Page 6 of Truth
Taking a hand out of his pocket, he reaches for me. “It’s okay, don’t be embarrassed. I meant that I loved your body, in your clothes. Wow, I don’t know what to say, but I’m flattered.”
I try to keep smiling, but I feel humiliated. How did I read that all wrong? I try to pull my hand away, but he holds it tighter.
“But Drew, I definitely feel more than ‘like’ for you. I’m crazy about you, and I want that in our future, but honestly, it’s stuff like this tonight that holds me back. I need you to be willing to follow my lead. I want you to accept my help. I don’t want to make you feel bad, but you’re constantly devaluing my opinion, and that kind of pushback could be a deal breaker for me. I want a wife one day, and there are different expectations in my world. Expectations you don’t know how to navigate.”
My eyes start to tear. I just said I loved him, and now he’s breaking up with me because I can’t stop being the boss. Why am I pushing him away? I wanted this and I’m sucking at it. Goddammit. How am I so successful and a such a failure simultaneously?
“I’ll make more of an effort. I want to make this work. I want you to feel appreciated and trusted. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel the opposite.”
His smile is approving as he leans down and kisses me long and tenderly, running the back of his fingers along my jawline. My eyes open slowly, and for a moment I feel like I’m waking up.
“God, I can’t wait to show you off to my friends. Change quick—I don’t want to be any later.” He pats my hip, moving to give me room to walk past him.
Without pause, I walk into my bedroom and change. This is right. He’ll love me back; I just need to show him how much I care.
Just reliving that memory leaves a film of regret on my body. I’ve bent and molded myself until I am unrecognizable. I hate the person I’ve so easily become. I’ve let this relationship chip away parts of me. No, I’ve chipped them away, trying to turn myself into the version Nick wants. Fuck Nick.
Somewhere during the year we’ve dated, I decided he was the prize and I was just the consolation. Unfortunately, I also decided self-respect was something I would trade for his approval. But I’m done—he doesn’t want me; he wants a trophy. Something that complements him. I’ve come to realize that I’m just an extension of his ego.
I’m yanked from my spiral by Nick’s voice. “What can I do you for this afternoon? I’m busy, Drew.”
“Well, someone’s in a good mood. Listen, I’m calling you to talk about this invitation I just received for Tink’s bachelorette.” I scrunch my face, realizing that I used the nickname Gretchen and I gave Tina. It’s fitting because she’s twenty-two, petite, blonde, and acts like a toddler, and toddlers love all things Disney, so Tinkerbell was born. She’s also the “girlfriend” who picked out the gold hooker dress.
“Really, Drew? I wish you would be nicer. You don’t always have to be the bitch.”Here we go.
“Don’t call me that! It’s just a nickname, but in all fairness, she’s about the same age as Tinkerbell…sooo…” I’m not apologizing. I’ll die on this mountain if need be.
“It’s meant to make fun of her—so what if she’s younger than the rest of us? It’s only by ten years, and they love each other. That’s all that matters. You should support that. I’m disappointed you would be so immature.”
Now he’s altruistic?
“I’m not going to argue about maturity level when she sent me a vase of dicks as an invitation to the bachelorette party. I’m not going. I’m not trying to be a difficult; it just isn’t for me, Nick. Plus I have a ton of things to research for a new potential client. I know Patrick is your friend and you want me to be her friend but no, just no.” Sighing, I give away my frustration.
“Loosen up! Why wouldn’t you go? Like you said, you know this is an important friend for me. Jesus, does it always have to be about you? I am making huge strides at this company, and if I want to get myself seen as a leader, I need to know the right people. Tina likes you, so get over yourself and go. I would think that you’d want another opportunity to prove you aren’t what she thinks you are.” God, he always knows where to twist the knife.
My voice raises. “Are you kidding right now? I am not a selfish person—I care about your career, but I care about mine too. I can still be supportive without spending my weekend with a bunch of girls I don’t know doing shots and dancing on tables. If that’s what I have to do to be accepted, then I’ll be friendless. Why are you being so unreasonable?” Pushing away from my desk, I stand to pace.
“Me, unreasonable? That’s rich. You’re just being small-minded. You’ve been like this since we met, and I understand that you worked for everything you’ve gotten, and you didn’t grow up around people like this, but I did. You don’t understand how you need to negotiate these relationships. Must you always fight against me when I’m trying to help you?”
“Help me? Help me do what, Nick? Because last I checked I’m running a company and coming home at a reasonable hour and I don’t smell like dick. I won’t pander to your inability to move past where you are in your career. I’m not playing myself down or doing you any favors. You want Tina to say nice things to Patrick, then why don’t you go to the damn party.”
Holy shit, that felt good! I’m not sure where it came from, but I know I need more of it. My heart is beating so fast I can barely concentrate on what’s being said because I just drew a big-ass line in the sand, and it very well may be the spot I bury him in.
Feeling confident, I return my focus back to the conversation.
“Wow, I’m glad that all this time I was worried that you felt like I was unsuccessful, but I always told myself that you would never judge me. You love me, you’re supposed to be proud of me. I’m glad to know how you really feel.”
The familiar feeling of guilt wells in the pit of my stomach. In my bravado I hadn’t considered the weight of my words. “Nick, I’m sorry. But you know I am proud of you, and you know that I love you. Sometimes I feel like you ask things of me that are unreasonable. It makes me feel small.”
“Drew, give me one example of when I have asked you to do something that hurt our relationship…”
“Well, that’s tricky because you ask things of me that when done make you happy, but I’m not sure where my happiness fits into that equation.”
“Do you hear yourself? You’re solely talking about your happiness. A relationship is about two people. I just don’t understand why can’t you do this for us? Do you love me?”
“Of course, but sometimes I come first. Sometimes you have to be about me, Nick.”
“Fine, Drew, you stay. I’m sure there are other ways to coerce Tina into my good graces. I’ll think outside the box…” My eyes grow wide with surprise at his insinuation. That was a threat. I can hear it twisted around his words like a snake.
