Page 55 of Chasing Benedict
“Understood,” Alex replied as Ben muttered curses under his breath.
A fireplace poker was placed in his hands, and the footmen followed Fisher from the room, closing the door behind them. Alex pulled at his cravat, the prickling heat of the room making his clothes feel too stifling.
Pulling up a chair, he sat near Ben. “Why do you allow him to put you through this?”
“Fisher’s the best boxing master in England,” Ben replied, his words coming out on rushed, stifled breaths. “I moan and complain, but the treatments work and his training put me in the best shape of my life.”
“Fighting shape,” Alex murmured.
“Of course. What else?”
Alex ran a hand over his damp brow. “Ben—”
“Don’t ask me how much longer I plan to do this,” Ben interjected. “I don’t know, and I can’t think of it now. I just … I need to fight. Do you understand?”
“No,” Alex admitted. “I don’t. You walk about with bruises and a split lip. If your face isn’t destroyed first, your body will succumb to the abuse. Doesn’t it hurt? Don’t you want some relief from the pain?”
“Pain is all I know,” Ben snapped, avoiding Alex’s gaze. “It makes me feel alive. It’s either pain, or returning to a state of numbness, and that numbness is what drove me to try to blow my own brains out. I need something, Alex, and you may not understand it, but it’s all I have.”
Alex reached down and touched what he assumed was Ben’s shoulder through the blankets. “It doesn’t have to be all you have.”
Ben turned his head away. “Don’t do this now. Not while I’m … like this. We should speak of something else.”
Alex’s teeth clenched and he drew his hand away. “Why?”
Ben looked at him again, his brow furrowed. “Because there are other things I must see too first. I cannot allow you to distract me from what has to be done.”
“You mean the London Gossip? That’s what you and Aubrey and that Lyons fellow needed to discuss, isn’t it?”
“Alex, leave it. This is my mess to clean up, and I don’t want you involved.”
“Is it because you want to protect me, or because you didn’t want me to know that you and Cynthia Milbank were once betrothed?”
Ben jolted as if he’d been stabbed, staring up at Alex in stunned horror. “Goddamn Nick, I’m going to kill him.”
“Don’t blame Nick. I had my suspicions, so he couldn’t put me off. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because there’s more to it than even Nick knows! I was going to tell you everything when we had the chance to talk, but there never seemed to be a good time.”
“Neither of us is going anywhere just now,” Alex argued.
Ben pinched his lips and stared at the ceiling. He seemed determined not to give in, but Alex stared at him, willing him to speak.
Finally, Ben let out a heavy breath. “It was after you married Katherine. My father was determined that I marry since I am now his heir. I knew he’d discovered your letters, but he never let on that he knew they’d come from you. It was enough that he had uncovered my predilections, and he made it his mission to clear me of my ‘unnatural proclivities.’”
“Was this before or after the mad-doctor?”
“Before. The mad-doctor was my punishment for ending the engagement. If I couldn’t be coerced to put aside my desires to marry, then my father was determined to exorcise them by any means necessary.”
Ben had begun to pant, the blankets undulating as he struggled for breath. Alex went to his knees beside him.
“Ben? Are you all right?”
“Get them off,” Ben managed, beginning to panic as the flush in his cheeks deepened. “I can’t … can’t breathe. Get them off!”
Fisher’s orders be damned, Alex wouldn’t sit here and watch Ben suffer. He began tearing the heavy blankets from on top of Ben. Ben struggled to get free, helping Alex push the blankets away before sitting upright, running both hands through his damp hair. Alex stood and pried open a window, the chill of the outside air easing some of the heat.
When Alex went back to Ben, he had drawn his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead atop them. He jerked away when Alex touched him, his head coming up to reveal wide, startled eyes.
