Page 158 of The Goat in the Bedroom
All three kids leaned in.
“Operation Baby Fever,” I announced dramatically.
“What's that?” they asked.
“We need to be so adorable, so perfectly charming, that Artie and Gryff decide they want human babies too,” Holly explained.
“How do we do that?” Stevie asked.
“Step one: Look cute when they have friends over,” I said.
“Step two: Be extra snuggly when they seem sad,” Holly added.
“Step three: Occasionally escape just enough to make them practice their parenting skills,” I continued.
“But not too much,” Holly warned. “We don't want to seem like troublemakers.”
“We ARE troublemakers,” Stevie pointed out.
“Tactical troublemakers,” I corrected. “There's a difference.”
“What about the other pets in the patrol?” Goatzart asked. “Do they have missions too?”
“Oh yes,” Holly said. “Luke Skycocker crows every morning at exactly the right time to optimize Chris and Trixie's sleep schedule for fertility.”
“What's fertility?” Stevie asked.
“Making babies,” I explained quickly. “Wiener the Pooh guards Declan and Kelsey's music studio so they have quiet time together. Lady Bananaconda already had one success with Everett and Penelope's baby Bo.”
“And Seven of Nine Lives?”
“Cats work in mysterious ways,” I said sagely. “We don't question their methods.”
Just then, we heard footsteps. Artie and Gryff were returning from their date, laughing about something.
“Positions,” Holly hissed.
The kids immediately arranged themselves into maximum cuteness formation—Stevie in the middle, Goatzart mid-tiny-bounce, and Bleathoven with his head tilted just so.
“Oh my god,” we heard Artie say. “Look at them. They're posing.”
“They definitely learned that from their parents,” Gryff laughed.
“We should take a picture,” Artie said. “They're so perfect.”
“You know what else would look perfect in photos?” Gryff said, and even us goats could hear the suggestion in his voice.
“Gryff...”
“I'm just saying, imagine how cute our kids would be with the goats.”
“After the next Olympics.”
“After the next Olympics,” he agreed. “But we could practice the making part.”
“Gryffen,” she sounded like he was in trouble, but I knew better.
They headed inside, still laughing.
