Page 128 of Conform
“They are the ones drugging Minors. How is that better?”
“Because they have the power and are spared. Anything is better than this,” Lo declared.
“What if the Underworld is better?” I asked, my voice small.
“Funny, Emeline.”
“I’m serious. What if there’s something more down there. Haven’t you ever asked Becca?” I whispered.
“Of course not. She wears blue.” Lo scoffed, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “What could be better down there?”
“Freedom.”
“Freedom,” Lo exclaimed, her brows disappearing. “Freedom in living hidden underground, taking out the garbage? That’s not freedom. That’s prison.”
The Illum were smart—convincing all the Minors there was nothing below, so we only ever looked up. It was enough for most of them, but it had never been enough for me.
“And if Gregory never cares for you, if you never care for him? What if you are a horrible match and only ever tolerate each other?” I pleaded.
“Then I will tolerate it with a smile in a gown and jewels around my neck. I will not become my mother. You said you find Collin attractive; focus on that.” She grabbed my hands. “We are doing this together, just like we wanted. It’s almost curfew. Let’s talk tomorrow.”
She released my hands, making to leave. She hesitated, her hand wrapped around the doorknob. “You know, for someone who says they want to stay down here, you sayMinors,notus.”
“What?” Her statement pulled me from my despair.
“You don’t sayusanymore. You sayMinorslike you aren’t one,” Lo said, her blue eyes piercing me.
“I sayEliteandMajorstoo,” I countered.
“Right, so where do you belong if you don’t align with any of us?” Lo asked, then left.
Where did I belong? Certainly not among those following rules to become a vessel. After last night there wasn’t a place for me in the clouds. Collin might have been forgiving before but surely he would eliminate me if he found out about Hal. Even if he didn’t—I couldn’t . . . I couldn’t continue with our contract. Something buried deep down, the same thing that left me unable to untangle my thoughts and my body’s reaction to his presence, protested. I buried it deeper. I had seen an end to it—to him.
Beneath? Did I belong in blue in the Underworld? Would my life have been better if I had been assigned to blue from birth? If my mother hadn’t intervened, would I have landed among my own? My chest ached viciously. If I belonged below, would I ever find out how she truly felt about me or what she had endured? And what of Nora, Gregory, the Starlings, Lo . . . Could I walk away from them all?
I’m whoever I choose to be.
My fingers toyed with my wrist, where the chip hid beneath the glow. Would Thea, the healer Hal mentioned, know how to remove it without me dying?
The choice felt impossible.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
IN THE ARCHIVES I STARED AT A PAINTING OF A THIN WOMANin a pale pink dress crawling in the grass toward a house in the distance. The painting seemed sad, the colors muted. I hadn’t heard from or seen anyone since the ball two days ago, and my thoughts had endlessly circled around what my next move would be.
“What do you think happened to her?”
I spun to see Hal leaning against my doorway. “Hal!” I exclaimed, moving toward him.
“Moonlight.” He wrapped his arms around me.
“That’s enough, you two,” drawled Barrett, making his way into my office. He looked at the painting. “Isn’t it obvious? She’s unable to make it home.”
“Do you think she actually wants to go home?” I asked.
“We don’t have time to pontificate about ancient art,” Hal told us.
“Another time,” Barrett commented, winking at me.
