Page 114 of Ours to Lose
My heart jumped as I stamped the “down” button for the elevator. I crossed my arms. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you should drop this ‘it’s only sex’ act and tell him you have real feelings for him. And before you say anything,” he added when I opened my mouth to protest, “let’s pretend like I’ve been your best friend for over twenty years and know you well enough to tell when you’re lying. Even to yourself.”
The elevator doors opened, and we stepped on. Evan pushed the button for the ground floor.
“Why the sudden change of heart?” I asked, not bothering to deny how well he knew me. “Aren’t you the one who was convinced he’d leave? Now you think I should, what? Ask him to stay when he just got offered his dream job?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
I adjusted my balance as the elevator lurched into motion.
“So are you going to do it?”
I huffed. “No way.”
“Why not?”
My shoulders tensed as if to block out the suggestion. “Because this job is everything he wants. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask him to give it up after what he’s dealt with in his career.”
Evan opened his mouth?—
“And no avoiding the question,” I said, cutting him off this time. “Why the change of heart?”
He heaved a sigh and leaned against the stainless steel wall. “Everything that happened yesterday sort of forced me to realize the anger I was hanging on to wasn’t all about Gabe. You were right. I wasn’t being fair to him.”
His eyes flashed with an apology, and I nodded in acceptance. I cared more that he seemed interested in a relationship with his brother again than I did about being right.
“But you’re wrong about this being his dream job,” he said.
I scowled at him. “Hecalled it his dream job.”
“He may have used those words, but it’s not everything he wants. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have he told me this morning that he doesn’t know if he’s going to take it.”
My stomach flipped the same moment the elevator jolted to a stop. The doors opened, and Evan strode for the hospital’s main entrance
“You guys talked?” I asked, hurrying after him.
“We did.” He said it as if it felt good. Like they had found a way to move forward that brought relief. “I think he wants to stay but doesn’t know if he should. And I think you’re part of the reason why.”
My pulse was a fluttering mess. “He said that?”
“No,” Evan said as we crossed toward 10th Street. There was a comfort-food café we both liked that had a buffalo chicken mac and cheese I would shave my head for right now. “He said you were just friends, but I can tell when he’s lying as easily as I can with you.Especiallyto himself.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, barely avoiding collision with a trash can as I stepped around a flock of pigeons pecking at a scrap of food.
“Why would that be a bad thing?” Evan asked, taking in my expression.
I tried to make sense of the gnawing doubt in my belly. Itwouldn’tbe bad if Gabe wanted to stay. It would be amazing. Exactly what I hoped for.
But Gabe’s nature had always been to explore. To spread his wings and fly as far as the wind took him. It was one of the reasons boxing had suited him so well.
He reminded me of my parents in that way. The air force had provided them the opportunity to see the world as much as it gave them a job.
Ihad made that opportunity more difficult. Had added stress and limitations to perks that already came with the strict conditions of military life. I’d required them to sacrifice more than they’d been willing to give in order to meet my needs, and I didn’t want to put the same stress and limitations on Gabe.
I didn’t want to be the weight tying him down. The burden that held him back.
My answer was salt on my tongue. “Because what if he ends up regretting not taking the job, and I’m the reason he didn’t?”
