Page 120 of The Choices I've Made
“Terri is fine, do you hear me? She’s still alive and kicking, and she will be for a long time. That woman has more gusto and stubbornness than a mule in heat. She’ll outlive us all.”
A weak smile bloomed across his face but died just as quickly. The change in setting didn’t seem to faze him at all. “I don’t even have her test results back yet. In Chicago, I could have had those tests run the same day if I needed to. Better yet, I could have sent her to the damn hospital ten minutes away, not three fucking hours. I’m useless here, Molly. Terri could have died while I waited around for those test results. And the worst part of it all is, me. In the few weeks I’ve been here, I’ve become complacent—leaving my phone in the damn car when I’m supposed to be on call, missing signs of an impending heart attack. I’m a fucking heart surgeon! I sent her home when I should have driven her to the damn hospital myself.”
My soul ached for him. For the boy who would always check on my scraped knees and twisted ankles. Jake had been a doctor long before he went to school or took the Hippocratic Oath.
“I know where you’re headed with this, and I won’t allow it, Jake. You’re an amazing doctor. This is not your fault—”
“Don’t say it, Molly,” he said, taking a few steps away from me. “Don’t say I’m not like him.”
“I wasn’t going to,” I replied. “But surely this isn’t the first time you’ve second-guessed yourself. We’re all human, Jake, even doctors. You can’t tell me there isn’t a single moment of your career you can’t look back at and wish you’d done something differently.”
“Of course. Dozens of them. I’m a perfectionist. I second-guess everything,” he said, his voice rising.
“Then, what is different now? Why is this moment sending you over the edge?”
“Because, this time, I care!” he shouted to the heavens.
All those emotions he’d carried through the door with him, so carefully boxed up inside him, broke open in that moment. The rage, the pain, and most importantly, the regret. He fell to his knees. That great big bear of a man I’d loved since I could barely walk crumpled to the ground and roared as the tears fell to the grassy sod below.
The sound echoing from his mouth, out of his lungs, destroyed me. I’d heard him cry only once—when his mom died. He’d sobbed in my arms as he told me the story, crushed under the weight of the news. Back then, I’d been holding a boy grieving over the lost years with his mother that he’d never get back. But, now, as I knelt on the soft green grass next to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I was holding on to a man.
A man deeply crippled and heartbroken over his own mistakes.
Feeling my arms around him, he turned, eyes rimmed in red. He planted himself on the ground, like we had done as kids. I noticed the knees of his jeans were stained green as he stretched his long legs out in front of him.
“I can’t stay here,” he said softly.
“What?” My throat went dry as my mind tried to make sense of his words. Just twenty-four hours earlier, I had been flying high at the idea of him waking up in my bed, greeting guests, and making his mark.
And, now…
“I can’t go on like this, Molly. I wasn’t trained for this kind of life. I’m a surgeon. I thrive on chaos and speed. Sitting around and waiting for lab results while my patients are slowly dying? I can’t do that. I need to know I’m making a difference.”
“You are making a difference,” I pushed. “You saved Terri’s life today.”
“No,” he countered. “Henry saved Terri’s life today. If he hadn’t stopped by her house today, who knows what would have happened? And I couldn’t have done shit to stop it while here, on this godforsaken island.”
“So, you’re going to run because, suddenly, your patients have names and faces you know and recognize? So that you don’t have to feel anymore? Because we’ll still be here, Jake. We’ll still need prescriptions for the flu and someone to check on our lab results. The only difference is, it won’t be you.”
“Exactly!” he said with conviction. “I’m too close. Too close,” he repeated. “I can’t be the one to do this. I need out. I—” His voice cracked, fading into nothing.
We both looked out onto the black water. The moon above highlighted its tiny movements, making it almost shimmer before us.
“So, what does this mean for us?” I asked softly, turning away from the pristine view, as my heart slowly began to crumble.
His eyes explored mine. Those wild blue irises that had haunted me for years studied every inch of my face, as if he were searching for answers somewhere deep inside me.
“Come with me,” he finally said.
My chest tightened.
“Come with me,” he repeated, this time with a resolute clarity behind his words.
“What? I can’t just—”
His hands wrapped around mine as he shifted in the grass, pulling me closer. “You can, Molly. Come with me. Let’s not make the same mistakes of our past. Make a life with me in Chicago. You’ll love it there. We’ll eat at a different restaurant every night. My apartment is big enough for the both of us, and if you hate it, we’ll move. Hell, if you hate Chicago, we can go anywhere in the world.”
Except here.
