Page 79 of The Goat in the Bedroom
“We go at your pace,” I said, shifting to face her fully on the heart-shaped bed. “You're in control here.”
“But I don't know what I'm doing,” she said, that little crease appearing between her eyebrows.
“That's the point. You don't have to know. You just have to feel. I've got you, sweet strawberry girl.” I reached out slowly, telegraphing my movement. “Can I touch your face?”
She nodded, and I cupped her cheek gently, thumb stroking over her cheekbone.
“You tell me if anything doesn't feel good. Even if you think you should like it, even if you think I want you to like it,” I said, keeping my voice soft and steady even though my heart was trying to break out of my chest. “You tell me.”
My number one rule had and would always be about having enthusiastic consent from my partner. Anything else and I didn't want it.
She bit her bottom lip for just a minute, like she was thinking about whether she was going to agree to my rules. No, that wasn't quite it. She was trying to talk herself into being strong enough to actually express what she wanted tonight. “Okay.”
“That's my good girl. We can stop anytime. Just say the word. No questions, no disappointment, we just stop.”
“What if I can't... what if I freeze up again?”
God, I wanted to bury every other person she'd ever been with under a whole-ass field of columbines for not realizing they hadn't taken care of her when she so clearly needed someone to. “Then we stop. We talk. We figure out what you need.” I moved my thumb to trace her bottom lip. “This isn't about performing or doing anything right, Artie. This is about you feeling safe and good. That's all I want.”
Liar. You want so much more than that.
“Can I kiss you?” I asked.
“We've been kissing for weeks,” she said with a nervous laugh.
“Not like this,” I said. “This is different. This is... can I kiss you?”
“Yes.”
I leaned in slowly, giving her time to change her mind, and pressed my lips to hers. Soft, gentle, nothing like the desperate practice sessions we'd been having. This was reverent. This was worship.
She sighed into the kiss, her hand coming up to rest against my chest, and I had to fight not to deepen it, not to take more than she was offering.
“Still good?” I asked against her lips.
“Still good.”
I swept her hair back and gently wove my fingers into her waves and deepened the kiss. I teased her with my tongue, savoring every moment that she responded with her own. We lay back together, still fully clothed, just kissing. I kept one hand on her face, the other resting carefully on her waist, not moving, not pushing. Just being present with her.
When I felt her start to tense up, overthinking, I pulled back.
“Where'd you go?” I asked. “You left me for a second there.”
She blinked a few times and looked down, hiding from me. But then I felt her muscles relax and she took a fortifying breath, like she remembered she'd said she would tell me when things got uncomfortable. “I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing.”
“Nothing. You should be doing absolutely nothing except feeling.” I traced my fingers along her jaw. “Tell me what you're feeling right now. Not what you think you should feel. What you actually feel.”
“Nervous. But also safe. Warm.” She paused. “Tingly.”
Was it the same electricity that was coursing through my…every cell in my body? “Good tingly or bad tingly?”
“Good. Very good.”
“Then we're on the right track.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Can I tell you something?”
“Yeah.”
She was doing such a good job of being honest with me, I was going to do the same. “You're so beautiful it hurts to look at you sometimes.”
