Page 91 of The Goat in the Bedroom
“Dad, no.”
“Yes. I was so grateful that you kept us all together, kept us laughing, kept us functioning, that I didn't see what it was costing you. You learned that your value was in what you could do for others, not in who you are.”
The truth of it hit me like a freight train. Every relationship, every friendship, every interaction, I was always the one giving, fixing, supporting. And with Artie...
“You think you're protecting Artemis by not telling her how you feel,” Dad continued, like he could read my thoughts. “But, Gryff, what you're really doing is making her choice for her. You're deciding she's better off without you, that she doesn't get a say in whether she wants you or not.”
“I'm trying not to ruin our friendship?—“
“You're so busy sacrificing yourself that you won't let her choose you.” His voice softened. “Think about it, son. Really think about it. You're pre-rejecting yourself to save her from having to do it. But what if she wants to choose you? What if she's been trying to choose you this whole time and you keep pushing her toward other people?”
I thought about Vegas, about her trust, about the way she'd looked at me. About tonight, curled into my side like she belonged there.
“Your mother would have wanted you to fight for your happiness, Gryff. She would have wanted you to be brave enough to not just love, but to accept being loved. To believe you're worthy of it.”
“What if Artie doesn't feel the same?”
“Hmm.” That tone meant I was about to get another figurative slap upside the head. “What's happening right now?”
I thought about her on a date with Tyson, about the defeated look on her face when she said we couldn't practice anymore. “She's dating other people.”
“So you're already living your worst-case scenario.” He let that sink in for a moment. “The only difference is, right now you're choosing it instead of actually finding out the truth. You're so afraid of losing her that you're pushing her away.”
“But—“
“No buts. I've watched that girl look at you like you like you're her home for six years. Six years, Gryff. She moved across the country to live with you. She bought you a goat after you?—“
“She named the goat Vincent Van Goat.”
My dad laughed. “Flynn told me all about you two getting them for each other. She trusts you with her whole heart. Stop being noble and start being honest. Trust her enough to let her decide what she wants.”
“What if what she wants isn't me?” The thought of it made my whole chest ache.
“Then at least you'll know. But, son? I'd bet everything I have that she's sitting in her room right now, wishing you'd knock on her door. Wishing you'd stop being her protector and start being her partner.”
What if I couldn't do that? Taking care of Artie was a part of me that I didn't want to let go. “I’m so scared that she doesn’t want me, and then I won’t be able to take care of her anymore.”
“You don't have to stop taking care of her. Just... let her take care of you too. Let her love you back. Stop making yourself small so others can be big. You know the message Trixie and the others are trying to spread, right?”
What did their body positivity movement have to do with me?
“You're allowed to take up space too, Gryff. You're allowed to want things. You're allowed to be someone's first choice, not just their safety net.”
Fuck. It wasn't just about loving your body. It was about loving yourself enough to be truly happy from the inside out. How had I never realized that before?
Because I never thought it applied to me.
I was crying now, silent tears rolling down my face as seventeen years of holding myself back, of putting myself last, of being afraid I wasn’t enough, all came crashing down.
“I love her so much it terrifies me,” I admitted.
“Good,” Dad said firmly. “Love should terrify you. It should feel like jumping off a cliff. Your mother terrified me every single day. All that love, all that life, all that possibility. But, Gryff? The jump is worth it. It's always worth it.”
“What if I'm not enough for her?”
“Son, you've been enough since the day you were born.” His voice was rough, and I thought he was maybe crying too. “You just need to believe it. And you need to give her the chance to show you that you are.”
After we hung up, I sat there staring at Vincent. I thought my world had changed the night I'd kissed Artemis for the first time, and while it had, it was nothing like when she'd let me see her, touch her, make her mine for just one night.
