Page 27 of Enchantment of Silver and Sea
Nya blinked, and the strange look she had been giving Kieran was replaced with a smile. “Don’t put yourself out. We’re fine.”
“I’m not putting myself out.” I scrambled off the bed and over to my row of cabinets. I came to the immediate realization that the few edible things I had were not actually all that edible. Nya and Kieran may have been used to roughing it Outside, but the thought of serving them something stale was horrifying. Like a comment on their status as Strangers, declaring that they didn’t deserve anything better.
The thought made my face burn.
I continued as I searched, “You’re also welcome to anything else here. You can take a cool shower if you want. Or take a nap on the bed.” Clearly, Kieran hadn’t been waiting on an invitation for that one. “Anything you want.”
Nya leaned forward, and I could hear the rustling sound that I’d come to recognize as her digging through her backpack. I wondered what scribbly mess of a “map” she had for me this time and almost laughed out loud. As predicted, she pulled a long, folded piece of paper out of the main pocket. “Before we do anything else, we need to do what we came here for. Which is to get your input on another mission.”
I paused with a loaf of bread—more accurately, a brick of bread—in my hand. Suddenly, I couldn’t move. Swallow. Breathe. And for once, it had nothing to do with panic.
It was a moment of clarity, the likes of which I hadn’t had in a long time. Maybe ever. And it felt shockingly sudden, as if my own brain had been hiding something crucial from me. But also perfectly expected. As if I was always destined to make this decision, right now, right here, with two Strangers in my room and moldy bread in my hand.
“I’m not going to be giving you input on anything like that tonight,” I said as an eerie sense of calm settled over me.
There was a stirring from the bed. I knew Kieran was sitting up now at full attention.
Nya was still holding the map in midair. “What are you saying?”
I set down the bread. Then I walked out into the bedroom, facing them fully.
Nya’s expression was wary.
Kieran’s eyes were twinkling, as if he found this turn of events entertaining.
“I’m saying,” I started, gathering some courage before I continued. “That I’m not giving you advice or input or whatever you want to call it. At least not here, not tonight. Because whatever you’re facing this time, I’m going with you. Outside.”
I sat on the concrete floor of my balcony, knees tucked under my chin, arms wrapped around my legs. Obviously, this was my go-to spot to clear my head after nightmares. But the nightmares always seemed to come in the morning, right before waking,when the first rays of sun were lightening the sky. There was something novel about being out here at night, when the city below was just a mass of shadowy shapes.
Beside me was my usual book bag. But instead of my notebook and other items that I needed for work, it contained a toothbrush and several changes of clothes.
Three nights ago, I had announced that I was sneaking out of the city with Nya and Kieran. And three nights ago, Nya had been adamant that there was absolutely, positively, no way that I was goinganywherewith them. Much less to face this latest challenge, which she insisted would be the riskiest of all—taking down a beast that they referred to as “Leviathan,” after the biblical creature that was both sea serpent and demon. The name didn’t sound familiar, but their description of it did. I found it in Cato’s index under “sea monster.”
“You’ll be a liability,” Nya had spat as she paced circles around my room. “This wasn’t part of the plan.”
Kieran had made a noise of disagreement in his throat. “Wasn’t it, though? Eventually?”
They had exchanged a look yet again. And I couldn’t resist saying, “Stop communicating telepathically or whatever the hell it is you two do when you look at each other like that. I want to be a part of this, so let me. Please.”
“I wish we could communicate telepathically,” Nya had grumbled. “There’s a fucking lot I’d have to say.”
In the tense silence that followed, I explained that I would need time to research the Leviathan further. This, I pointed out, gave them plenty of time to prepare for me to join them.
Nya’s response was to plant her feet and declare that I was not coming with them. End of story. And she refused to hear anything else about it.
It was Kieran who finally asked what my reasons were.
It was difficult to look the two of them in the eye. But I had squared my shoulders and forced myself to hold each of their gazes in turn as I said, “I want to go Outside. I want to see what the world is like out beyond the walls. How you live. The magical creatures and beings that I’ve only read about. But most of all”—here I pressed on, despite a lump forming in my throat—“I can’t sit here for a third time, watching the days go by, knowing you’re risking your lives out there. And that I may never see either of you again. So you can follow through on your threat to hurt me or kill me or whatever it is you have to do. But I won’t help you with this unless you take me with you.”
At my words, Kieran’s eyes had shifted in that way that only his could, darkening from that chrome silver to the deep blue-gray of the sky just after a storm. “We risk our lives every day,” he had said, his voice surprisingly gentle. “The same creatures that we’ve been seeking out could randomly appear in our camp one night and slaughter us all in our sleep. There’s a real possibility you could die out there.”
The next words that came out of my mouth should have surprised me more than they did. But the same way it becomes easier to lie the more you do it, it becomes easier to admit the truth the more you do it. Or at least, that’s how it felt to someone who had spent the last decade being dishonest.
“Magical beings and beasts aren’t the only things that can kill you,” I said. “People kill, too. And besides, having your life taken in that manner isn’t the only thing to fear.” My voice had become so soft, it was barely above a whisper. “Having to continue living when you’ve lost everything that you loved, everything that gave you purpose, everything that made you look forward to the future…that’s its own version of death.”
I’m not sure how much time passed before Kieran spoke again. “And if we decide not to do either one—take you or hurt you—but just leave and never come back here again?”
“You won’t?” It was meant to be a statement. But the question was there in my voice.
