Page 116 of The Affair
With her eyes half-closed, her familiar face seemed almost unrecognizable from the woman I’d held mere weeks ago.
How had I not noticed how weak she’d become?
“Hey, Mom,” I said softly.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“I’m going to let you two have a moment while I go check on my wife.”
“Thank you, Jack,” she said.
Giving a short nod, he stepped back out, leaving us alone. The machine monitoring her vitals beeped in the background, mimicking the steady sound of her heart.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, taking a seat in the empty chair near her bed.
“Tired and a little embarrassed, but otherwise okay. I think they have me on some pain medicine. I feel kind of funny.”
“Embarrassed? Why?”
“For causing such a fuss. I know it couldn’t have been easy on you three.”
The sound of her voice made my chest hurt. It was weak and softer than normal.
Had I caused this? Had I pushed too hard, demanded too much?
“I’m so sorry, Mom.”
“Whatever for?” she asked.
“For everything. For being mad, for not understanding your wishes. For not calling sooner.”
“Oh Elle, come here,” she demanded, holding out her hand.
I, of course, went immediately, reaching out for her like a lifeline.
Like a small child in need of her mommy.
But I wasn’t little anymore.
I was a grown woman, and I needed to act like one.
“None of this is your fault,” she began. “I was the stubborn old woman who caused all this.”
“No, Mom. You were just doing what you thought was best. I get that now.”
“I should have told you.”
“And I should have respected your wishes,” I replied.
“What do you mean?”
“When I found out about the cancer, I didn’t take into account what you wanted. I just barreled ahead, hell-bent on finding an answer. I never stopped to ask if this was what you really wanted, and now, I see the toll it’s taking on you.”
She squeezed my hand in her own. “You know what the first thought was when I woke up in this hospital bed today?”
“What?”
“Thank God I’m still alive.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I listened to her speak. “I’ll admit, I had all but given up before you arrived. I had made peace with my fate, focusing only on cherishing the time I had. But then I realized something. I’m not done yet. I’m not ready to go.”
