Page 160 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
“He’s not here.”
He whips around and I jump back from the sudden movement.
“I’m going to fucking kill him,” he curses. “I knew it, I always fucking knew he was trying to get you back. Imagine my surprise when I wake up to a news alert on my phone and it’s a picture of your ex having sex in his car withyou.” I flinch. He laughs harshly, pain and panic warring in his eyes. “You’re not going to deny it?” He says it in a way that I think hewantsme to deny it.
I shake my head and whisper, “No, it was me.”
His face contorts with pain, and I hate myself for being the one who put it there. I feel like all I do anymore is hate myself.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Jae.”
He shakes his head, looking away from me. The muscle in his jaw twitches, bottom lip wobbling, and I know he’s barely holding it together.
“Was this the first time?” he asks. “The only time?”
I close my eyes, because I don’t want to see that hope in his eyes dim. “No.”
A small whimper escapes me at my admission, and he holds back a cry of his own. “When? When did it start?”
“Last Monday.”
“Fuck!” He slams the side of his fist into the wall. “Fuck!” he screams again. “Why did you say yes?” He looks down at my hand. “Do you even want to marry me?”
My eyes burn with unshed tears. “I was taken by surprise. I was still wrapping my head around what happened with Spencer and how to tell you about it. I wasn’t expecting you to propose. After last night…” I shake my head. “I knew I couldn’t go through with this. I love you too much for that.”
A humorless laugh escapes him. “This is what you call love?”
I flinch. “I deserve that.”
“Yeah, you do, because clearly how much you love me didn’t factor in one time while you were fucking your ex.”
“I didn’t plan for this to happen.”
“Oh, Harlow,” he drawls sarcastically. “I’m ecstatic to hear that. That makes it all better.”
I scrub my hands over my face. “I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m owning what I’ve done, but I’m just saying that it wasn’t like I’d been plotting to do this or something.”
“I forgave you,” he says brokenly. “I forgave you for the kiss and then you do this.”
“I know and I’m so sorry.”
His chest shakes with uneven breaths. “I love you, but I can’t … I can’t do this. I can’t get pastthis.”
I nod in understanding. I didn’t expect him to. Frankly, I don’t want him to, because I don’t deserve his forgiveness. Even if he wanted to forgive, forget, and move onIcan’t do that. Every time I would look at him, I would know what I’ve done.
I tug the diamond ring off my finger and hold it out to him.
He looks at it with such crippling pain, like with me handing it back every hope and dream he had for our future is disappearing right before his eyes.
“Keep it,” he says.
I shake my head and grab his hand, depositing the ring on his palm. “No. It wouldn’t be right. See if you can return it.”
He slides the ring in his pocket. Wiping a tear from his cheek, he asks me, “How did it end up like this? Things were so good.”
“I don’t know. I know that’s a horrible answer, but I don’t.”
“Is there something I could’ve done?”
