Page 186 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
Biting my bottom lip, I think about it. “You want me to? I figured you wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.”
He smiles. “I like spending time with both my girls.”
“All right,” I concede, turning the ignition off. “I’ll stay.”
Spencer’s smile is triumphant. “I don’t have any food, so we’ll have to order pizza.”
With a sigh, I reply, “I’ll never say no to pizza.”
Hours later, Monroe is in bed, it’s dark out, and Spencer is rewarming us each a slice of pizza while I sip at a glass of red wine. I should’ve gone home a while ago, but for some reason, I don’t want to.
He slides me a warmed slice across the counter and joins me on the stool beside me.
“Don’t tell anyone I’m indulging in pizza,” he jokes.
“Who would I tell?” I volley.
He bites into his slice. “How’s the wine?”
“Delicious. Do I want to know how much you paid for it?” I arch a brow in question.
His hair flops as he shakes his head. “No, not at all.”
“Well, whatever you paid for it”—I take another sip— “was worth it.
He laughs. “I’m glad you like it.” Sobering, he asks, “I know we haven’t talked much aboutus, but I want to be upfront with you that I still want there to be an us one day, when you’re ready. I don’t want you to think that because I’m staying quiet that I’ve changed my mind.”
I set my glass down. I’m not ready to have this conversation, but I know it’s one we need to have.
“Spencer, I … why?”
“Why what?” he questions.
“Why do you love me?”
His face falls. “You still don’t get it, do you?” His warm hand caresses my cheek in a barely-there touch. “I think I fell for you that very first day we made cookies in our home economics class, and you gave me hell for burning the cookies. You didn’t hold any punches, and Ilovethat about you.” His hand falls from my face, but before I can miss his touch, he takes my hand instead. “I love you for being the one to keep me sane during my grief with T.J. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around during that, but you made me feel understood. I love you for the way youlove your sister so unconditionally. I love you for always being my cheerleader. And I love you for carrying and growing our child. I love you for your dislike of raw eggs but the fact you cook them for Monroe anyway.” I laugh at that comment. “I love you for handling motherhood far better than you give yourself credit for. You’re the best mom, Harlow. I mean that. I love you for the time and care you give everyone around you. But, and probably most importantly, I loveyou—who you are at your core.” He reaches up and presses a palm over my heart. “I hate that you can’t see all the reasons you’re worth loving, but I do, and when you’re ready I would be honored if you let me be the person to show you those reasons every day of the rest of our lives.”
Tears burn my eyes, and I blurt out an, “Oh, fuck,” before pulling my hands from his remaining one. “That wasn’t what I was expecting.” He slides the hand resting against my heart up and around to cup my neck. He pulls me in until we’re forehead to forehead. “I don’t deserve you,” I whisper the confession.
“You do. I promise, you do.”
He lets me go and quickly changes the subject, asking me about Monroe’s teacher, and how she’s been doing in her classes. It’s not like we haven’t talked about this stuff before, but I appreciate the reprieve from heavy conversation.
By the time we finish our pizza and wine, it’s too late for me to drive home.
“I have plenty of rooms,” he insists. “You can stay in any of them.”
“I don’t have any pajamas,” I protest.
He shrugs. “You can sleep in my shirt. That’s what you used to do anyway.”
The reminder sends a shiver down my spine. It doesn’t go unnoticed by him, but he doesn’t tease me about it.
“I guess I’ll stay then,” I finally answer.
“Good.” He ducks his head like he doesn’t want me to see him smile.
I help him straighten up and then follow him upstairs. He pushes open a door and heads in first, flicking on the bedside light.
