Page 61 of Christmas Is All Around
“Watching a mediocre Christmas movie and then hooking up on your sofa?” she asked hopefully.
“You leave in…” He paused, mentally counting. “Ten days.”
She felt every one of those ten days like a weight in her stomach. “I know.”
“Does this feel like a holiday romance to you?”
“You know, it’s funny because it isbotha holiday romance, because that’s what you call a vacation, andalsoaliteralholiday romance, because it’s three days before Christmas and my life appears to be sponsored by the Hallmark Channel now.”
“Charlotte.”
She sighed. “No,” she said softly. “But… well, I didn’t come here looking for this.”
His mouth quirked up. “I promise you I didn’t escape into my favorite hiding place at Eden Priory last month looking for this, either. But…”
“But?” she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral, not as though she were hoping for him to say anything in particular—because, still, she didn’t quite understandwhatshe wanted him to say.
“But I don’t want this to end,” he said, and she wished, in that moment, that she’d been brave enough to say it first—because no sooner were the words out of his mouth than she realized that she felt the exact same way.
“I have to go back to New York,” she said, her heart racing at the intensity carved into every line of his face as he looked at her. “This meeting—it’s important. I can’t miss it. And my whole life is there.” Except, of course, it wasn’t. Ava and Kit were here; her parents were in LA; even Padma and Andrew were no longer close enough for impromptu weeknight hangouts. Parts of her life were in New York—but she wondered, now, if she wasn’t using that as an excuse, because she was too afraid of what this might be between them, of the fact that an increasingly large part of her life might behereinstead.
“I know that,” he said, reaching out to take her hand. His thumb rubbed a soothing pattern against her palm, and she felt, in this moment, that she would do anything—give anything—if only he wouldn’t let go of her hand again. “I don’t want you to give up your life—I don’t want you to give upanything,” he said fiercely. “I’m not…” He trailed off, clearly weighing his words, and then said, “I’m not your ex. I don’t want you because of what you do. I don’t want you because your family is famous, or you were in a film once, or you’re abrilliant, talented artist who has created her own business no matter what her family thinks. I like all of those things about you, but… I just want you because you’reyou.” His grip on her hand was tight, now, but she still didn’t want him to let go—and she couldn’t bring herself to look away.
She swallowed against all the words rising in her throat, trying to work out how to say what it was that she truly meant, in a way that he’d understand. And then realized—trusted—that he’d understand anyway, even if she didn’t get it out perfectly, because he was like that. And because he knew her.
And that, she was realizing now, was what she’d been longing for, for so long.
“After Craig and I broke up,” she said quietly, never moving hereyes from his face, “for a long time, I sort of… retreated back into myself. I was determined to never put myself in a situation like that ever again—I was going to do everything myself, not rely on anyone else, not be a… aburdento anyone, ever. And it was good for me, for a while—I felt like I’d built a life of my own, without a partner, and I was determined to not risk anything that might ruin that. But…” She paused, considering her words carefully, but he didn’t press her—just watched her quietly, his hand still holding hers.
“But after a while,” she continued at last, “I think it started to feel…toosafe. And when Padma got married and moved to the suburbs earlier this year, it really knocked me off-balance, because it felt like things were changing, were unsettled, and I hadn’t agreed to it. This might be why theChristmas, Trulything freaked me out so badly—I was already feeling sort of unsettled.” She shrugged. “I’ve been realizing this all, since I’ve been here—this is the longest I’ve spent away from New York since I moved back from college. And I miss my apartment, and my friends, and my life—because Idolike it, and I’m proud of the life I’ve built for myself, but…” She glanced down, then glanced back up at him again, very directly. “It’s justalife. It’s been a good one in my twenties, but it doesn’t have to be forever. If something—someone—came along and made me want to change it. Maybe take a risk or two.”
“I don’t want to be a risk, you know,” he said, leaning forward now to cup her cheek with his hand, his expression almost unbearably tender. “I don’t want to hurt you—I don’t want to be some ass who blows up your life.”
“I know you don’t,” she agreed. “Or I wouldn’t be here right now.”
“But,” he added, “I don’t want you to be afraid to—to need me. To lean on me. I don’t like you because I think you’re calm, or steady, or whatever role it is you played in your family, in that relationship. I want to be with you, whatever you’re feeling.”
“It feels… risky,” she said softly, looking down at her lap. “I haven’t let myself need anyone else for so long—I’m scared to get used to it, I guess.” She took a deep breath, and glanced up to meet his eyes again. “But I think… I’m willing to risk it. For you.”
“Good,” he said in a low voice. “Because I already worked out, about a week ago, that there’s not much I wouldn’t risk for you.” It was so quiet, so simple, so sneakily devastating that it took a moment for the ache in her chest to even register. He wiped her cheek with his thumb.
“I’m not crying,” she informed him as he lowered his face to hers.
“Not anymore,” he agreed, and then he kissed her and made the words true.
CHRISTMAS EVE
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Hi, Charlotte.” Lizzie met her at the door to Eden Priory on Tuesday afternoon, wearing all black and looking somewhat glum.
“Hi, Lizzie,” Charlotte said, a bit hesitant. “Everything all right?”
Lizzie heaved a dramatic sigh. “I thought we should have shownThe Nightmare Before Christmasfor this.”
Charlotte blinked. “A Halloween movie?”
Lizzie looked outraged. “It’s not aHalloweenfilm, it’s aChristmasfilm!”
