief. If that was all you needed, you could have been perfectly content with David.”
She winced. “I’m sorry. I feel awful for wasting his time, but it would never have worked. I knew that within moments of his arrival. I … I am glad I did not go through with it. It felt wrong from the start.”
It had felt right with him. She didn’t need to say the words aloud when Aubrey could see the thought radiating from her eyes.
“You’ve established your boundaries, and I’d never purposely trample them,” he offered. “But if you’d let me, I could be a friend of sorts to you. You certainly seem to be in need of one.”
Aubrey couldn’t believe what he was saying or doing as he continued stroking her fingers, circling his touch over the inside of her wrist and basking in the pounding of her pulse. His anger had melted away, but the wariness he ought to feel knowing how quickly she could shift from pliant and open to shuttered and withdrawn was notably absent. He was once again ruled by his irrational desire for her, that elusive thing which had him leaning in when he ought to withdraw.
To his relief, she gave him a shy smile, demurely lowering her eyes.
“I think … I would like that. If you would be willing to forgive me and have me as a keeper again, I would very much like to pick up where we left off.”
The desire he’d kept at bay since the moment she’d walked through the shop doors flared hot within him, tensing his entire body and stiffening one part of him in particular. Still, he remained aware of the limitations she had imposed—both spoken and unspoken.
Yet again, she seemed to discern the direction of his thoughts, because she chose that moment to come off the settee. Bracing both hands on his thighs, she slowly lowered herself to the floor between his spread legs. Wide, guileless eyes peered up at him, open and unguarded.
“I cannot promise that full submission will always come easy.”
He reached out to cup her chin. “That is to be expected in the beginning. With trust and time, the rest will come.”
“I do trust you. You’ve made that easy enough. I … I will do my best to surrender control. You can … you can even kiss me if you like.”
