Page 189 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
“Yeah,” I say, hoping I don’t pass out from flight anxiety when the time comes, because that would be embarrassing.
He sets down the dry utensils and pulls me in for a bone crushing hug that has the air leaving my lungs in a rush.
“You have no idea what this means to me,” he whispers in my ear. “No idea.”
Since we haven’t been together, we’ve split the holidays however suited us best at the time. Whether that was one of us getting half the day and other getting the rest of the day. Or one person getting an entire holiday and the other getting the next. But it’s just occurring to me how lonely he might have felt on thetimes he didn’t have Roe. Sure, I always missed her when I didn’t have her for those things, but I did have Jameson.
“Best early Christmas present ever,” he says before he lets me go. “It’s going to be worth it. Just trust me.”
CHAPTER 78
HARLOW
Ihold tight to Monroe’s hand as we walk through LAX. If I thought the traffic around LAX was bad, it’s got nothing on the amount of people inside the airport.
“This way, sweetie.” I direct her to an escalator.
I find the airport overwhelming, but I’m getting around better than I expected. After locating our gate, I let Roe pick out some snacks and a drink while I get a much-needed coffee.
It’s going to be strange not spending the holiday with my parents and sister, because we always get together for Christmas, but Monroe is excited for her first flight and to be with her dad.
Back at the gate, we settle in to wait. I hand Roe her iPad and headphones. I purposely don’t give her a lot of time with electronics, but I’d prefer to keep her distracted, so she doesn’t pick up on my stress. Kids are intuitive, and if she notices I’m freaking out about the flight it might lead her to feel similarly.
I take a sip of my coffee and look around, taking in as much as I can. One thing is for certain; the airport is fantastic for people watching.
My eyes narrow on a familiar figure.
No. He wouldn’t…
The person continues in this direction and looks up, confirming the gate, and my mouth gapes open.
“Spencer?” I mouth.
I blink my eyes rapidly, expecting the man to disappear like a mirage, but no, he’s still there.
He scans the people waiting at the gate and his eyes light up when he spots me. He heads straight for where we sit and yet I’m still expecting him to vanish.
“Can I take this seat?” He points to the empty seat to my right, since I stuck Roe on the end where no one could sit by her.
Monroe gasps and looks up. “Daddy!” She throws her tablet and headphones in my lap and jumps up, wrapping her arms around his legs.
“Hey, sweetie.” He hugs her back.
“What are you doing?” she asks. “We’re on our way to see you.”
He chuckles. “I know.” To me, he says, “I knew you were nervous, and I didn’t want you to have to do your first flight alone. I moved some things around so I could at least fly here and turn around and come back.”
“Spencer,” I breathe, tears filling my eyes.
“Oh, baby.” He crouches down, gentle fingers taking my own. “Please, don’t cry.”
Every time I turn around this man is constantly showing me the ways in which he cares and loves me. I’ve spent years convincing myself I didn’t deserve him. My postpartum depression really did a number on my self-esteem and thought process. Dr. Michaels has opened my eyes to how badly I let my own inner thoughts affect me. Even though things got better for me after my postpartum depression went away, and Spencer and I were together for a while after, it didn’t matter because the damage to my mind had already been done. I convinced myself I was undeserving ofhislove.
My voice is watery when I ask, “Why?”
I already know what he’s going to say before he answers. “Because I love you.”
I take his face between my hands. “I love you, too.”
