Page 30 of Christmas Is All Around
“Anyway, she was, like, a dairy maid—”
“I’m sorry—was this historical?”
“Nope. She was amoderndairy maid.”
“I’m starting to regret having slept through this.”
“Just wait. She found out that she was the only heiress to a distant relative, and she inherited his house on Sloane Square—”
“Was her distant relative a duke?”
“No. Just a humble man of mystery with some sort of wealth that was probably gained through investing in Russian oil companies or something. Wholesome stuff.”
“So she inherited his house,” Graham prompted, and Charlotte knew she had him.
“But there was a codicil in the will that meant that shehadto spend the entire month of December in the house every year or she’d forfeit her inheritance, because the distant relative had had no family and desperately wanted his house toexperience the magic of the Christmas seasonagain.”
“Please tell me that was a direct quote.”
“It was. I googled it. Anyway,” she said, as he choked on a laugh, “she moves into her mansion, charms the entire staff that works there,Beauty and the Beast–style—to put it in parlance that you’d understand—”
“Fuck off.”
“And then she falls in love with the house’s caretaker, who turns out to be aEuropean prince in disguise—”
“From which country?” he asked, nonplussed.
She waved her hand. “One of the fake ones they make up for Hallmark movies, which always seem to be some sort of French/Swiss/Austrian/Italian mash-up, and are named, like, Grimovia or something.”
“Why is he in disguise as a caretaker in a square in Belgravia?”
“To escape his royal destiny.”
“But how did he end up in this specific house?”
“Don’t worry about it. The first rule of Hallmark movies is not to ask too many questions; the entire thing cracks like an egg under the slightest bit of scrutiny.Anyway, the climactic scene is when she realizes that he’s a prince and not a humble caretaker, and she declares that shecannot be with him, not because he lied to her, but because of her unfailing loyalty to her own royal family—”
“And this girl’s fromWales?” he asked with an incredulous snort. “Didn’t realize there were so many ardent millennial royalists in Wales.”
“Did you notjusthear me? You don’t question the internal logic of a Hallmark movie! So she flees from the mansion in tears, and he chases her through the streets of London—”
“On foot?”
“Yes. They’re running the entire time. She’s apparently half a block ahead at all times—I found an entire Reddit thread dedicated to discussion of her footwear in this scene—and they make it to Trafalgar Square—”
“From Belgravia? That’s got to be two miles.”
“Well, they’re very fit, clearly, from all the stairs in the mansion. And he catches up to her in front of the Christmas tree, and he tells her that he’s going torenounce his claim to the throneso that they can get married and stay in London. And eventually, he’ll get British citizenship.”
“Is this pro-Brexit propaganda?” he asked suspiciously.
“Unclear. If you squint, you could almost call it a heartwarming tale of immigration and assimilation.”
“Christ almighty. I cannot believe Eloise wanted this film to be included in this series.”
“From what I can tell, it waswildlypopular.” She reached into her pouch of drawing pencils for a fresh one; glancing up, she saw that Graham, sitting next to her on the bench they’d claimed, looked horrified. “It’s nice to see that Americans don’t have a monopoly on movies like this,” she said, feeling suddenly quite cheerful.
“Can we please acknowledge how disturbing it is that you are describing this god-awful piece of media so gleefully? IlikeChristmas, but feel offended on behalf of the holiday just listening to this.”
