Page 87 of The Pretender
Turning slightly sideways, I study his face. “We could always try it again. Whenever you want.”
Sadness clouds his eyes, and I don’t have to ask where it’s coming from. He must sense that something is going on with me. Maybe I’m being a selfish prick hiding out with him, getting this close, when we both know it’s not going to end well.
But how do I leave? How do I willingly walk away from a man who has the potential to be the love of my life?
“I’m starving,” Deo says suddenly, sliding out of bed. “I have some cinnamon rolls my mom made. Want one?”
“Sure. That sounds good.” I sit up, dragging my hand through my hair. “Deo, I?—”
“No.” He holds up a hand to stop me. “Don’t ruin it. This was awesome, and it can always stay that way in our memories.”
I nod, biting my tongue. “I’ll clean up real quick and meet you out there.”
“Sounds good.”
Deo disappears into the hallway, leaving me stuck in a nightmare of my own making. I finally meet a guy who checksevery box, but my life is a mess, and if I don’t figure something out, and fast, it’s gonna be over too soon.
TWENTY-FIVE
balthazar
The last threedays have been a blend of paradise and pure hell. I’ve spent the time setting up systems that will help Deo and his family going forward, all while planning the right time to leave. I’ve got five days left before Vin’s deadline, and as I lie in bed next to an incredible man, I know in my heart that to keep him safe, I have to leave.
Thankfully, Deo is a heavy sleeper, so I can creep around the bedroom without him noticing. Throwing my clothes into a gym bag makes this feel ten times worse. There are so many things I still want to do with him—exploring the state, dressing him up, discovering more ways to please him, helping him get the winery up to speed—too many things I have to leave behind to keep him safe.
What I haven’t figured out yet is how I’m going to not get myself killed so I have a chance of seeing him again. That is, if he can forgive me once he knows what kind of man I really am.
It’s nearly three in the morning when I find myself sitting at the small kitchen table with a notebook and pen in my hand. Pushing back any defenses, I spill my guts onto the page, telling Deo how amazing these weeks with him have been, thanking hisfamily for their hospitality, and promising him that someday, if he wants to see me again, I’ll be there.
Then I write the hard part. Now he’ll know why I ran and why I’m leaving now. As I end the letter, I’m tempted to confess the feelings that have been growing inside me, but it feels so wrong to tell him on paper and not in person. Instead, I finish the note by telling him how amazing I think he is, and that in another life, one where I was worthy of him, nothing could have dragged me away from him.
My eyes actually sting as I set the pen down and exhale slowly. Getting to my feet, I glance around the quiet little cottage, already missing what could have been, before grabbing my coat and bag. He’s better off without me. His whole family is.
Trudging through the snow, I get to the end of the property then open the rideshare app to order a car. The urge to run back to Deo is strong, but I have to stop being selfish. On my way back, I’ll figure out how to prove to Vin I didn’t betray him and hope somehow he believes me and lets me live.
TWENTY-SIX
amadeo
I’mstartled awake by an unfamiliar noise. When I roll over, Balt isn’t there.
“Balt?”
I scratch the back of my head, listening for any sound of him, but I’m met with almost eerie silence. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s almost morning. Balt is an early bird, but something urges me to get up and check on him.
After throwing on a pair of sweats, I wander out to the living room to find it empty. Same with the kitchen. My chest tightens immediately, and when I see the sheet of paper sitting on the kitchen table, my heart feels like it’s falling to the floor.
I hurry over and grab it, my eyes running over the words.
Amadeo,
These last few weeks together have been more amazing than words can express. I almost can’t believe how well suited we ended up being. Your family is wonderful, but you, Deo, have been a wonderful surprise. So please understand when I tell you that leaving is for your benefit far more than mine. There’s something about myself I kept from you, again for your safety, but mostly because I didn’t want to lose your respect.
Unfortunately, I can no longer hide out in your world, no matter how much I want to. I’ve developed real feelings for you, but my old life is bearing down on me and leaving is the best way I can protect you.
I’m sorry. So sorry. I’m sure neither of us expected things to go the way they have between us, and maybe I’m a fool and you feel nothing more for me than you would a passing fling, but in my heart I don’t believe that’s true. If I’m being honest, this sucks, and if you’re hurt by my revelations and departure, just know I thought that hurt was better than what could happen if I stayed.
My mind races as I read, tempted to stop there, but compelled to finish.
