Page 37 of Chasing Benedict
Ben leaned against a bedpost and gave him a knowing look. “As comfortable as one can be in the home his former lover shared with his wife.”
Alex issued a weary sigh, in no mood to verbally spar with Ben right now. “You never seem to have trouble making space for yourself anywhere. I’m sure you’ll do so here, as well. I’ll return soon.”
Without waiting for a response, Alex fled the room, his steps hurried as he made for the stairs. His heart was in his throat as he made his way to the third floor, a bitter taste flooding his mouth at the lie he’d just told Ben. However, if his memories of Katherine were precious, then this final secret was even more so. Ben didn’t trust him enough to forgive him yet, and Alex could well understand that. As much as he loved Ben, Alex wasn’t certain he could trust him to accept what he was keeping hidden on this floor of the house—albeit temporarily.
He breathed a bit easier as he trotted down a corridor with windows on one side overlooking the back lawn. Alex didn’t relish having to divide his time between the two loves of his life, but it was a necessary precaution for the time being.
He knocked before entering, not wanting to intrude on the nurse if she was busy with a feeding. A soft voice bade him enter, and Alex stepped into the nursery. Cheery tones of canary yellow and soft pink enveloped him, and the gurgles and coos of the babe seated in the nurse’s lap brought a smile to his face.
“Welcome home, my lord,” said Rosalind, the nurse who had been caring for the babe since the day of her birth. “This one must have sensed you were near. She’s in a wonderful mood, just cooing and singing her little heart out.”
Alex accepted the muslin and lace bundle of his daughter from the nurse, who stood back and looked on with tender fondness. “Thank you, Rosalind. I’d like some time alone with her. I’ll put her down for her nap.”
“Of course, my lord. Ring if you need me.”
The nurse was gone after a hasty cursy, leaving Alex to take up her abandoned place in the chair. Settling the six-month-old girl on his knee, Alex took stock of what he and Katherine had created—not out of love, but out of a need to at least attempt to fulfill their duties as an earl and a countess.
Alex had pushed aside all desires for fatherhood ages ago. A man needed to bed a woman to create a child, and Alex had never experienced the desire to do so. Even his forced marriage to Katherine hadn’t changed his mind right off. It was Katherine who had convinced him to try.
“You need an heir,” she had said to him over dinner one evening. “And I want … Oh, Alex, I want to be a mother like I’ve never wanted anything in my life. I know you are not … fond of me in that way, but … could we try? Just until I conceive?”
Alex had been helpless to refuse her. Katherine had sacrificed just as much as Alex in their union. She would never know the true love of a husband, never experience real and deep passion. Her husband was incapable of giving her any of it. But, he wasn’t incapable of siring a child.
So, after two years of celibacy, he had gone to Katherine’s bed and done his best to impregnate her, if not please her. It had been difficult for them both, with Katherine feeling guilty for coercing Alex into such an agreement, and Alex hating himself for being unable to throw himself wholeheartedly into the endeavor. Their only hope for putting an end to it and entering the next phase of their lives was to conceive. After a few months of trying and doing their best not to speak of what went on in her bedchamber each night, their efforts had paid off.
Nine months later, Lady Isabella Harriette Osborne was born—bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked, with a fine fuzz of blonde down matching her mother’s locks. Katherine had worried that Alex would be disappointed in her for birthing a girl, but Alex had never fallen so rapidly in love. One look at his daughter, and he decided that all the nights of trying to conceive had been worth it.
“She’s perfect,” he told Katherine while holding Isabella for the first time. “I don’t need an heir. I just want her.”
Katherine smiled up at him from her bed, dressed in a clean nightgown but still glistening with sweat. She had then promptly fallen asleep. She awakened only twice after that, so weak from childbirth that she couldn’t even hold the babe to her breast without assistance.
She had lost too much blood, the doctor informed Alex as he stood over the body of his dead wife, stunned beyond reason. Something had gone wrong … there was nothing anyone could have done … her soul was in the care of God now.
None of it offered him solace. He had wanted to give Katherine her heart’s desire, because there was so much he could never offer. In the process, he’d sent her to her grave.
Isabella sputtered and murmured unintelligibly while pulling at one of his waistcoat buttons, her tiny chin slick with drool. Alex smiled at her, finding it impossible to remain morose with his daughter being so adorably charming.
“How I missed you, little Ella,” he said, reaching out to smooth a golden cowlick over her brow. It sprung right back up, making Alex chuckle. “I’ve brought someone here to meet you, but I don’t think he’s ready just yet. Soon, I hope. You’ll love him, Ella. You’ll love him as much as I do.”
Isabella went on fumbling at his buttons, one fist in her mouth as she sucked and chewed. A new tooth would soon make an appearance, a mate for the one that had come in just before he’d left for London.
“Am I foolish for needing you both?” he asked Isabella, who had discovered his watch chain and busied herself trying to find what it led to inside his fob pocket. “I am a fool, aren’t I, Ella?”
His daughter simply grunted, chubby fingers rooting at the edge of his waistcoat pocket, brow furrowed in concentration. Alex sighed and pulled the watch free, offering it to her. Isabella grinned before fitting the watch into her mouth and gnawing at it with swollen gums.
Perhaps hewasa fool to think he could win Ben back and hope he would accept that Isabella came along in the bargain. Knowing how furious he was with Alex for marrying Katherine, Ben was sure to be thoroughly disgusted by a child created of that marriage. He would have a difficult enough time explaining how Isabella had come to be, and that was only the beginning. There were still other secrets to be revealed, and Alex hardly knew where to begin now that Ben was here.
CHAPTER 8
“The Hon. Mr. L has been seen more frequently about Town of late. This author is proud of him for holding his head high after being jilted at the altar by that half-caste termagant, now known as Lady B. Perhaps the gentleman will try again to secure a bride.”
-The London Gossip, 30 January 1820
When Alex returned to his bedchamber, he found Ben lounging on his bed, half-dressed with his hair still glistening from a wash. The sweet euphoria of time spent with his daughter was overwhelmed by a different sensation, one that stole the breath from his lungs. Ben wore only trousers and a shirt, which he’d left open to reveal the wide swath of his chest and that alluring mat of thick, curling blond hair. His feet were bare, and his sleeves rolled back as he lounged in casual repose, an open book laid before him.
Alex’s legs were unsteady as he approached, nerves and excitement getting the best of him at once. He wanted Ben with the intensity of years of starvation and longing, but knew he walked a perilous line here. They were in danger of becoming so caught up in physical pleasures that the weight of reality was forgotten.
Clearing his throat, Alex glanced to the washroom, deciding he could at least bathe before trying to pull Ben into conversation. While soaking, perhaps he could settle on the first of many subjects to be broached between them.
