Page 137 of Conform
“Moonlight.” I flinched at the word. “Emeline, listen to me. Let me explain.”
“Explain what? That you knew exactly who I was before you showed up in my office, that none of this was by accident. That I was researched so you could find out how best to manipulate me.” My fists clenched at my sides. “Make her care.You succeeded, Hal.”
“It’s not like that. We thought—”
I didn’t hear the rest of his statement. His use ofwesent me reeling as I was assaulted by all the things I had missed.
“They were all in on this?” I asked.
“Yes. I mean, no—not everyone was for it, but we got sick of waiting,” Hal said, running his hands through his hair.
“Waiting for what, Hal?”
He remained silent, a look in his eyes I had never seen before. Helplessness.
You met her by chance?Kane had asked Hal when I first came to the Underworld.You do her no justice keeping her in the dark,Barrett had told Hal in my office. Gerald had known my name.You owe me twenty marks,Barrett had said. I hadn’t known I was what they were betting on.
Each revelation felt like a battering ram to my heart. They had all known. I was a fool.
Make her care.But it was more than that. What I felt for Hal—I had been running from it for a while. I had known in that closet. That beautiful expansive thing in my chest I had contemplated falling into collapsed on itself. An endless chasm, hollow and desolate. I slammed into it, sucked into its incessant depths until it swallowed me whole. My chest broke open, and emptiness slithered in. It had all been a lie.
“Look, I wrote all that before I ever met you. We found out that you might be the Illum’s Mate several moons ago. I thought you could help us work from within. Get us information from Collin. The Illum have been impossible to infiltrate.”
“By making me care about you? By manipulating me?”
“By making you agreeable to the cause,” Hal clarified—like it meant something different.
“Because I was someone you were willing to hurt,” I said, repeating his words from only minutes before.
“Emeline, you were a job.”
Collin’s words crashed into me.Yes—you are a job, Emeline.
“I fully intended to go through with it,” Hal continued, “but then I got to know you. I realized you meant something to me. I couldn’t lose another thing I love.”
His declaration sat between us—too big for the room. “You love me?” I whispered.
“Yes, I do. That wasn’t part of the plan.” Hal stepped toward me. “I fell in love with you.”
I hated that words that would have meant everything to me moments ago only served to break me now.
“That’s why you didn’t want me involved, why you kept telling me it was dangerous, why you told everyone the Illum’s Mate was off-limits?” I asked, watching as Hal closed the distance between us.
“Yes. I didn’t want you involved. I needed you away from this and safe. If Collin found out you were helping us . . . the things they might do to you . . . I didn’t want to lose you. I couldn’t lose you.” Hal cupped my face gently.
“Why did you tell me to be his Mate after?” I asked, willing my voice not to break.
“You seem determined to help. Nothing I say—nothing I do—stops you. You wouldn’t listen to me. Just being his Mate mitigates the risk while letting you help. If you do what he wants, you’re safe.”
My hand came up to the hand upon my face as I looked at the man before me, truly. I interlaced my fingers with his—squeezing. I clung to him for a moment longer.
“So my safety matters to you?”
“It is everything to me.”
I squeezed his hand one last time before I pulled it from my face, stepping away. “Except when you have something to gain from me breaking their rules, when my risk benefits you physically.”
“That’s not true. I have been protecting you.”
