Page 120 of Ours to Lose
Maybe she wanted it too because she hopped from the window and took careful steps past Evan’s chair.
My hand shook as I grasped the tips of her fingers and guided her to my lap. She rested her head on my chest, the scent of coconut flooding my nose, and her ear settled over my rattling heart.
With her hand still in mine, her body released its weight like it knew it could in my hold. Or maybe this felt as right to her as it did to me. I played with the ends of her hair, loving its silky texture.
“Tonight was good,” she said, her soft voice a soothing melody in the quiet.
My lips rose. “Yeah, it was.” Maybe it was her body heat, but I felt warm all over, like being bundled in blankets on a cold winter morning. I’d stay like this forever if I could.
“Thank you for this,” she murmured, her words growing hazy. Her eyes had fallen closed. “You’re always taking care of me.”
My impulse was to eject the thanks like a crinkled bill from a vending machine.
Taking care of her hadn’t been conscious. Those things she’d thanked me for yesterday, having her here with me now—all of it had been for me as much as her. Had fed this need I had to watch her back and make sure she was okay. To be near her, have more of her. To satisfy the selfish part of myself I hadn’t found a way to deny when it came to her.
But what if it went beyond that? What if as much as I shared my mom’s selfishness, I shared some of the care she had for those she loved. The part that made her willing to drive eight hours for a single boxing match or stay up all night when Evan or I were sick. The part that made her willing to suffer any discomfort if it meant her kids were happy.
Mom had both. Maybe I did too.
It had me thinking more about Dad’s words from earlier.
There was more than one way to lead my life with joy. More than one way to find my center. And as much as Dad hadn’t wanted me to turn down the job for him, I got to decide what was right for me.
It hadn’t been a decision the last time I left. More like the jerking back of my hand from a fire after being burned. I hadn’t thought about it, had hardly been in control, desperate for the only way I’d known to keep functioning after losing Mom.
For the first time in two years, my mind was clear.
I settled into the chair, savoring Aubrey’s weight as her chest rose and fell with the steady breaths of sleep. I pressed a kiss to her forehead.
Over her shoulder, Dad cracked his eyes open. His gaze went to Aubrey cradled in my arms, then to my face, his eyes meeting mine. A soft smile touched his lips.
I smiled back, surrounded by a comfort that felt a lot like Mom’s embrace.
He nodded once, then closed his eyes and went back to sleep. I sank into the peacefulness of the room.
Maybe it was selfish to love Aubrey the way I did.
But maybe, this time, that was okay.
Chapter Fourty
Aubrey
I checkedmy phone for the time and picked up my pace to a jog. Sweat already clung to the back of my white T-shirt, thanks to the sun beating down on a freakishly warm day for the second week in May. I would be a sweaty mess by the time I made it to the gym, but I didn’t have time to worry about it.
I hadn’t had time to change my chef clothes either. Or make sable cookies to arm myself with or do any of the other dozen things I’d wanted to prepare for this conversation with Gabe. Not once his earlier text had come through:
Gabe:Meeting Coach D in a little bit. You around after?
That “after” was chasing me with a rusty knife, pushing my legs faster. I needed to talk to Gabebeforehe met with Coach Dotson.
I’d hoped Mr. Hardt’s doctors might drag their feet with his discharge so I could catch Gabe at the hospital, but his dad had been released this morning while Mack and I were pressing submit on our competition entry.
I still might have made it if it weren’t for the internet at the catering kitchen picking today of all days to crap out. We’d been halfway through the online form before having to rush to Ardena and fill the whole thing out again, costing me an hour.
Now, I ran down Girard Ave from where I’d parked the catering van four blocks away—becauseof coursethere’d been no parking spots closer—and prayed to whatever goddess granted luck Gabe was still at the gym.
I was sucking down air by the time I reached the steps, right as the door swung open and Gabe’s impressive form filled the entryway.
