Page 73 of To Marry and to Meddle
“Violet Audley, there is no cause to be lewd,” Diana said sternly, which had the effect of reducing Violet to indignant sputters, considering who was admonishing her. Emily rather suspected that this had been Diana’s entire aim, since she wasted little time in redirecting her attention toward Emily herself.
“You hardly look like a woman who’s enjoyed a healthy romp between the sheets,” she said bluntly. “You look positively ill. Whatever is wrong?”
“Nothing,” Emily said, but even to her own ears it was a patheticallyunconvincing attempt at a protest. She sighed, then cast a quick glance around the room. Julian was deep in discussion with Bridgeworth and West, while Penvale and Bridgeworth’s wife, Jemma, seemed to have hit it off. Lord James, Lord Willingham, and Sophie were chatting with evident enthusiasm before the mantel, while Emily’s parents and Julian’s seemed to be making polite conversation. This Emily watched with some trepidation, before abandoning it as a bad job—she couldn’t hear what they were saying, and if her parents were saying something awful about her to Julian’s parents, there wasn’t anything she could do about it.
All of this meant, however, that Violet, Emily, and Diana did indeed have a brief moment of privacy in which to speak.
“Julian has mended things with his father,” she said quietly, so quietly that her friends leaned closer to hear her.
“But that is a good thing, is it not?” Violet asked, her brow wrinkling in confusion.
“It is,” Emily assured her, hating every single thought inside her head, thoughts which suddenly felt so petty and mean and selfish. “And their reconciliation seems to have made Julian realize that he does not need to be so fixated on propriety.”
“Which is also a good thing?” Diana suggested.
“It is!” Emily agreed hastily.
“But…?” Diana prompted.
“But nothing,” Emily said, trying desperately to project an air of cheerful goodwill that she knew would not fool her friends for a second. “I’m delighted that he’s come to this realization.” She adopted a breezy, casual tone. “Of course, it means that the terms we agreed to upon marrying no longer really apply, and that he doesn’t necessarily require a wife who will gain him the approbation of society, but that’s all right. I always knew that we might not need to spend much timetogether, once our aims had been achieved. He’s welcome to seek pleasure elsewhere, now that we needn’t try so hard to appear the perfect society couple.”
She hoped her voice hadn’t cracked anywhere during that little speech, but she couldn’t say for certain. She was suddenly feeling rather warm, she realized; her cheeks felt dreadfully hot, and she wished she had something to fan herself with.
“Emily,” Violet said slowly, reaching out to grip Emily by the elbows and turn her so that her back was to the rest of the room, “have you discussed this with Belfry?”
“No,” Emily said, continuing in that dreadful tone of feigned breeziness that even to her own ears sounded quite horrible. “There’s nothing to discuss, of course.”
Was there something wrong with her vision? Why were things suddenly looking blurry?
“Here,” Diana said quietly, pressing a handkerchief into Emily’s hand. She was about to protest that she needed no such thing, when all at once she realized that by blinking she had caused the tears that were blurring her gaze to spill over and splash down her cheeks.
Quickly, she pressed the handkerchief to her face, not daring a glance over her shoulder to see if anyone had noticed.
“All right,” Violet said, her tone suddenly firm and businesslike. “Emily, I don’t wish to upset you further—watching you cry is rather like watching a baby deer wander about looking for its mother—”
“Excuse me?” Emily began indignantly; she was sufficiently indignant, in fact, that her vision cleared, the film of tears receding, for which she supposed she should be grateful, at least.
Violet, however, ignored her interruption. “—but you do realize that you’re in love with Belfry, don’t you?”
“OfcourseI do,” Emily hissed, beginning to get truly angry now. Did everyone think she was a complete idiot? “How could I possibly have failed to realize that, given that I am weeping in mixed company?”
“All right, all right,” Violet said a bit defensively. “But you’ve never admitted as much, and I thought it possible you hadn’t made that connection yet.”
“I most certainly have,” Emily said, still nettled, “but it doesn’t matter, because I can’t ever tell him! This wasn’t our bargain! We had a perfectly reasonable agreement, and I’ve gone and ruined it byfalling in love.”
“You’re starting to sound like me,” Diana said cheerfully. “I promise you, Jeremy has only made me cry once—love isn’t all bad.”
“Do you not think it possible that Belfry might be in love with you, too?” Violet asked Emily. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you—and when the two of you are speaking together, you seem terribly—well…” She trailed off, clearly searching for the most appropriate word.
“Married?” Diana suggested.
“Precisely,” Violet said.
“He’s merely playing the role of dutiful husband,” Emily said, but even as she uttered the words, she wasn’t certain of their truth.Wasthat merely what he was doing? His behavior toward her publicly could certainly be explained away in such a fashion, but what about when they were alone? Whiling away an evening in the library before the fire, or in the peaceful sanctity of their bed at night? There was no one around to witness Julian’s performance of a doting husband, and yet it was no less convincing than it was when they were around others.
The way he spoke with her, the way he listened to her, the way he kissed her—and more… it was all very like how he might behave if theirs was a love match. If he loved her.
“Are you certain?” Violet asked gently.
