Page 39 of Letters From a Broken Heart
“He regretted it,” her voice catches on a sob again.
“How do you know all of this?”
“He had a notebook full of journal entries. He saw the way we looked at each other and he was jealous. He regretted dating me because he couldn’t kiss me or touch me. Every time he tried, he wondered if I was thinking about you. He knew we were in love with each other.”
“Jeez. He sure knew how to make a mess of things. I’m sorry you got tangled up in all of this.”
“I'm not upset. Not really. But my heart breaks for him. The struggles he went through to try to make everything right. The torture it must’ve been to keep Cassy his dirty little secret.”
“When did she get pregnant?”
“The ultrasound was dated a few days before he died. She was twelve weeks pregnant at the time.”
“I don’t remember seeing anyone pregnant at the funeral.” I frown up at the ceiling.
“She told Jack she wasn’t raising the baby alone. I don’t know if she ended the pregnancy by choice, or if she had a miscarriage after he died, but I don’t think she was pregnant when I saw her.”
My thoughts drift to my brother. I’ve villainized him in my head over the years. Even after I bought the house and he moved in, I think I only did it to keep Taylor closer to me. I don’t think I really wanted him around.
I’ve held a grudge since he betrayed me when he was sixteen. I never let him forget what he did, even though I knew he felt bad. I understood he couldn’t break Taylor’s heart without ripping her away from both of us. Now, knowing he wanted us to be together, I feel bad for hating him so much.
He really wanted to fix everything; he just didn’t know how to.
“I wish he had come to me. I wish he had told me what was going on. I would’ve helped him. I would’ve made everything better.” I swipe at my cheek as a tear makes it’s way down. “I was a horriblebrother to him.”
“No, you weren’t.” Taylor shifts in my arms so she’s hovering over me. She holds my face in her hands and stares right into my eyes. “You were an amazing brother. You gave him a place to live when your parents moved, you didn’t have to do that.”
“I did it so I could see you more,” I confess as another tear slips free. “I didn’t care about him, only you.”
“Easton, he loved you. He constantly told me how lucky he was to have a brother like you. He made comments here and there about how he didn’t deserve your love and kindness, but the fact you gave it so freely was a testament to what an amazing man you were. I didn’t understand what he meant at the time, but now I do.”
“I could’ve been better. I never really forgave him, I just accepted my new reality.”
“It doesn’t matter. You could’ve pushed him away. Whether you realize it or not, you forgave him somewhat. He might even have an entry talking about it. Hold on.”
Taylor leaps off the bed and hurries into the hallway. She returns a few moments later with a notebook almost identical to the one in my nightstand in her hands.
“Right here… I haven’t read this one yet.”
She holds the book out to me and cuddles back into my side. We both read the entry to ourselves and emotion washes over me all over again.
Easton should hate me. I purposely knocked down those tools. I knew he’d stop to pick them up, just like he always cleans up my messes. I knew it was the only way to stop him from finding Taylor. I knew if I could get to Taylor first, she’d agree to date me. I knew I could flash her a smile and sweet talk my way into keeping her away from Easton. So, I did it. I made the biggest mistake of my life because I didn’t want to share my best friend with my brother. I didn’t want him to get the beautiful girlfriend I wanted for myself… except I knew I wasn’t in love with Taylor. Not like Easton was. No where close.
She was hesitant when I first asked her to be my girlfriend. I saw it immediately. I also didn’t miss the way her gaze strayed to the garage for a moment before she smiled at me. It was nothing like the smile she gives Easton. No one got the smile she gave Easton. It was brighter, happier, hopeful, loving.
Yet, she said yes. As soon as she did, my stomach sank and I knew I had made a mistake. That was even more obvious when Easton slowly climbed the stairs to the porch. Heknew. I don’t know how, but he did. He was angry before we even told him.
Taylor’s smile fell and she was upset as soon as she realized he wasn’t happy. I think she knew she had made a mistake too. So many mistakes were made and they all started with me knocking down those tools. A series of screw ups all because I didn’t want him to take any of my time with Taylor away.
Easton’s a great brother. He always has been. Sure, he was angry at me, but he doesn’t hate me. He still covered for me when I snuck in late a few days later, even though he knew I was with Taylor. He still helped me when I sliced open my hand when I was trying to cut a stupid bagel and when I was struggling in math.
He continued to help me even after I took away the woman he loved. If the roles were reversed, I’d never speak to him again and I know it. But not Easton. He’s too selfless and loving to cut me out of his life.He cares too much. He’s too nice.
He’s everything I'm not. That’s why Taylor loves him and not me. That’s why things will never work between us, but I don’t know how to fix this.
Easton would know. He’d know exactly how to make all of this better, but I already ruined it. I'm not asking him to clean up my mess too. Not this time. I’ll fix it all by myself.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I exhale a sharp breath and swallow hard. “Why did he have to write stuff like this? I feel like even more of a jerk.”
