Page 51 of Enchantment of Silver and Sea
“Maila,” he asked. He sounded like he was choosing his words carefully. “Have you ever been…intimate with someone?”
The knot clenched.
“That’s kind of a personal question.”
“So ‘no,’ then,” he said decidedly.
I opened my mouth, but he cut in, “Have you ever kissed someone?”
“I’ve had sex before, you asshole!” I spat at him, sounding much more defensive than I had intended.
Kieran’s eyes were truly sparkling now, and it wasn’t just from the reflected light from the moon and stars. He was enjoying watching me squirm, as usual.
“What does it matter to you?” I demanded. The knot had expanded until it reached my chest, making it hard to breathe. “Maybe I don’t have a harem like you do”—I remembered his reaction when Nya had said this and hoped it had the same effect now—“but some people only want to be intimate with someone when it means something. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”
It took an immense amount of willpower to look back up at the sky and not watch for his reaction.
“Interesting,” he said. I could still feel his stare fixed on my profile. “And what makes it ‘mean something?’”
I couldn’t help it. My eyes snapped back to his.
His smile was gone, but there was still amusement dancing in his eyes.
“What?” I asked, dumbfounded.
He stretched out his legs and shifted closer to me, turning away fully from the view of the ocean. “Does it ‘mean something’ only if you care deeply about the person? Or is it enough just to enjoy yourself? Does it have to be someone who you’re havingromantic encounters with on a regular basis? Someone who’s chosen to take no other romantic partners?”
“I don’t know.”
I really didn’t, I realized with dismay. I couldn’t say what my past experiences meant to me now that they were over, and those men were gone from my life.
“I think you do.”
My temper flared at the challenge. “Look, Kieran. Last night, I went outside the walls of Cyllene for the first time. I slept outside the walls. Today, I saw the most terrifying creature I have ever seen, almost drowned, and came face-to-face with a being the likes of which I wasn’t even sure existed. Every single second I’m out here, I’m risking my life in more ways than one. I could get back to Cyllene tomorrow night and have Enforcers waiting at my door, ready to put a bullet in my head for sneaking out of the city and helping the people who, in their minds, are a bunch of wild, lawless, deviant criminals.”
Wow. The more I spelled it out, I really was fucked.
“There are so many things weighing on me, so many things I’m trying to think about, to understand, to get a handle on…I’m sorry if I don’t feel like explaining my romantic preferences right now.”
I forced myself to hold his silver gaze, refusing to look away this time.
Now both the smile and all traces of amusement were gone, replaced by something I didn’t recognize. He sighed. “I know you’ve got more important things to worry about, Maila. Believe me, I know. It’s just…you said there’s a lot you’re trying tounderstand.” He paused for a moment, throat bobbing. “I guess I’m just trying to understandyou.”
When I didn’t respond right away, he continued, “I know Nya has you convinced that I’ve fucked around a lot with women who don’t mean anything to me. And I guess if your definition of ‘meaning something’ involves wanting a committed relationship or wanting to get married, then that’s true. But all the women I’ve been with knew that and accepted it.”
When I still didn’t respond, he exhaled in an exasperated way through his nose.
What the hell did he have to be exasperated about?
I almost asked him outright. But I said instead, “I don’t think Xiomara ‘accepted that.’ She seemed toreallyenjoy telling me about your time together.”
“And that bothered you?”
“What bothers me is why she felt the need to tell me at all. Why she keeps glaring at me and trying to make me feel like I’m an intruder.” Which in a sense, I was. I wasn’t one of them. But that was beside the point.
Kieran flexed his jaw. “You really don’t know why?”
The knot was no longer a knot. It was acid, and it was spreading through me. It boiled up in me, along with an avalanche of words that some sensible part of my brain was trying to keep at bay.
