Page 67 of Don't Remind Me
I’d felt like the bad guy for so long, the heartless monster who’d broken up with the perfect guy for no good reason, who couldn’t even put the why into words. How good a reason could it have been if it was that obscure?
Maybe that was why I’d kept the necklace for so long. Not because I was hanging on to Alec but because getting rid of it would feel like equating our relationship to trash or signifying that what we’d shared had meant nothing to me. Like it might hurt him in some way, and I didn’t want to do that again after he’d done nothing wrong to deserve being dumped in the first place.
But none of that was true. I could get rid of an item from my past without minimizing the importance of that time for me. I could say goodbye to Alec and still be grateful for everything we’d shared.
Above all, getting rid of this necklace didn’t hurt Alec. Whether I held on to it or not had no effect on him. My guilt didn’t impact his happiness. He’d moved on. And here I was, hanging on to things that kept me from doing the same because, why? I was afraid letting them go would somehow add to his pain or hurt him again? I didn’t have that kind of power over him. Not anymore.
The only person I hurt by not letting go of the past was me. Maybe that had even been the point, some demented part of my subconscious punishing me for hurting a good guy, for letting him go for reasons I didn’t believe were “good enough.” Like maybe I didn’t deserve love again after throwing it away so carelessly before.
No more.
It was time I stopped punishing myself.
Better yet, it was time I forgave myself altogether.
Maybe it had been a mistake to end things with Alec, although more and more, I was starting to think Jase was right about that not being true. I’d made the best decision I could for myself at the time, and as much as those dreams about Alec had haunted me, I didn’t regret where my life had ended up. It wasn’t always simple or picture-perfect, but it was one I had built for myself, one I no longer felt the need to constantly measure against someone else’s standards.
That was worth just as much as any relationship. Maybe more.
I traced over the necklace with one final touch, appreciating it for the gift it was before closing the box. Then I put it in the pile with the rest of my giveaways and headed for the shower.
I’d just removedthe lasagna from Jase’s oven when the door to his apartment swung open. I jumped so hard the casserole dish nearly slipped through my oven mitts. Jase froze in the entryway, his keys dangling from his hand.
“Oh, hey.” I slid the hot dish onto the stovetop. “I didn’t think you’d be back this early.”
His eyes tracked my movements as I took off the oven mitts and dropped them onto the counter, his gaze flicking briefly to the dirty pots on the stove and the dishes in the sink before returning to me. “What are you doing?”
I couldn’t tell if he was angry. He seemed oddly blank, almost shell-shocked, like he wasn’t all here, and it occurred to me that his being home so early might have something to do with why.
“I figured you’d be tired when you got home, and I wanted you to have something to eat.” I glanced at the lasagna still bubbling in the dish, a few dark patches scattered around the edges that would crisp up as it cooled.
He followed my gaze. “You cooked for me?”
I trailed my fingers through my ponytail, suddenly self-conscious. “It’s not five courses or anything, but I got the recipe from Sal, so it should be okay.”
Assuming I’d followed the recipe correctly. Jase seemed to like the lasagna well enough when we’d eaten at Josie’s, and I figured comfort food was a good call after a family event.
“And sorry about the kitchen being a mess,” I continued when he didn’t say anything. “I’d planned to have it cleaned up and to be gone before you got home, but if you give me like ten minutes, I can get it done and be out of your hair?—”
He gripped the back of my neck and devoured my mouth with his kiss. I hadn’t even noticed him move. One second, he was across the room, frozen in what I’d been sure was horror at my clinginess, and the next, he was surrounding me, filling my lungs with the scent of him that my body seemed to need more than air.
His lips met mine with urgent presses, and I melted into it, letting him consume me as eagerly as I consumed, hungry for him in a way I’d never been for anyone.
He backed me into the island and pressed more fully against me, his hard bulge grinding into my belly. Goose bumps broke out along my body as his hands slipped beneath my tank top and unclasped my bra.
“I need you,” he breathed, skimming his mouth down to the sensitive skin below my ear and sucking. My legs threatened to give out.
I nodded enthusiastically, throat tight with arousal, and he wasted no time pulling my shirt over my head and tossing my bra aside like it should never have been there in the first place.
That was how I felt about his shirt, currently in the way of my hands that craved his skin. The material was stiff and somehow wrong across his shoulders, too constrictive and unyielding. I tore at the buttons, wanting it off, wanting him free of whatever else clung to him that didn’t belong.
There was more. I could see it in the pain of his gaze, taste it in the desperateness of his kiss.
Whatever it was, I’d take it from him. Let him pour it into me and find comfort in my body, take from me what he needed in kind.
His shirt gone, he worked down the zipper of my jean shorts and tugged them off as he sank to his knees, pressing kisses along my stomach. I braced myself on the island behind me, head falling back as his tongue teased my core over my panties. His hands slid under the elastic to squeeze my ass, pulling me to his mouth.
“Please,” I whimpered, breaths ragged. It was almost too much to watch him on his knees, cool blue eyes gazing up at me with something close to reverence as he eased my underwear down my thighs one agonizing inch at a time.
