Page 58 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
What do you mean that we’re not going to go to college together? That’s what we’ve always planned and now I’m going by myself? That doesn’t seem right.
“And now, Spencer Shaw—T.J.’s best friend—is going to say a few words.”
I look around with wide eyes. Now? We’re already at this point.
I stand and I swear stitches pop in my pants. I feel like I’m suffocating, and I fear I can’t even blame the suit. I pull my notebook paper from the inside pocket of my jacket. It crinkles loudly in the silent church as I ascend the steps. I look over at the casket and my bottom lip wobbles.
Keep it together.
I have to get through this.
For T.J.
I reach the podium and lay my papers down, smoothing out the wrinkled college-rule with a sweep of my hand.
“Hi.” I clear my throat and cringe when my voice echoes around the cavernous space. “For … uh … those that might not know me I’m Spencer. Uh … T.J.’s best friend.” I gulp down my nerves, looking out at the people gathered. His mom sobs into his dad’s shoulder and his older brother, Jasper, looks like he wants to throw up. “I can’t believe I’m up here right now. That this … that this happened.” I know this isn’t coming out eloquently and I haven’t even looked at my speech I wrote, but this is me—my raw and real feelings.
“T.J. has been my best friend for practically as long as I can remember. I never imagined a world without him in it. This … well, it doesn’t seem real.” I laugh humorlessly. “We … uh… were supposed to go to college together, be in each other’s wedding, when I have kids one day he was going to be Uncle T.J. and now … when I do have kids, they’ll never know the guy who grew up at my side, who helped shape me into who I am today.” I have to pause, fighting back my emotions. In front of me Jasper is barely holding his emotions at bay. “T.J. was the kind of guy who always made everyone feel welcome and supported, and for that, you should be proud.” I direct my statement to his parents. “And his brother has always served as a role model for himself and even for me.”
Jasper covers his face and I’m forced to look away. There, far in the back, I spot Harlow. Shock rattles through me at seeing her. I wasn’t expecting her to be here.
“There’s always going to be a hole in my life left from T.J. that I’ll never be able to fill and that’s okay. I never want to forget him. He’ll always be a part of me and I…”
Fuck, my throat closes up.
“I hope wherever he is, that he knows I love him. That he’s loved by so many.”
I step back, crumpling the speech I didn’t give in my hands and return to my seat as the funeral wraps up.
When it’s time to carry his casket out, and load it into the hearse, I think I might truly be sick. I didn’t want to do it, but I couldn’t say no when his mom asked. Beside me, Jasper sobs softly.
The closing of the door feels so fucking final.
I can’t do it.
I can’t.
I just fuckingcan’t.
Taking off in a sprint, I leave behind the gasps and questions of where I’m going. My mom yells for me and I keep going. Down the street and then the whole block and I keep going until I reachthe beach. I collapse into the sand on all fours, my body heaving because I can’t get enough air.
I’m suffocating. I rip at my collar, undoing a button, then the next, and then more until I’m ripping off the jacket and shirt and tearing off my tie with it.
A few people nearby look at me in horror—probably tourists—but I don’t care.
He’s gone.
He’s not coming back.
A sound comes out of me—one akin to a dying animal.
I’m not sure how long I’m there, gripping the sand in my fists like I can hold on and not like it just sifts through my fingers, before Harlow sits down beside me.
She places a gentle hand on my back and doesn’t say a word.
She’s justthere.
It takes me a few minutes, but I manage to rein in my breaths and then sit down on my butt. Her hand falls away and settles in the sand beside me. I quickly reach for it and twine our fingers together. Her touch grounds me and brings me back to earth.
