Page 100 of Ours to Lose
“Evanwillbe happy for you,” I said, tone firm. I didn’t need to know what they’d said to each other to know it was true. “Because even if he hated you, he’d still want you to be happy. He knows how hard you’ve worked. How much you deserve this. And youdodeserve it. Just like you deserved to win High Hitter, and this tournament, and to have a gym of your own. You deserve a job doing what you love.”
His hand shot out for mine and squeezed tight.
I squeezed back, wanting to hang on to whatever piece of him I could. “And you can still rebuild your relationship with Evan from Colorado. He might even be more open to it that way. You can call and text. Go back to regular video calls. Show him you still want to be there for him even if you can’t behere.” My throat constricted on the last word.
“I’d be leaving you behind too,” he said softly. Too softly for me to identify the emotion in his voice.
Knowing him, he hated being the one to call things off. Hated having to say no to me when he’d tried so hard to always say yes. From the start, he’d wanted to go by my terms, and he would have wanted to end on them too. But it was what it was.
I forced a shaky smile. “It’s not like it’s goodbye. We’ll still be friends.”
He squeezed my hand again. “That’s what you want?”
My heart was being shoved through a garlic press. I couldn’t speak for a moment, my throat too clogged with words I wished I could say. Words likeI want you.I love you.Stay.
Words I’d planned to say to him at one point but no longer would. The same words I’d wished to say more than once in my life.
To my parents, who wouldn’t have stayed no matter how hard I begged.
To Nana, who would have stayed if it was within her power not to grow old.
To Mrs. Hardt, who would have stayed for her husband and sons as much as for me.
Gabe would want to stay too, if only to give me what I wanted. But it wasn’t whathewanted, and I refused to put him in the position of having to let me down. Of thinking he wasn’t worthy of his dream because it might make me unhappy. As if my happiness meant more than his.
It didn’t. Not to me. And if he wouldn’t protect it, I would.
I met his eyes. “I wantyourdreams to come true.” He’d already given me more than one of mine.
His gaze softened, clinging to mine as his grip on my hand tightened. It almost looked like he was fighting against himself until something gave way, and he pulled me forward to capture my lips with his.
It was hard and consuming, a desperate kiss made of want and need, and I kissed him back like I’d die if I didn’t, my free hand finding his good shoulder to hold on to as my heart flew high and fast.
His kisses turned staggered, his mouth leaving then returning, as if he was still at war with himself.
“Can I?” he breathed between presses of his lips, his large hand cradling my cheek.
I couldn’t speak, my voice gone with my heart, so I clasped him tighter, my fingers twisting in the collar of his shirt, and nodded against his mouth. I wanted him to kiss me more than anything.
I wanted him to kiss me forever.
And if I couldn’t have that, I would at least have this. One last moment with him in this way. One more chance for my body to say what the rest of me wouldn’t.
I want you.I love you.Stay.
And then, I’d let him go.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Gabe
Aubrey nodded against my lips,and this time, I didn’t pull away. I kissed her like I needed her lips on mine to breathe. Like my very existence depended on the feel of her mouth, the softness of her cheek beneath my hand, on being as close to her as I could.
I released her hand to cup both sides of her face, and the shift of my torso made my shoulder groan. I ignored it and drew her closer.
In some ways, I welcomed the pain. Needed it as a reminder of why I didn’t get to keep her in my arms. I’d only end up breaking her the way I broke everything. Taking from her the way I took from everyone close to me, never considering how it might hurt them.
I’d hurt her worse if I stayed. I wouldn’t mean to, but I would.
