Page 82 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
“Jameson,” I gasp his name as I climb out of bed. I pace back and forth in the short length of my room. “No. Just no.”
“Why aren’t you happy about this?” he asks, genuine confusion filling his voice. “I thought … I mean, isn’t this serious between us? I thought a house would make the most sense for us. I’m here most nights anyway and we could have a yard for Monroe.”
I cover my face with my hands and turn away from him before I burst into tears.
This isn’t about him.
It’s aboutmeand the fact that the last thing I want in the world is to be dependent on a man. It’s why I hated it so much when Spencer started making more than just enough to get by. The disparity between us felt too vast and I didn’t want to feel indebted to him. Logically, I know he would’ve never wanted me to feel that way, the same way I know Jameson isn’t thinking of it in that way. But I can’t help the way I feel. I don’t have much, really nothing I can give to help, it would behishouse not mine. I want things to be equal. Is that so terrible of me?
“Hey, hey,” Jameson soothes, pulling me into his arms and against his chest. “Don’t cry. Please, don’t fucking cry. That’s the last thing I want. I thought this was a good thing. Fuck, I’m sorry. I should’ve … I don’t know. Forget the house. I won’t bring it up again.”
I shake my head against his chest.
I feelhorriblethat this is my reaction, and I want to explain myself, but I need to get control of my emotions first.
Jameson holds me in his arms until my tears are dry.
“Are you okay now?” he asks, holding my face between his hands and looking me over.
“I’m okay and I…” My eyes drop to the stained carpet between our socked feet. “This isn’t about not wanting to live with you. It wouldn’t feel right. I don’t have money in savings for a down payment and I’m barely able to afford rent as it is. I don’t want you to pay for everything. I know you would,” I add when he opens his mouth to protest. “I know you wouldn’t think twice about it. But it’s not what I want. I want to feel like we’re on the same level. I’ve been through this before and I … I don’t know why it triggers me, but it does. If you’re serious about buying a house with me, I’d rather be able to save and hopefully be able to split the down payment and bills.”
“I’m sorry.” He takes my face in his hands. I hate that he’s apologizing. He doesn’t have anything to be sorry for. “I should’ve known.”
“It’s okay.”
He gives my arms a gentle squeeze. “No more talks of houses. We’ll just keep things as they are for now.”
“For now,” I echo.
CHAPTER 27
SPENCER
EIGHT YEARS AGO
Graduation comes and goes with no pomp and circumstance—since to my mom’s dismay I refuse to have a party or do anything. I have other friends, sure, but T.J. was mybestfriend. I don’t want to celebrate without him.
“Did you not like the movie?” Harlow asks, sipping the last dregs of her soda and tossing it in the trash on our way out. “You seem annoyed.”
I wince. “I’m sorry if I’m coming across that way. I’m just…”
She stops me with a gentle hand on my elbow. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”
“But I want to,” I say as we reach my car. I open the passenger door for her, and she climbs inside.
Sliding in myself, I crank the engine, but I don’t make a move to back out.
“I can’t stop thinking about T.J.”
She reaches over and rubs the back of my neck. “He was your best friend. Of course you’re still thinking about him.”
I swallow the lump lodged in my throat. “I’m not sure I want to go to college anymore.” I finally voice the thought that’s been plaguing me. “T.J. wouldn’t be there. We were supposed to gotogether and I…” I pause, gathering my thoughts. “I feel like such a different person now.”
Her fingers softly caress the hair at my nape. “Trauma changes people. I’ve seen it with my sister. But Spencer, don’t you think he’d still want you to go?”
I grip the wheel until my knuckles turn white. “Yeah,” I croak out. “He would.”
She rests her hand against my cheek, and I turn my head to kiss her palm.
