Page 123 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
CHAPTER 46
HARLOW
Ikeep waiting for the guilt to come, but thus far it hasn’t, and I don’t think I want to know what that says about me. I’m sure, though, that it’ll come at some point.
Spencer insists on cooking me dinner, which surprises me since he didn’t cook much when we were together. Not that he wouldn’t have, but he was busy working, so I usually handled the meals.
He glances over his shoulder at me like he wants to make sure I’m still sitting there on the barstool and not a figment of his imagination.
“This smells incredible,” I comment on the alfredo sauce he has going in a pot.
“It’s a simple recipe,” he says. “Once I started making it, I wondered why anyone ever orders it from a restaurant.”
He adds some spinach into the sauce and checks on the shell-shaped pasta he has boiling.
“Do you cook a lot?” I ask, sipping the glass of wine he poured for me.
I’ve already been here several hours. After we showered, we came downstairs, and he put a movie on while we laid togetheron the couch. I kept waiting to feel jumpy, like I needed to get out of here as fast as possible, but the feeling hasn’t come.
“Yeah,” he answers with his back to me. “Unless I’m on set late or traveling. But I uh … I needed something to keep me busy, and cooking has been a big part of that. I read a lot too.”
I look around and my throat feels heavy as I think about how lonely he must be.
I imploded our shared life all because I didn’t want to handle his quickly booming Hollywood career. I was terrified of all the things that would come with it, I still am, but those things are starting to not feel not quite as scary as they once did. Everything was so magnified back then with my postpartum depression.
“I’m sorry,” I confess, wrapping my fingers around the stem of the wineglass. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you that, but I am sorry for hurting you.”
He turns his back on the stove and faces me. He slides his arms across his chest, and I try not to stare at the way his muscles move with fluid grace. His body might be different than the teenage boy I fell in love with, but there are still pieces of him there. A scar on his hip he told me he got as a kid learning to ride his bike. Another scar on his shoulder from surfing. The freckles on his nose—some familiar, some new.
“You broke my heart.”
He doesn’t say it accusatory. It’s just a statement.
“I know.”
“I was trying to be a good father, a good boyfriend.” He rests his hands on the counter. “I wanted to make you happy, but all I did was ruin us.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
And it wasn’t. Not really. It was me that was the problem. I was too young, too scared, and frankly too depressed. No one can prepare you for how hard motherhood is.
“It feels like it was,” he whispers, not quite meeting my eyes. He glows with a warm, yellow hue beneath the pendant lights above his island. “I’ve went over that time of our lives repeatedly and wondered what I could’ve done differently. I thought once we got past your postpartum depression it would be smooth sailing, but then…” he trails off, shaking his head.
“I couldn’t handle your career,” I finish for him.
“Yeah,” he sighs, turning to give the sauce and pasta a stir before facing me again. “I know it was unexpected, but I love this,” he admits. “The modeling and acting, but especially the acting.”
“I know.” I saw it then, how much joy it brought him, and it’s why I couldn’t let him give it up for me.
“But I love you and Roe more.” It doesn’t escape my notice that he uses present tense. “I would’ve walked away from it. I would’ve gotten a job at fucking McDonald’s if I thought it would make you happy.”
Tears burn my eyes. “I know.”
There’s no doubt in my mind that Spencer Shaw would’ve done whatever he could to make me happy.
“I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted to protect Monroe from this life.”
“There are a lot harsher laws against photographing celebrities’ children now.” He turns and shuts the burners off. “And I wouldneverlet anyone get close to our daughter. Have you seen photos popping up of her anywhere over the years?”
