Page 45 of Ours to Lose
“You want to explore.”
“Yes.”
“So this would be more than a one-time thing? You’re picturing something ongoing?”
She squirmed on the cushion. “If you’re open to it.” Anticipation pulsed through my body, only curbing when she added, “I mean, not forever. We could set a limit upfront if you want, or just see how it goes. Either way, I’m not expecting anything long-term.”
If she was, I’d be the last person she’d turn to, rightfully so. No matter how much it stung that she knew it.
“And whenever it ends, you still want to be friends?”
“Yes.” Her eyes snapped to mine. “That’s really important to me. I don’t want to do this if you think that won’t be possible.”
It was just as important to me. Over the past two years, she’d become the person I could talk to about anything. The only person I wanted to talk to about most things. Given my current relationship status with my family, she was pretty much the most important person in my life right now.
Which made our friendship the one thing in all of this that made me nervous. “I’ve never done something like this with a friend,” I admitted.
Sex had never carried stakes for me before. Not just because I’d been too selfish to think past what felt good in the moment but because there had never been a relationship beyond it I cared about losing.
Maybe that meant I shouldn’t risk my relationship with Aubrey by bringing sex into the mix, but I wanted it too much to turn her away when she was the one asking.
“Do you think it’s a bad idea?” she asked.
I knew what I wanted the answer to be. “No. But I think if we’re going to do this, we need ground rules.”
Her shoulders eased. “I think so too.”
Our stares met across the room, and something passed between us in the brief silence. An acknowledgment that we were actually discussing this. Her mouth lifted at the corners.
I swallowed. “Then for starters, no being with anyone else while we do this. For either of us.” Even putting aside the added health risks, I wouldn’t be able to handle the thought of another man’s hands on her while we were together. I could hardly stand the thought of it happening after we were back to just friends, but that would be a problem for my future self to deal with.
Her eyes flashed with a similar spark of possession that made me want to say fuck it and bury my head between her legs right now. “Agreed.”
“I got tested last year,” I continued. “Everything was negative, and I haven’t been with anyone since.”
“I got tested after Patrick and I broke up, and same. And I still have an IUD, but I’d rather use condoms anyway if that’s all right with you.”
“Of course.” Whatever would make her most comfortable. God knew I wasn’t qualified to be a father.
“Also, maybe we don’t tell Evan,” she added. “There’s enough going on between you two as is, and I don’t want this to make everything worse.”
“You sure?” It wasn’t like he gave me many opportunities to talk to him. This would affect her relationship with him more than mine.
But she nodded. “I’m sure.”
“Then we won’t tell him.”
“Anything else?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
I abandoned the safety of the counter and rounded the coffee table to join her on the couch, leaving a good six inches between us. I did it partly for my own control and partly to make sure she didn’t feel pressured now that we’d agreed to do this.
“Tell me what wasn’t good for you about sex with your ex.”
She dropped her chin, fingers running through the fibers of the pillow as if she wasn’t sure how to answer. “It wasn’t anything specific,” she said. “He did all the right things and touched all the right places. We used lube so there wasn’t friction. It just never reallyfeltlike anything. Not in a numb way. I mean, I could feel stuff. It just didn’t feel particularly good. Sometimes it hurt.”
I tensed.
