Page 7 of Truth
“Are you threatening me with Tina? Are you saying you would come on to her or be flirtatious?” I’m in disbelief. He wouldn’t, would he?He absolutely would…
“Get your mind out of the gutter. Jesus, you can take the girl out of Oakland… Although, I’m sureherpussy wouldn’t be as frigid.”
“Fuck you.” I smack the phone down on my desk, secretly hoping I didn’t break it but understanding the irony if I did. I just keep breaking the pieces of myself while I run away from the real problem.
Three Months Ago
“No, Gretch, he still isn’t home…” She’s in rare form tonight questioning me about Nick. He’s out more and more with his work buddies since getting a promotion, but corporate America comes with a lot of pressures. It’s the loosest of excuses, but I’m hanging on by a thread, and every time she pushes, I feel like the tear in the wallpaper somebody keeps picking at until the paper is torn, revealing all the destruction underneath.
He’s the guy I love, but I always seem to be sabotaging my own happiness. First, I’m not available enough, so I make myself available more, but now it’s been a month since I’ve seen my friend. Then I’m condescending because my success makes him feel small, so I downplay what my role at my company is when we hang out with his friends. I know that once he finds an equal footing, he won’t ask me to do this for him. Because that’s what you do for people you love—you sacrifice and compromise. I just want him to know I love him.
I walk to the fridge and grab a bottle of water, pulling the phone away from my ear as I chug the cool water down my throat. I don’t want to put the phone back, but I do, only to hear silence.
“Hello, hello? Gretchen, you there?”
“Yes, I was just waiting for you to stop ignoring me.” Well, I guess I’m trying and failing.
“Sorry, but I’m not up for this tonight.”
“Should I schedule a heart-to-heart, since I’m not sure when we may have another?”
“Jesus, he’s just trying to find his way at his company. It’s hard to find your footing, and he’s pushing hard to stay noticed and relevant. You of all people should understand. I’m trying to be understanding and let him figure it out.” Why can’t she just leave it? I hate her for getting in my head.
“So, give him advice. Don’t excuse shitty-boyfriend treatment, Drew.”
“I’m not, but it’s hard for him. My success can feel overwhelming for other people. I cast a big shadow.” Cracking my neck, I hope to relieve the tension, but it holds strong.
“What! How sweet—now you’re apologizing for your success?”
“I’m not apologizing for anything! I just don’t have to rub it in his face.”
“I never thought I would see the day. You can’t even see the line in the sand anymore.” Her voice is slathered in sarcasm and disappointment. I hate the disappointment part.
“Gretchen, I’m being understanding. A relationship is about two people. I’ll never be successful if I’m always closed off to compromise.” Toeing off my sneakers from my run in our new neighborhood, I fall back onto the couch and put my phone on speaker as she continues.
“Drew! How do you not see? First off… No, never mind. I can’t say it. I’m tired of saying it.”
I sit in silence to call her bluff. The last couple of months, Gretchen hasn’t been thrilled with my relationship. At first, I believed Nick. I believed she was probably jealous of sharing her best friend with a boyfriend. I knew I was spending all my time with Nick, but he seemed to always have plans for us, and I was excited for his attention. Now with the move into our new suburban hell, it’s really hard to schedule some girl time. I also don’t like these conversations.
Pulling me back from my thoughts, Gretchen’s voice echoes through the phone. “Okay, I’m going to say it. Who are you? You’ve lost your edge. It’s like you’re brainwashed—no, no…it’s like you have split personalities. You come to the office and kick ass every day, and then you leave and turn into his bitch. You’ve become somebody’s bitch.”
Sighing, I let my breath take the last of my fight. I’m done.
“Can we talk about this later? I don’t want to argue with you too. I’m exhausted.”
“No, we can’t. I haven’t seen you in over a month, except at work. I’m worried about you. Where is my friend?”
“Stop worrying; it’s just a rough patch. We’ll get through it.”
“I’m not worried about your fucking relationship status because maybe you shouldn’t make it through. Maybe you should walk away, Drew.”
Sitting up, I can’t believe she is telling me to quit, fail, just walk away.
“Oh, that’s amazing. Aren’t you the person who said I needed a life? ‘Get laid, Drew’…weren’t those your words? Well, here I am trying to have a life. It’s not perfect, but at least I’m trying. Everywhere I turn someone is disappointed in something I decide. I can’t make any of you happy! Just fucking leave me be, Gretchen. I love him and I’m trying.” My voice is sharp at the end.
“I wanted you to have some fun, not lose all your self-respect. Drew, you’ve compromised who you are, for him. What’s he done for you? Are you even happy? Because the girl I know would never put up with any of this nonsense.”
I start to pick at the polish on my nails as I stare down at my hands.
