Page 162 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
She’s right, I know she’s right, but I can’t help but feel so incredibly guilty for the two men I’ve destroyed.
“Rest up.” She pats my knee. “I’m going to bring you some tea.”
She eases out of the bed, and I roll over, grabbing one of Monroe’s stuffed animals and clutching it to my chest.
My life has imploded in the past few hours, but the truth is, it did that the moment I kissed Spencer all those weeks ago. Nothing was ever going to go back to normal after that.
My mom returns with the tea a little bit later.
“Stay here as long as you need to. Rest. I’ll pick up Monroe like usual and if you want to stay all night you can do that too.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I take a sip of the tea.
She pats my shoulder. “You’ll get through this.”
I know I will, but at this moment, it feels like it’s going to be a long time before I feel normal again.
It’s well after dinner, and I’m curled in my bed with a sleeping Roe when the door to my childhood bedroom eases open and my dad pokes his head inside. I told my mom it was okay for her to tell him. It’s not like he wouldn’t recognize me in the photos if he comes across them.
I’m never going to recover from the embarrassment of those being out in the world.
“Spencer’s here.” He stares intently, like he’s trying to see how that statement hits me. “Do you want to talk to him? I’ll send him away if you want, but I wouldn’t put it past the kid tosleep in his car in the driveway, so I’m not sure you can avoid him.”
“I’ll talk to him.”
My dad’s right, I can’t avoid him, not with Monroe involved, and I’d rather get this out in the open.
Extracting myself from Monroe’s grip, I follow my dad downstairs.
“He’s out back.” He points to the doors the lead to our outdoor space and the beach beyond. “Good luck, kid.” He claps me on the shoulder.
I take a deep breath and count to five before I open the door. Spencer paces back and forth but freezes when he sees me. He looks rough—exhausted and edged in panic. His hair is a mess.
“I had to be on set early and then I was working late and when I went to your apartment your car wasn’t there, so I came here and…” He trails off with a shrug. “Are you okay? Does Jameson know?”
“I’m as okay as I can be,” I reply on a sigh, wrapping my arms around myself. The warm summer breeze stirs my hair around my shoulders. “And yes, he knows.”
“Did he … what happened?”
I shrug as we fall into step side by side. By unspoken agreement we head toward the ocean. I think the beach and water has always felt like our place, like a source of comfort amidst the chaos of our lives.
“He showed up this morning,” I answer. “I saw your text when I woke up and Willa immediately called. I … I think the worst part is, I was going to break it off with him, confess what happened and apologize, and just … let him know I couldn’t go through with it. I hate that he had to find out like that.”
Warm fingers brush my wrist and urge me to stop. “I’m so fucking sorry those photos are out there. I didn’t know we’d been followed, but I should’ve known better regardless. I seem to losemy mind around you.” He gives a humorless laugh, dragging the fingers of his other hand through his hair. “But I know that just confirmed one of your fears with my lifestyle. I’m having my team attempt to scrub them, but?—”
“They’re already out there,” I finish for him, and we continue walking until we’re near the water and sit down in the sand.
“Exactly,” he sighs. Picking up a handful of sand, he watches it sift through his fingers. “Are you sad? About Jameson? I never…” He rubs his jaw. “Look, you know how I feel about you, so sure, I wasn’t thrilled about you having a guy in your life that you were serious about, but he’s not a bad guy, and I feel like shit that my choices hurt him.”
“They weren’t just your choices. They were mine, too.” I grow quiet for several minutes and finally say, “Yeah, I’m a little sad, but mostly I’m angry at myself for fucking everything up so royally. I let my confusion hurt a good person. What if a great girl comes along for him and he can’t trust her because of what I did? That’s…” I shake my head. “That would be terrible, because he’s great and has so much love to give, and I’m just sorry he chose wrong with me.”
“He didn’t choose wrong, Harlow.”
“No, he did.” Tears burn my eyes. “Because deep down I think I always knew that I can’t be whole without you, but I was selfish enough to try.”
His head whips in my direction and I can tell I’ve taken him by surprise.
“Don’t … don’t read too much into that.” I wave a hand in his direction like I can Etch-A-Sketch erase his thoughts. “I’m not ready to be in a relationship after everything. I … I need time. I don’t expect you to wait for me.”
