Page 77 of The Heart Shot
I called my best friend over lunch the next day, needing to sort through my spinning thoughts after lying awake most of the night. I had explained how Ben showed up last night, and all the words he had spewed at me, glossing over the fact that Jameson had left minutes beforehand.
“Why that pathetic excuse for a man…” Maya snapped, mumbling several unintelligible curses. I swear I heard her mutter,let me at him.“What the heck was he hoping to accomplish?”
I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me.
“He’s such a liar, Elsie. Please don’t even think twice about the poisonous things he said. He’s just angry that you turned him down four years ago, and now you’re into someone else. Little boys get mad when they think their toys have been stolen.”
I snorted. She wasn’t wrong.
“I mean it, Els.” Her voice grew louder, her mouth likely right on the microphone, trying to make her point. “Don’t listen to him. He’s wrong about you and Jameson. I told you before, you are not your parents.”
Despite knowing there was truth in her words, and feeling like I was starting to accept the possibility of me and Jameson, I still couldn’t stop doubt from seeping into me. It was like venom, filling my veins inch by inch, killing the notion of us until we no longer sounded like a good idea.
He said he would be my safe place.
But how long would that last? Until the first fight? Or would he make it twenty years before he became so resentful that he walked out the door?
I shook my head. As much as I liked Jameson, and as much as I wanted to believe that maybe we could make things work, I didn’t know if I could do it.
“Elsie…” Maya said, sensing my inner thoughts over the phone through some crazy best friend Spidey sense. “Don’t shut down.”
“I’m not shutting down,” I retorted, even though it was a bald-faced lie.
“You’re letting Ben ruin your chance at happiness, and he’s not even the one you’re dating. Don’t let him have that power over you.”
My body went still. Was that what I was doing? Was I still giving Ben power over my life, my mind?
“I’m not.” The lie was automatic, though my insides were twisting and unsettled.
Maya sighed. “Don’t do anything rash, Els. Let this settle. Calm down before you make a decision you’ll regret.” The phone crackled as she sighed. “I got to go, Els. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” she said, adding, “I mean it, don’t make any decisions about Jameson until you’ve calmed down.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I replied. “Talk to you later.”
We hung up, and I dropped the phone on my couch with athud, collapsing onto my side.
Frustratedwas not a strong enough word for how I was feeling. I had finally started to come to terms with giving a relationship a try, with risking everything for Jameson. He hadn’t given me a reason to believe it was a bad idea, yet I couldn’t stop my walls from rising again. Brick by brick, they encased my heart, and only a wrecking ball could bring them down.
And I’d had enough wrecking to last a lifetime.
Fear and logic warred for control of my brain, my resolve teetering like a see-saw.
As much as I wanted to believe things with Jameson would work out and have a happy ending, the uncertainty was too much for me to overlook; too much to risk.
Instead of sitting at the kitchen counter and working on an article I had been putting off for days, I turned my phone off and spent the day in bed, curled next to Rhys, trying to make sense of the scrambled eggs my mind had become.
Jameson
Ifelt like a little kid about to enter a candy store.
It was the night of my third official date with Elsie.
This was it. Our last date and then I’d lay it all out there—more than I did when I had her pinned against my truck. Everything I was feeling, everything I wanted with her. Women liked feelings talk, right?
It had been two days since I had last seen Elsie. She had been strangely distant through text messages, but work had been so crazy I couldn’t spend a lot of time decoding why. I was still on a high from leaving her place the other night, though I couldn’t get the tear-stained look on her face out of my mind, couldn’t forget her thinking I’d be mad at her for a little drool either.
I wanted to wipe those memories from her mind. I wanted to make sure she never felt small, diminished, or self-conscious again. I wanted her to see what I saw, to feel confident and important, not like someone who needed to hide.
I dug my phone out of my pocket.
