Page 78 of The Goat in the Bedroom
“Yeah.” I pulled my legs up under me, turning to face him. “I want someone to look at me like that someday.”
“Someone will,” he said, and the way he was looking at me right then made my heart skip.
“I'd be terrified though,” I admitted, the champagne making me brave. “Of the wedding night, I mean.”
“Why?”
I took a breath. We'd already crossed so many lines with our trust exercises. What was one more confession?
“I've never... I mean, I can't...” I started over. “I've never had an orgasm with a partner. Only by myself. I can't let go with someone else there. I freeze up or perform or just... disconnect.”
Gryff was quiet for a moment, and I immediately regretted saying anything.
“Sorry, that was too much information?—“
“No,” he said quickly. “I'm just... processing. So you've never…?”
“Never. I've tried, I swear, and it's not like I want to fake it. But my brain won't shut off. I get too in my head about what I should be doing or feeling, and how I need to get my partner off. Then I'm basically just watching myself from outside my body, and it's...” I shrugged. “It's why they all said I was bad in bed.”
“They were idiots,” Gryff said firmly. “You're not bad at anything. You just need to learn to let someone else take care of you.”
“That's the problem. I don't know how.”
He turned to face me fully, and there was that look again, the one that made me feel like I was falling and flying at the same time.
“This is just another trust exercise,” he said slowly. “Like the eye contact, like the kissing practice.”
“Gryff, this is... different.”
“Only if we make it different.” His hand found mine. “What if we just approach it the same way? No pressure, no expectations. Just you learning to trust someone else with your pleasure.”
“You'd do that for me?” My voice came out smaller than intended.
“I'd do anything for you,” he said, and the weight of those words hung between us.
“What if I can't?”
“Then we'll figure out why. We'll go as slow as you need. Or we stop. Whatever you need.”
I looked at him, my best friend, the person who knew me better than anyone, who'd already taught me so much about trusting someone else. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
Well okay then. Here we go.
STAYS IN VEGAS
GRYFF
“Okay.”
The word hung between us in the ridiculous Vegas honeymoon suite, and I felt the weight of it settle into my bones. She was trusting me with this. Trusting me with her vulnerability, her insecurities, her body.
This was the only time I'd ever get to show her how she should be loved.
I took a breath, trying to center myself. This wasn't about me. This couldn't be about me or the fact that I was so in love with her it felt like drowning. This was about Artie learning she deserved to be cherished.
