Page 66 of The Affair
Her eyes lit up. “Oh, you mean, Debbie Gibson, the American icon?”
I laughed. “Yes, that’s the one!”
She grinned, placing a hand under her chin and leaning forward with interest.
“I loved that cassette tape. It was old—something my mom picked up for me at a discount store. I thought it was the best thing I’d ever heard. But, if you can remember way back then, those flimsy little things weren’t exactly built for longevity or the dedication a ten-year-old could have to a single song. Seriously, kids these days don’t know how good they have it. Having to stop, rewind, and play your favorite song over and over? Maddening.”
She chuckled, mocking my pain. “Yes, that really was the worst.”
“You were one of those kids who got a CD player as soon as they came out, weren’t you?”
She merely shrugged.
“I knew it. Anyway, I still remember the day. I was in my room, belting out the lyrics to “Lost in Your Eyes,” and suddenly, the ribbon snagged. Debbie’s voice went all high and weird, and then it just stopped altogether. By the time I made it to my little cassette player, the ribbon was everywhere.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so emotional over a cassette tape. Or Debbie Gibson. And I still have no idea what this has to do with Sawyer.”
“Hush,” I said. “Let me finish.”
She folded her arms back across her chest, and I reveled in the fact that she was semi-pouting; mostly because the look was sort of adorable on her.
“Seeing one of my prized possessions torn apart like that was heartbreaking. But luckily, after several meticulous hours, I was able to rewind it back together.”
“Okay, so why are we sitting here, talking about Debbie Gibson?”
“Because this is my point, Candace. Even though I was able to put it back together, it wasn’t the same. From that moment on, whenever it played, it’d always have this wobble whenever it got to that part where it had fallen apart.”
“And you’re worried that, what? You and Sawyer are the cassette tape now? That you were perfect before you pulled away, and now, you’re, like… damaged? That’s very deep.”
“Not damaged. Just changed,” I said. “And what if, by pulling away, I ruined something that was otherwise perfect?”
She leaned forward, but this time, there wasn’t any joking tone to her voice like there had been before. “Look, Elle, I don’t know about Sawyer, and I’m guessing you don’t either. To be honest, I don’t know much about cassette tapes, but I’m gathering you’ve already figured that out.”
I grinned just ever so slightly.
“But what I do know is you—or at least, I think I do. You and I have been friends for a while. We’re maybe not as close as either of us would like, but I’d like to think that’s been changing lately because the girl I knew a few months ago would never have shown up at my house to bare her soul, or told me that long-winded story about Debbie Gibson.”
“No,” I agreed. “I definitely wouldn’t have.”
“You’ve been there for me since Penny was born. You’ve given me an outlet outside of the home where I can be more than just a mom, and I know you don’t think that’s a lot, but to me, it’s everything. So, I’m going to give you a little advice, okay?”
My lips pressed together as I tried not to get emotional. “Okay.”
“You need to embrace the change,” she said. “If things feel weird between you and Sawyer, it’s because something is unsettled. So, settle it. Finish that kiss. See where it leads, but for God’s sake, stop being scared of what might be and go out there and live. Change isn’t always bad, Elle. See what change has done for the two of us? It can be a beautiful thing. It doesn’t always end in a ruined cassette tape or a messy divorce.”
She’d gotten me there.
That was my ultimate fear.
The fear of failure.
Because this time, I knew, when I gave my heart, there was no return policy, and if this ended, I would find myself in ruins.
Pushing away from the counter, I took a deep breath, feeling renewed. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right,” I said. “I just need to stop waiting and get out there and live! I need to go tell him how I feel!”
“Well, I didn’t mean now!” She laughed, her voice following me as I made my exit to the back office. I didn’t even realize my feet had begun to move. “It’s not even noon, and you’re open until five!”
“You’re right!” I announced, doing a one-eighty turn on my heels and heading back toward the front.
